Have you had your Bamboo today?

A new found freedom

2010-11-12T10:23:00.005-06:00

I sit here today and ponder the upcoming weekend, which will include participating in a baby shower for my husbands side of the family. I suddenly realize just how much has changed within myself. I no long desire holding onto the difficult times in my past. I have a new freedom and inner peace within my life. I find I simply want to spread my wings to fly.

Gastric bypass has given me a gift like I can't even explain. To those of you non-weight loss surgery (WLS) readers, I'm not sure you can even understand. Imagine your day being filled with pain. Physical, spiritual, and emotional pain. I would get out of bed, muddle through my work day, and sit on the couch until time for bed. Any additional activity or movement was painful....physically painful. At 400+ pounds, my joints ached almost constantly. The lack of activity made my body numb and I hated life. I would do everything in my power to avoid any activities that involved going places and/or being with people. I avoided my family and my friends. Life.....sucked. Did that paint a clear enough picture?

Today, I reflect back and begin to cry. What a miserable and sad existence I had. I took for granted everything I had going for me as I could only focus on all the negatives. The childhood molestation and rape I had suffered found a way into my daily thoughts. I felt a victim and was angry for the hand life had dealt me. That is the sick thought process that kept me in a life of obesity. I could not for one single moment think or believe, "I CAN".

I am eager for this weekend, eager to see family I rarely see, eager to share my new found freedom with the world. I find I have an inner strength I never knew was possible. I want the world to see the real me shine through. To see just exactly what my husband has always seen...a beautiful, intelligent, sexy, funny, and outgoing woman. I lost myself in the last decade...lost focus of what life is about. Or, maybe I've just recently learned what life is about. I'm learning new things every day. Learning to let go of the things that don't matter and grab hold of the things that do. Past grudges and feelings do nothing but pull me down. I am moving on and my new found freedom guides the way. I CAN be anything and EVERYTHING I want to be. Not only that...I know know I WILL reach my goals!

To blog or not to blog....that is the question.

2010-11-09T17:37:00.015-06:00

Hello blogger land! It's been quite some time since this young lady has posted. I figured it was about time to either update or delete this lovely little blog. Obviously, you can tell my decision. So, hows about an update? So much has happened since I was last here. Looking back, my last update was about preparation for my upcoming weight loss surgery. My mind was all over the place at that point in time, but I clearly made it through.

I underwent Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass on June 28, 2010. I had zero complications from surgery and all in all had a pretty fast recovery. I went back to work two weeks after surgery and things have been non-stop ever since. The big question that might be on your mind....have I lost any weight? Of course I have! The real question is, how much have I lost? I started this journey at a whopping 424 lbs. So embarrassing to put that out in cyberspace, but it is what it is. Today, a mere 19 weeks after surgery, I am a much smaller yet still heavy 298 lbs. For those of you who hate math as much as I do, I'll save you the struggle. 424-298 is a total of 126 lbs. gone forever!

My life is quite different these days. In fact, I can comfortably sit here and say that I am not the same person I was the last time I blogged. I am healthier, happier, and know what I want from my life. This gift was the exact push start I needed to put me onto a path of bigger and better things. What has changed??? Well a better question would be, what hasn't changed. I spend between 3 and 5 days per week at the gym and do lots of other exercise on off days. I went from a total couch potato to someone who can barely sit still. I do water aerobics, I swim, I bike, I ride the elliptical, I walk...so many things that were near impossible at my starting size. My new life has not only made me a better person, but it has rubbed off on those I care about the most. My husband has lost weight and is more active. My sisters-in-law are both on the, "healthy lifestyle" bandwagon. Even my lovely mother has started an exercise program. It seems like this journey has not only inspired me, but everyone around me as well. It truely has been a blessing.

I have gone from a women's size 32 clothes to a 24, which is a whopping 5 sizes for those of you who don't know. I fit into seats I couldn't even dream of before. I was able to go to a baseball game for the first time in 4 years over the summer. Nothing holds me back! I eat healthy, I exercise, I feel amazing. And I know I will NEVER return to that hell of being over 400 lbs.

My journey has been well documented and I found a community of support like I never imagined I could. For anyone interested in what this journey has been like, please visit my channel on YouTube. All you have to do is search "Bamboo2you" and you will find links to my videos. The transformation from the start of my journey until present time is just remarkable. I don't even recognize myself. Actually, I don't recognize myself when I look back at my beginning pictures and videos as well as when I look in the mirror present time. I keep taking lots of photos and doing side by side comparisons so that I can really see the changes in my face and body. There are days where the lack of recognition is a mental trip, but most days I discover new things to love about myself.

I now have a neck, a jaw, collar bones, etc. I find something new to marvel at almost weekly. My feet have bones and tendons I didn't know existed...same with my wrists and hands. My beautiful wedding band set no longer fits my ring or middle fingers. I recently went to see how my ring size had changed to be shocked to discover I've gone from a size 10 1/4 to a 7 1/4! That is a FULL three sizes. Crazy!

So yes, life is different, but in all the right ways. I always knew that weight held me back, I just lost track of exaclty how much it held me back. I'm a better woman, wife, friend, daughter, sister, etc. The best part is that I know once I reach my final goal I am forever freed from this disease. I will be aware of what I eat and how I move for the rest of my life. The future is bright and I am happy.

Has it all be rosy and perfect? No, of course not. Life is not perfect so I must share the bad with the good. There are challenges I face on a daily basis. I now require a plethora of vitamins to keep me healthy. The regimen can be quite overwhelming some days, but I push through because it is what I must do. I require 64 oz of water every day, but unlike the average person, I can no longer gulp fluids. I must sip sip sip all day long as my stomach is now only the size of an egg and can't handle a large rush of water. Sugars are a huge no-no in life....forever. I can manage a little bit of them, but I must use extreme caution or I get what is called, 'Dumping Syndrome'. This is a very unpleasant side effect of gastric bypass, but an important one for learning. It causes nausea, dizziness, extreme fatigue, racing heart, diarrhea, vomitting. It is uncomfortable and I do all I can to avoid it. It only took one time of dumping for me to learn to avoid it at all costs. Another ugly thing that can and does happen from time to time, I call "stuck". If I don't chew food well enough or eat to big of a bite, the food has a hard time passing into my tiny stomach. It causes a "stuck" feeling in my chest, which is basically like somone stabbing my breast bone and every 15 seconds twisting the knife. The feeling passes when the food moves through, but if the food can't get through it forces me to vomit.

Now, luckily for me, these are RARE occurences. In fact, I've only dumped one time and only thrown up once from being stuck. It has taught me to be very careful when I eat and be aware of each bite that goes into my mouth. I avoid sugars, but will treat myself within reason. I know I can safely consume about 10 grams of sugar at one time so I am careful to stay way below that. Most times I only allow myself 5 grams. It is complicated and complex, but I don't regret it for a single second.

I think this is enough of an update for now. Hope all of you are doing well and I can't wait to get back into reading your blogs.

So what's been going on???

2010-06-21T12:57:00.003-05:00

I figured it was about time to update my blog. Alot has happened since my last update, but I've gotten so into doing video blogging I sorta forget about my normal blog. Anyway, those of you who want to follow my vlogs, look me up on you tube. I am Bamboo2you.

So, the update. Today is the fourth day of my pre-operative clear liquid diet. Things are going pretty well, but this has been one of the most difficult things to get through. Day number 1 was horrible. I felt like I was starving and honestly it seemed like I was having withdrawal symptoms from lack of food. I was clammy and my heart was racing. It was weird, but I survived. Day number two was equally as hard; however, I tried to stay busy and I think that helped. Yesterday was a much better day and so far today has been even better. I think it's safe to say my body is getting used to the liquids.

I am able to eat as much as I want of a very limited group of foods. I can have broth, decaff tea, sugar free jello, sugar free Popsicles, water, diluted G2 Gatorade, crystal light, etc. Basically, I've been living off of chicken broth, Popsicles, and jello. I drink a good bit of G2 and tea, but also a good bit of water. Nothing makes me feel full, but at least the hot broth does sort of feel like a meal.

Surgery is in one week. Monday the 28th of June will be a life changing day for me. I hope I am ready for the challenges that lie ahead. I think for the most part, I feel pretty secure about this decision, but the liquid diet has made my brain try to play tricks on me and tell me I'd rather not do it so I can go eat a cheeseburger haha.

No, in all honesty, I'm as prepared as I possibly could be. I've been to a nutrition class and have a whole book of do's and dont's for what to eat. I have to follow a very strict diet for the first two months after surgery and then it will be up to me to make the change to a healthy lifestyle. I had pre-op testing done last week, which went pretty well. It gave me a chance to see the hospital and meet some of the surgical staff, which was a plus. All my testing came back just fine and now here I am on the countdown to surgery.

It's amazing to me that it was only 6 short months ago that I found out I was going to be able to make this happen. I am so thankful to my father for helping me on this journey, he truly is saving my life. I 100% feel like I will be a different person in the end of this. I know I can do well by this and make the changes to improve myself. I am a bit worried how those around me will take all the changes, but I can't really focus on that. I have got to do this for me and get better for me. If they can't handle it, in the end I feel like it will be them losing out on something rather than myself.

I have to say my vlog has been a huge plus to this point. I have gotten more followers than I ever thought I would and it gives me confidence to know there is great support out there. It's amazing to hear other people are motivated and inspired by my videos and thus far that is giving me a huge reason to go head forward into this video project. I hope it continues because I'm having a good time with it.

Anyway, that's the main update. I am looking forward to getting this week over with and starting my new life. I believe June 28, 2010 will be my new birthday and give good reason to celebrate in the future. I hope I am right.

Back to the grind

2010-06-07T15:21:00.003-05:00

Well Monday came around again. I'm sorta over Monday's and wish they would just never come around. :) If only life worked that way. Anyway, I had a good weekend for the most part. My husband did a dumb thing and I was pretty shook up over it, but I dealt with it and am moving on.

I was at my parents over the weekend. It was wonderful and I was a single woman for a day and a half. No husband and no dog. I had a chance to just be left alone and it was terrific. Played mini golf with the family and even got to spend a few hours in my aunt and uncles pool. The down side to the pool time is that I am a bright red lobster now. I was only out for 3 hours and am crispy!! Typically I wear sun screen, but for whatever reason I didn't and am now really paying for it.

In other news, I have started a vlog (video blog) on YouTube. I was somewhat hesitant and nervous to do this as I'm not sure how people who know me will take it or what they will have to say about it. Nevertheless I decided it was something I wanted to do. Of course it really all started when I got a new computer. I just bought a new laptop, which happened to come with a built in web cam. Now, I did not buy my computer specifically for the web cam and actually didn't even think about doing a vlog until I realized it had one.

I have watched TONS of videos on YouTube about gastric bypass. Many people put up videos showing the progression after surgery and I decided it would be a neat way for me to keep track of my feelings as well as a way to be able to easily look back at how I change physically after surgery. So I did it. To date I have three videos on my channel and hope to add them at least weekly if not more frequently. Anyway, that is the latest and greatest.

Happy Monday everyone!

So what's been going on?

2010-06-03T10:54:00.005-05:00

I just thought I would update about all the changes that have happened over the last few months. I had grown very bored with my blog and decided to put it to rest for awhile, but now I'm feeling more inspired and interesting in talking. Life has been busy and crazy and it seems like everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.

I was never so glad to see winter go away as I was this year. As the temps warmed up, my mood seemed to soar. I decided to get my flowers planted early this year so I didn't get all the crappy colors to choose from. Last year my pots were filled with red and white. Now, don't get me wrong, those are pretty colors...but anyone who knows me could easily see PINK is what I really wanted.

It wasn't long after planting that I realized I had the desire to play in the dirt even more. Jared and I spent some time cleaning up our back yard. We had a huge pile of left over rock from our landscape project from last summer. We decided to make a rock path off our patio to our shed. Because of our big trees, we have mostly mud for a yard. The path has not only added to the nice look of the back yard, but has drastically cut down on the mud we once suffered. Even after making that huge path we had rocks left over. So we cleaned our our lilac bed and re-rocked it as well. Now the back yard looks somewhat "nice", which is a far cry from where it started when we bought the house.

Even after all this, I still wanted to do more. So...I planted my very first garden! I need to take some pictures to put up because I am just super proud of it. We have two tomato plants, one is celebrity and one is roma. Those plants just seemed to take off. We even have several romas well on the way to being on our dinner table. In addition to the tomatoes, Jared and I planted radishes and carrots. We aren't overly confident that either of them will work out. We do have a bunch of radishes growing, but I fear we planted them to close together . Time will tell how they end up.

Like I said earlier, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. My life wouldnt be my life without some drama. I've had two fairly dramatic things happen in the last two months. First, our basement floor drain started backing up and it was getting worse and worse. To the point a short shower would bring poo water onto the basement floor. Washing dishes or doing laundry caused the same trouble. We assumed we had tree roots in our sewer line and paid a popular company to come out and clean it out. He pulled out roots, but the back up did not clear. Eventually, it was determined the line was broken and would need to be dug out to repair. This popular company dicked us around for awhile and eventually told us the break was under the street. Naturally, we assumed it would be up to the city to fix this damage, but I am sad to report that according to the city ordinances...it was our problem! We asked for an esitmate of cost and waitied 3 weeks for them to get it to us. Finally the numbers came in...9,000 dollars! Jared and I had no clue what to do. We started to scrable and found a way to pay the bill only to find out that this company was only "guessing" at the bid. We were told they didn't think we would "seriously" be able to pay to repair it. The manager decided he wanted to redo the bid and and the price went even higher. Needless to say we dumped them and found someone else. 8500 bucks later, our sewer is now repaired and useable once again.

It was a big old slap in the face and a reminder that being a home owner is not ALWAYS all its cracked up to be. We also learned to NEVER call that popular company for service issues. I was very put off by the service from the start and things only got increasingly bad as the time passed.

Drama number two was just 3 weeks ago. While working, my big old fat knee knocked over my computer tower. It sits on a shelf under my desk. The damn thing came crashing down and in the blink of an eye, it died. I tried to recover it, but have been unable to fix it. A friend of a friend is supposed to be coming to have a look at it, but he keeps forgetting he has an appointment to meet me. I've been borrowing a computer from my mother, but know she wants it back ASAP. At this point I'm not sure when the guy will ever get here to look at my baby. After some thought and growing tired of waiting, I decided to just buy a new system. I would still like to restore my old one for a back up, but it was a good time to update to some faster and better features. I ended up with an HP laptop, which I connect to a big HD flatscreen monitor. So yeah, one more thing I have spent money one.

Anyway, those are alot of my updates. Crazy things always seem to follow me. Always have and always will. I'm spending my days trying to catch up on all the blogs I love to read. So...what's been going on out there in blogger land??

June has arrived....now I'm SCARED

2010-06-01T14:48:00.005-05:00

So, most of my recent blogs have been related to my upcoming surgery. I am officially having roux-en-y gastric bypass on June 28th. I have preop testing on the 16th, which at this point is just over 2 weeks away. EEP! I am anxious for the 16th day to get here because it will be a day filled with alot of education for me. Jared and I will participate in a 2 hour nutrition class that day and will have the final meeting with the surgeon to discuss any final questions or details. Two days later, on the 18th, I'll begin a clear liquid diet. It will include all no calorie and low calorie clear liquids. I can drink/eat as much of them as I like, but it will only include broths, sugar free jello, sugar free popsicles, water, low calorie Gatorade diluted with water, etc. It will be all I can eat for the 10 days prior to surgery, which is undoubtedly going to suck some major sweaty balls. I've read and heard the first three days are pure hell and then your body becomes numb to the the lack of real food. I sure hope that is the case. I will make it through and I think my real motivation is knowing the surgery will not happen if I don't follow this diet strictly. I've been waiting for this time to come for what seems like forever; however, now that it is so close I realize just how scared I am.

It's time for me to focus and get ready for the ride. I still need to decide how I want to document this journey. It may take me awhile before I can really get settled into one method so for now the blog is going to be my way of keeping track. I am preparing myself to take some "preop" photo's, but I haven't decided how I want to use them or if I will post those on the blog just yet. I have plenty of recent pictures of me on here so anyone who reads this should have a good idea of what I currently look like. I hope to get some photo's up from the recent wedding as well.

I do plan on trying to do a weekly photo and a weekly blog note to talk about my progress. It may be more frequently than that at first or it could be less frequent, time will tell. I'm just going to do it as I see fit when the time rolls around. For now, I'll keep updating as the month moves on to keep track of my feelings and thoughts.

Goose got MARRIED!!

2010-06-01T10:19:00.006-05:00

This weekend was amazing and fun and fabulous and all that. My bestest friend in the world, Goose, tied the knot on Sunday. She has been such a beautiful part of my life for the past 14 years so it was a real blessing to stand by her side while she gave her vows. The best part of the whole day was when it really sank in that she is now "officially" a family member. Goose married my first cousin so now she will forever be a part of my life, which is AMAZING!

The wedding was at a very lovely state park. Though the day was warm, it was sunny and beautiful, which make for a lovely setting for photos. There was a big lodge with a huge fireplace as a back drop to the ceremony. The bride made her way down this beautiful wooden staircase with her terrific father by her side. It was just so pretty. Everything went perfectly and she glowed like I have never seen before. I was so proud to be there with both of them.

We ate, drank, and danced the night away. I had the wonderful opportunity to meet her friends and family I have heard so much about over the past years. Now the bride and groom are off on what sounds like the most terrific honeymoon ever. I can't wait to hear all about how the time went for them.

Surgical Consultation....CHECK CHECK CHECK!

2010-04-19T13:17:00.005-05:00

Friday the 16th of April was my first meeting with my surgeon. Jared went with me to meet him and we both left feeling calm and confident in this decision. The surgeon was very gentile in his exam and friendly with the discussion of surgery. Jared and I asked questions and everything was very smooth and easy. Today, my phone rings and in the blink of an eye it is official. I will be having Roux-en-Y gastric bypass on June 28th, 2010. A new day for me, one that I hope will become my new birthday. Life is going to change for me on that day, no other way to look at it really. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I want this to be a smooth and easy process; however, I know it will take work and time to get the proper result. I have 282 lbs of excess body weight that I would LOVE to see hit the road; though, I am realistic and know I'll never shed all of those extra pounds. Each day will likely bring something new, and will be a hurdle to overcome. I am READY. A new day is just around the corner and I feel so blessed to get the tool to make my life what I always wanted it to be.

A million thank you cards would never be enough to thank my father for the wonderful gift he is giving me. I hope I make him proud during this journey and when it's all said and done, I hope he feels like it was worth everything he gave. Bring on June!!

Primary Care MD Approval....CHECK

2010-04-09T10:28:00.003-05:00

I have now officially begun the real process for the big S day. I had my primary care physician evaluation yesterday and it went terrific. Not only is he giving me his approval that I am healthy enough to undergo this surgery, he is giving clearance that I am psychologically prepared for it as well. I had a nice long chat with Dr. L. about the risks and benefits to the surgery and he admitted to me if he had the cash laying around, he would be there next to me in line for the surgery. I don't quite know why, but that is reassuring to me.

In the middle of our discussion, he asked what surgeon and hospital I have chosen for the procedure. When I told him my choice, a smirk came to his face and he noted he was happy to hear it as he feels they are, "the best". I am thankful to hear him say that. I have done my homework and I feel prepared for this. I know it will not be an easy journey, but it is one I must endure. I know I could die, but if I don't go through this, it is certain I will die anyway. Not only that, but I will have to suffer getting sicker and sicker until I do. I want to be free of this and know I am ready to do whatever must be done to get there.

The next big step for me is not far off. One week from today I will have the first meeting with my surgeon. As long as Dr. L sends his approval letter before my appointment, I will likely be able to schedule a date! If not, as soon as the surgeon gets his approvals, I will be ready to schedule. I am so freaking excited...like ready to jump out of my body excited. Each day brings me closer to that final goal.

Tick tock tick tock...bring on the next leg of the race!

Long time....

2010-03-29T07:03:00.006-05:00

As it has been awhile since my last post I decided to update. Things are going well, but I am totally exhausted today. Yesterday I threw a bridal shower for my best friend...Goose. Go check her out!

It was complete with lavender colors everywhere in honor of her wedding. Each table was draped in lavender with candles and candies and funky little zigzagged shreds of darker purple paper. It was lovely and I think it suited her nicely. I am very excited about the upcoming wedding because as a fantastic turn of events, she fell in love with my first cousin. Now not only do I get to keep my friend forever, I get to keep her in my family forever too. How strange it is that she will soon be taking the last name I left behind in October.

Anyway, the shower was a huge success. I worked very hard to give her a beautiful and fun day. The only thing I forgot was...MY CAMERA!!! I was pretty mad at myself, but considering that was the only thing I forgot for the day I figure it is okay. There were plenty of other people with camera's so she should be able to get pictures to enjoy. So to Goose....sorry I forgot that one!

As I have known Goose for some 14 years now, I know her "likes" pretty well, which came in very handy for throwing her shower. As I know she isn't much of a "cake" kind of girl, I decided to make homemade pies in celebration of her day. With it I made her favorite treat, Oreo dirt cake! I must admit, I had never made nor tasted a dirt cake and now understand why she likes it so much. Instead of the traditional "flower pot" arrangement I put it in a trifle bowl so all the pretty layers would show.

We played games and enjoyed our sinful treats and had a wonderful time. I took the time to hand make earrings for each of the women who came to the party, which provided a huge hit. It was thrilling to do something so nice for my friend and I could tell...she had fun!

Now it's back to the daily grind. Only one good thing about this day. I am getting HD hooked up to my new TV. Tonight I plan to sit and stare in awe at the big screen sitting in my living room. I want to prop my feet up and enjoy some "veg-out" time. Happy Monday everyone!

Rant and Rave Wednesday

2010-03-17T12:13:00.004-05:00

Check out Little Ms. B to see what she is ranting about on this beautiful Wednesday afternoon.

Rave- I am finally getting started on the path of surgery. I have my first appointment set for mid April. I am so excited I find it hard to think about anything else.

Rave- I've continued my water aerobics and walking routine and continue to feel better and better.

Rant- My right knee is still giving me trouble since falling back in December. I really hope it's just a bad strain.

Rant- I have recently found an odd spot/growth on my neck. I can't tell what it is but as I've watched it over the last two weeks it is continuing to get bigger. I called to set up an appointment with my doctor to have it looked at. Really gonna be pissed if its something bad!

Rave- I am throwing a bridal shower for Goose in a week and a half. I have almost everything ready for the day and hope she really enjoys herself.

Rave- Jared is getting more and more hours at work, which means we are finally going to get our finances back on track. What a long winter it turned out to be.

That's it for me today. What's got you rantin and ravin?

Phase 2 begins

2010-03-15T16:33:00.006-05:00

Over the weekend I went to my third and final weight loss surgery seminar. Another good one where I learned even more useful information. The seminar gave me some insight on some questions I needed to ask of the other program I am interested in. In addition, my father joined me to get more information about the seminar, which was outstanding. He became a part of this process and learned all the reasons why it is important for me to move forward with this plan. I don't think he had a good clue about the process or about why this is so important for people like me, but now he does. Did you know that only 5% of morbidly obese people can lose weight and maintain it 5 years or longer with diet and exercise alone? Sad to say, but the numbers are just not on our side when it comes to "the old fashioned way". A fact that MOST lay people don't know/believe/understand.

Today I decided to call the local program and ask the questions that had come up from the latest seminar. I got the answers I was needing and have now decided which program to pursue. There are two that are very good; however, one is considerably closer to where I live and significantly less expensive. For both of those reasons, I have decided to be evaluated by the local program. I set up my first pre-operative consultation with the surgeon. It will be mid April and I am so thrilled. I am ready to crawl out of my skin with joy. I know this will not be the "easy" road as so many people believe it to be. It will take change and dedication on my part to live my life better. I am ready and so excited to be given this opportunity for a redo start in a new life and a new situation. I am confident I can and will be successful with this and that in a short amount of time my life will be very different than how it is in this moment today.

Phase two has officially begun.

What a PACK RAT!

2010-03-08T13:06:00.004-06:00

This weekend was quite lovely. I spent Saturday with my wonderful husband. We were out and about shopping and eating and enjoying our local custard stand that has re-opened for the season. We took a nice long walk with the dog and the whole day was just special and peaceful and just what I hoped it would be.

Sunday, I got a wild hair and decided to do some spring cleaning. Jared and I have been talking about what we "needed" to do with cleaning out of closets for some time now, but have just been to lazy to actually get to it. Well I got to it! As I'm cleaning out two of our closets I come across old junk that got thrown in when we moved over a year ago. Naturally, I see this is stuff we haven't used nor looked at in the last year so I decide it is time to throw it away. Meanwhile, Jared is busy digging out what I throw in the trash. He tells me, "it's perfectly good stuff". Riiiiight...it is, but we haven't used it since we moved and that tells me it's time for it to go! At first he tries to get me by saying, "I'll make a space for it in the basement". Then, I happily remind him of his idea to clean out the basement as part of our spring cleaning job. Why move it down there to have to turn around and go through it again.

Score one for TEAM WIFE! He had no come back and the items that I sent to the trash got to stay in the trash. Saaaaweet! I know if he had his way, our house would look like his parents. Small pathways to get through rooms full of shit...erm JUNK. So glad I am quick on my feet and didn't fall for his plan!

I met a new friend

2010-03-04T13:52:00.005-06:00

This week at aerobics I started talking with one of the women in my class. She is very nice and the more we talked the more I realized how nice it was to have someone to talk to outside of my home life. I don't have very many friends and I think having someone to relate to at aerobics will help keep me in there and looking forward to going. She is 10 years older than me and has her plate full with three sons, so I'm not sure it's someone I would do an extraordinary amount with socially. You just never know though. I am not a person who likes to be super social all the time. I enjoy my own private and personal time, though seems I get too much of that these days and I'm really missing spending time with the close friends I do have.

Exercising has been good for me. I'm feeling better and better and am getting more motivated. Tonight is walking night so me and the pooch and hopefully the hubby are gonna go for a walk after work. Jared took Dudley for a walk last night while I was in class. I think the exercise is great for all of us and I really want to keep it up and make it a part of our lives. In the end I think it will be good for all of us to make this change and I hope Jared can see that. I know after surgery his lifestyle will need adjusted as mine does, so why not do it now?

Rant and Rave Wednesday

2010-03-03T11:22:00.007-06:00

If you are interested in knowing more about it. Go check out Little Ms. B for the scoop.

Rave: I totally forgot to blog about this, but figured this was a good time to mention it. March 1st, which was Monday, marked the 7th year I have spent with Jared. It's a weird thing after you get married. I use to focus so heavily on the March 1st date and now I nearly went the entire day without realizing it was a special day. We didn't celebrate the day like we once would have, but we still mentioned it to one another and looked back at our time together. Many ups and downs, but we love each other and that is what counts.

Rave: I've been back to aerobics and am already feeling more energy from working out. I decided to try to incorporate walking into my off days so last night Jared and I took the pooch out for a walk. It was a bit cold, but I know the better weather will be just around the corner so for now I'll suck it up and wear a coat!

Rant: I love winter but I am now officially OVER IT!

Rave: We are supposed to get into the 50's over the weekend, which will feel wonderful. I'm ready to get out and enjoy some fresh air.

Rant: Week number 5 in a row of mandatory overtime. I'm sick of it and burned out. I hope we can catch a break soon!

Wow, for once I have more raves than rants!

I FIXED IT!

2010-02-28T07:45:00.003-06:00

I am so super excited today. Yesterday Jared and I headed to our basement to do some re-arranging of stuff. Like I said in a previous post, we have new furniture for our living room coming at some point and we are converting our office/spare bedroom into only an office. This means our spare bed is going to the basement and we are going to use it in our lounge/hang out space as well as for a place to sleep when guests come, which is not as frequently as I would like. Anyway, we needed to rearrange stuff because we have alot....no wayyyyy to much stuff (shit/crap/junk) down there. In the process of starting to move things I came across the box where my old friend, Mr. Laptop was stored.

Now my laptop is not all that old. I've only had it for maybe 6 years. I'm sure by computer standard it's ancient; however, up until about a year and a half ago it worked like a dream. I decided to get a new computer to make doing my job easier as a desktop with a huge monitor was going to be a good investment for work. I love that big computer! Anyway, sometime shortly after getting the new computer my laptop became infected with one of those damn viruses. I didn't worry much about it at the time cause I had my new and faster baby. I tried to restore it but couldn't even get it to boot up so he went into a box and into storage.

Like I said, I came across said box yesterday and decided to give it another try. Pulled it out and it booted up, of course there were still issues and the virus was still wrecking havoc, but I decided to attempt a full re-format of it. IT WORKED! Now it is running smooth and stable like days of old. I can sit in my big comfy chair and watch TV and surf the web. It took most of the day yesterday to get the reformatting done and to re-load all the drivers and such. Kind of a PITA, but I suppose it was worth all of it. I am impressed with myself cause I'm not all that good with computer type stuff, some say I am better than I think, but I feel like I know near nothing I should.

The biggest part of this accomplishment is I did most of this half drunk or all drunk as Jared and I were drinking beers like they were bottles of water yesterday. Ohh water, I think I actually need some of that today haha! Anyway, maybe being drunk was just the cure for the computer. Regardless, my husband is going to be extremely happy with me when he wakes up today. He fell asleep long before I got this thing running again and up until now he has muchly missed having a second computer for himself. I work such long hours he rarely gets a chance to look at e-mails or surf the web.

Now he can do all of it and will have a good stable computer for school work. He is wanting to go back to school in the fall (I dunno if that will happen, but time will tell). Regardless, the little Mr. Laptop is ready to be used and abused again. Thank you to Mr. Re-format for saving my little baby!

Happy Friday!

2010-02-26T08:09:00.013-06:00

I am so thankful today is Friday. I really am ready to be away from this desk (my ball and chain). Getting use to working on Fridays has been a bit of a challenge, but I'm super glad to still have a job. I've been picking up my production recently so I hope the boss can learn to be happy with my work. If not, at least I know I've done everything in my power to impress him.

I had a wonderful evening last night. Goose came over to check out the bridesmaid dress for her wedding. The color is a beautiful shade of purple and I'm quite happy to report the dress fits wonderfully. Needs a few alterations in the bust (or I need to grow bigger boobies) and possibly the hem, though I'm going to try to avoid that if possible. What is the deal with these dresses being so big in the bust? Every dress I've ever had is HUGE in the bust and I've had them so big that seamstresses practically have to re-make the dress to fit me. Just because I am plus sized does not mean I have GIGANTIC breasts. The sad thing is, I'm not even that small chested either, DD's are not small ,yet when I get these dresses I feel like a part of the IBTC (Itty Bitty Titty Committee) Nonetheless, I am excited we are inching ever closer to her big day. I have been planning her bridal shower for awhile now and am now getting down to time for finishing the final preparations. I hope she enjoys her special day.

I'm going to try and get to the pool again tonight. My hip is feeling a bit better, though still sore when I walk. I think getting in the pool and moving would do me some good. There is some open swim time tonight so I might try and get the hubby to go just for something to do for awhile. I have a few other errands to run and need to clean my house so we shall see how the evening plays out. I'm excited to be getting off at 2 today instead of the normal 4. That should help with getting it all done.

I am excited because the hubby and I bought a pot rack to hang in our kitchen above the stove. New pots and pans were one of our wonderful wedding gifts and now we have a rack to match. Jared hung it up last night, and I love it. We aren't super sure about the way it is hanging right now. It's from chains in two spots on the ceiling, but that makes it tip back and forth when you grab pots off it. We might need to change it to a 4 hook set up to keep it from swinging so much. I don't want anything to come crashing down on me or the stove!

So all in all I'm pretty darn happy today. The sun is out and I'm ready to get this day done! What is making you happy on this lovely Friday?

Get back to it

2010-02-25T08:46:00.010-06:00

I decided it is past time to start preparing my body for this surgery. I know that every bit of exercise and work I do now, will get me a better result with surgery. The better shape my heart and lungs, the less the risk of complications during the procedure.

With that said, last night I went back to water aerobics. I decided it is time to take charge of this and not let anything get in the way of working out a few nights per week. It felt wonderful being back in the water. The pool was extremely warm and soothing to all my aches and pains. Over the last several days I had been experiencing increasing pain in my muscles and I'm not sure why. I sorta wondered if I was getting the flu but I have been feeling fine otherwise so it remains a mystery to me.

Anyway, I did my work out last night and had fun, but my left hip was causing me some intermittent pain. It had been slightly sore before I started; again, I'm not sure why. By the time we were finished and I tried to get out of the pool I could barely walk on land! I was gimping around like crazy. In addition to the hip problem I was having some right knee pain. Now, the knee pain I expected. Back in December I fell on some slick pavement and landed on my right knee. It has not been healthy since and everytime I sit down and stand up it is twingy with pain. I do worry I did something to it, but not enough to want to go through with x-rays and MRI's and all that. Like I said, it has been achy, but the aerobics exacerbated the symptoms. When I got out of the pool it took forever for me to get back to the locker room and took even longer to change clothes because of the pain. I got home and tried to rest it but it was a constant hurt. I took an anti-inflammatory and sleeping pill and crashed.

Today my knee is better, but my hip is still wicked sore. I think I must have strained a muscle. The medication seemed to help the symptoms through the night, but I can tell it is wearing off so I'm going to be taking more later today. Oh joy!

I'm gonna be glad to have some time to rest it before the next aerobics class next week. I do think I am going to swim laps on friday night though. I won't really have to use my hip to do that and I need to keep moving. I for sure feel more awake and energized today. I forgot how much better my body feels when I exercise regularly.

I have eye twitching seizures!

2010-02-18T10:32:00.009-06:00

These last few weeks have proved to be increasingly stressful. We are swamped at work and have had 3 weeks straight with mandatory overtime. As most of you know, I HATE the overtime work. I shouldn't complain because it is nice extra money, which we could use right now; however, I never feel like the extra money I make is worth all the added stress and late nights.

I'm not sure if it is secondary to the stress of extra work or if my vision needs checked, but the last five days I have had near non-stop twitching of my left eye. I feel like my eye is constantly having a seizure, which makes me think of this great video I watched on the page of Dr. Grumpy some time ago. As a "medical" person, I found this to be totally hilarious so I wish to pass it on and show you. Perhaps I should go to the ER with my "eye twitching seizures" and see if I can get Xanax, Vicodin, or Valium.

Watch and enjoy!

I love my husband.

2010-02-15T09:46:00.003-06:00

He gave me a wonderful treat to celebrate Valentine's day even though he sorta got it for us to, "share" as he puts it. It was one of those edible arrangements with chocolate covered strawberries and double dipped bananas. The banana hunks were dipped in milk chocolate and then again in white chocolate. YUMMY! Those arrangements beat the hell out of getting roses or other flowers or other candy for that matter.

So a big old thank you goes out to my wonderful hubby! You made the day special.

We had quite the busy weekend though. Saturday we ended up buying a bunch of furniture for our living room. After the wedding you all might recall that I mentioned we bought a new console recliner sofa. Well that console was part of a sectional sofa. Over the weekend we decided to buy the rest of the sectional for our living room and the best part is that we ended up getting a FREE LG plasma 50 inch TV with our purchase. Whooo hooo. We don't own an HD TV so this will be a nice upgrade for us. The store had a deal going where you got the TV with spending a certain amount in furniture. We weren't quite there with just the sectional, but by adding a TV stand to it we just barely made it so free TV is coming our way. Sad as it is I am more excited about the TV than the furniture. So yay for us!

Finally Friday

2010-02-12T12:40:00.009-06:00

I figured it was time to update about how the second seminar went. I was shocked to see such a difference from the first one I went to. This surgeon seems like an arrogant ass and I will not be re-visiting him in the future. He made it quite clear that he only deals with the "surgery" side of things and takes no interest in anything related to after care. I don't really care how "great" he is at surgery, if he won't be there to help me through the rest then I am not interested. Thanks but no thanks.

In a way this makes it easier for me. I was thinking if I liked him I might have a tough decision on where to go for this procedure. Now that I'm assured I don't want to use him, my choice is narrowed down. The other thing that I found shocking at this seminar was the lack of education in the people who were attending. It was quite clear the majority of people sitting there had done no research on this surgery and had no clue about how the human body works.

Now, I don't think you need a medical degree or anything like that, but I do think you need some basic knowledge on the anatomy of your body and understand how they are going to alter it. I heard some really astonishing questions but my top two favorites were as follows.

1) The surgeon gave a statistic indicating that in morbidly obese people who suffer with type 2 diabetes, 86% will be cured of their diabetes following weight loss surgery. (This by the way is simply amazing to me). After the doctor says this statement a guy in the audience asks, "so doc, what your telling me is this surgery will alter my genetic code! Like um, my mom and my dad have diabetes and I have diabetes, so if I have this surgery then I won't have it no mo".

WOW! I sat there and literally shook my head in disbelief. Seriously?? You think this will alter your DNA, which by the way does not determine if you have diabetes or not?? Wow, just wow!

#2) One of the types of weight loss surgery is called a sleeve gastrectomy, in which they remove a large portion of your stomach entirely. When the surgeon was discussing this surgical option a woman says to him, "oh so after this surgery you can't have no babies no mo".

Now, I am a nurse and I did have a long semester of OBGYN training while I was in school. It was not my favorite place to be and I was not overly good at it, but I am pretty sure I don't remember anything about babies being made in the STOMACH!!!

Needless to say, this was a very enlightening experience and I am thankful I am taking the time to explore all of these options. One more seminar to go and then time for decision making. I pretty well already know what I'm going to do, but I am taking my time and making sure.

On another note, happy Friday everyone! It's Mardi Gras time in St. Louis. The Grand Parade is this weekend and I'm thinking it would be wonderful to take the hubby down there for some beers and hurricanes. We haven't been in a few years, mainly because it is always freezing cold, but for some reason I want to go this year. I have a fond memory of my first Mardi Gras. It was almost 7 years ago and it was the weekend that Jared and I technically started our courtship. We went with a group of friends and saw the parade. We collected beads (no we did not show boobies) and had drinks. It was a blast! That night we continued to party and the rest as they say is history. I think it would be a fun thing for us to do and a good reminder of where we started all those years ago. Plus, since Valentines day is Sunday it could be a nice "couple" sort of thing for us to do. We shall see. I guess it depends on if I can convince the husband to get up early enough to make our way down to the busy streets of Soulard.

Anyway, have a wonderful weekend!

Rant and Rave Wednesday

2010-02-10T13:13:00.006-06:00

I decided to participate in R&R this week. If you don't know about rant and rave time go check out Little Ms. B and see what she has going on.

Rant: I had another week of overtime to deal with. YUCK!

Rave: I managed to get all 6 hour done in two days, which gives me the rest of the week to enjoy nice short 8 hour work days.

Rave: Tonight is my second seminar about weight loss surgery. I am very excited to see if there is anything new to learn. After all the thinking and reading, my heart and mind tell me let's get to it already.

Rave: I got new fingernail polish last week have now officially tried both. I got two colors, one is a teal blue and the other a dark purple. I am in LOVE with this deep purple color. It's fantastic on fingers and toes.

Rant: I hate how polish never stays put on my fingers. I take great care in putting on a base coat, two coats of color, and two coats of clear being mindful to let them dry all the way in between each coat. It takes most of the day to accomplish the task, but it's not so bad when I have to sit and do nothing but work anyway. I know by tomorrow the tips of each nail will be chipped. Why does it have to be like that? Fake nails never chip off...gggrrr it is irritating.

Rant: I have been having an increasing problem with caffeine lately. Why is this happening? I can drink one cup of coffee or one glass of tea or one soda and wham I get all shaky and dizzy feeling. It sucks. I am not really much of a soda drinker, but from time to time I enjoy it. I think I might have to completely cut it out or switch to all non-caffeine varieties. Pisses me off!

That's about it for me. Whats got you rantin and ravin today?

Get it done!

2010-02-09T06:39:00.006-06:00

This is bound to be a long day. I started work at 5:30am and am planning on sticking to it until 5:30pm. If I can manage to do it, I will have gotten all my overtime done in two days, which leaves the rest of the week for a "normal" routine. I really want to get into the pool at least one day this week so as long as I can last sitting behind this computer all day, I should be able to make it there on Thursday. Seems weird to wish to swim when I look out on all the white snow.

We got a bit of the white stuff overnight (3.5 inches and still falling). From the sound of it, we are going to be getting some bitterly cold temps later today. Wind chills are going to drop all day and they say we could reach double digit below zero temps by this afternoon. I'm glad I work inside! Watching Jared get ready for work today made me feel sorry for everyone who works out and about. He was layering and layering and layering clothes.

Watching him reminded me of snow days when I was growing up. I would spend most of my time out in the snow all bundled up like that. We would play outside all day making forts or snowmen and having snow ball fights. Then we would come in and have hot chocolate and get warm. I can remember waiting and waiting for my dad to get home. He would take us sledding or would help us build the best snow creatures in the history of the world. I can remember one year we made this dragon, he sculpted the head and we made the body out of snow balls. The body went through our entire back yard, which was pretty big. It was amazing! We have made so many different things over the years it's hard to remember all of them. The snow always makes me think of him. I guess it always turned him into a kid again and he still loves being out in it.

As much as I like spring, summer, and fall I just don't think I would ever want to live somewhere that doesn't get a good winter snow. It is sort of magical! Even at 30 years old, I am still in awe every time I watch it fall.

Monday....we meet again.

2010-02-08T09:21:00.012-06:00

Monday yet again arrives at our door. I am well rested; had a wonderful weekend of relaxation with my husband. This is the first Monday in a long time where I woke up and feel good and happy. It is snowing today. Should be snowing most of the day and into tomorrow. I love looking out the window and seeing the white covered trees and grass. Right now I see big fluffy flakes; falling in silence to the cool ground below. Just something about it is comforting to me. I can't really explain it, but I like the way it feels.

I think it is good to feel like this, to sit back and really explore the way a single situation can make you happy, sad, relaxed, anxious. Last week my goal was to get back into exercise. To go back to the water aerobics class I used to enjoy. Being forced into overtime made it very difficult for me to hit my goal. In fact, I didn't make it at all. Again this week, my goal is to get back to the water. I love the water; it is a place that is comfortable and easy on my body. We have another week of ridiculous over time expected. The aerobics class is Monday and Wednesday and it looks like this is another week where I won't hit my goal. Wednesday night I have a seminar and with all this over time I'll be lucky to make it to that, which is very disappointing.

I feel like I need to start making some changes now and start preparing my body for whatever is ahead of me, which means I have to find a way to get around this work schedule. Find a way to fit in what needs to be done. If I can't do it now, how will I ever manage it? I wish things weren't quite so challenging. Wish it didn't hurt to move. Wish I could just work a normal schedule and have a break to sort all this out. I guess this is a new lesson in my life; push through this difficult stuff to find a new life and new me. I know I have to start somewhere and I suppose the hardest part is getting that big boulder moving. Once it starts to roll, it should pick up momentum and move on it's own. I need all the help I can get right now, but my job is taking it's toll on me. For now, I'll just keep watching the snow and try to figure out a way to fit everything in.

My brain is going to explode

2010-02-05T11:05:00.009-06:00

So this week has been completely crazy. We had a ton of overtime forced on us so I've been working some very long hours. I'm thankful today is Friday and the end of my day is just around the corner. On top of work, I've been doing an amazing amount of hard core thinking about my life. A good friend, I'll call her J, called me on Monday night. J was my roommate in college. We are both now nurses, but she is a far better one that I turned out to be. Anyway, it just so happens that J works with surgical patients and sees alot of weight loss surgery post-ops. Lucky for me, this provides a very unique look into this whole process.

So, she called to talk with me about surgery and what she sees from the nursing end and what recommendations she can make for this journey. I got a great deal of information from her, more than I realized. It has forced some long and hard thinking from my end, and I am grateful. I need to know all the good, bad, and ugly than can be with my choice for weight loss surgery.

After several days of really thinking about things, I've made the decision to continue to press forward with my plan. J supports this decision and has given me some good things to research and explore in regard to what surgeon and what hospital I choose. She is happy to be by my side on this but out of care urges me to be EXTREMELY well educated about everything prior to jumping off into the procedure. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I have been spending alot of free time doing research on local hospitals and reading about different surgeons. I feel like I have my choice narrowed down to a couple of places. One of them is through J's hospital. She told me if I went there I would be getting a great surgeon (one of the best); however, he has absolutely zero bedside manner. I am pretty hesitant to see a surgeon who will not make rounds on me the days following my procedure. The good thing about making the decision to use her hospital is that she can make arrangements to care for me during my stay. How fantastic would that be? Having a nurse you know personally and who is a damn good nurse to boot. I'm not sure anything could be bad about that and it would set my mind at ease knowing I would get top notch care in the days following the surgery.

I've come to realize this is a very tough and big decision. I have two more seminars scheduled, one is coming up next week and the other in March. I am trying to be very careful and take my time on this. Some days I wake up and think about it and am ready to go, other days I think about the struggles that could come and am not sure I want to go through with it. I think when the time is right my heart and mind will come together and decide yes or no. When that does happen I intend to put 100% of myself into whatever decision is made. For now, my education continues.

These are the best days

2010-02-01T09:28:00.006-06:00

I had such a wonderful weekend. Why??? Because my 5 year old niece, who we call KK, came for a visit .

Isn't she cute! (This picture was taken at Christmas...Obviously)

Anyway, I had a blast with her. She is big into the Nintendo Wii so we played and played and played games on the Wii. She would be a happy clam to sit and watch TV and play video games for her entire life. All to similar to her Daddy (my brother). She is easily the smartest kid I have ever seen. At age 5 she can read and write and knows more math than I do. I sat with her eating at a local restaurant. She was playing with the kids menu and was reading it to me. I was in awe!

So, we played the Wii a good bit, but Jared and I started to teach her a new game she doesn't play at home....POOL! We have a small pool table in our basement and she thought it was about the best thing going. We even have it set up with black lights and glow balls, which is obviously the most amazing thing to a 5 year old.

Plus, we live 3 houses away from a local park so despite it only being 35 degrees on Sunday, we took her over to the park for some fresh air. Dudley dog loved getting out and running with her and we got to watch the geese try to walk on the thin ice on the pond. They would walk and you could hear the ice crack and plop, they would fall through. Very funny!

All I can say is I feel pretty darn special to have a 5 year old who wants to come spend time with me. I had just as much fun as she did and can't wait for her next visit!

So it begins...and I am excited!

2010-01-28T08:31:00.006-06:00

Today is the first real step toward my ultimate goal. I am heading to my very first weight loss surgery seminar. I am finding myself to be both excited and nervous. I am anxious to learn more even though I've been doing a lot of reading on my own. I feel like this process is going to take forever. I am really just an impatient person when it comes to things like this. Once it is in my head, and I know I can make it happen; I cannot get it done soon enough. So, the journey begins today.

I've been thinking more about how I want to keep track of my progress during this time and know there are several ways that are options. I can continue to use my blog as a place to track myself, which I will more than likely do regardless; however, I am also trying to think of a way to visually watch the changes. Some people take weekly or monthly photo's, others might make short video's blogs of their journey. Any thoughts about this? I am thinking it would be wonderful to take weekly photos and make one big album I can keep. That way I could flip back anytime I wanted and would have something I could take with me to show friends and family down the road. My only concern is that each weekly picture won't look all that different. Perhaps monthly photo's would be better. I dunno. Any thoughts?

On a side note, I am very excited because my 5 year old niece is coming to stay with me this weekend. She is completely adorable and I can't wait to spend some good quality time with her. Sounds like she is bringing her Mommy too, which is fine; though I would have enjoyed having her all to myself. I will hopefully remember to take some photo's of our time together.

Just another Thursday

2010-01-21T09:37:00.005-06:00

Today is my last 10 hour Thursday, which means tomorrow is my last Friday off without having to use vacation. Apparently my boss is not satisfied with my work as of late so my 4 day per week schedule is being revoked and I am being sent back to the standard 5 day/week like everyone else. At first I was a bit upset about this mainly because I don't like that they are unhappy with my work, but also because I LOVE having every Friday off. It became my own personal time to do what I wanted and needed to do so I will miss having it that way. I can see the reasoning though, I could be more productive in a day, and this is a way to get me re-focused. So, that is now my mission. Obviously I'm still not 100% in focus as I am writing this during my work shift. :) But seriously, I am allowed breaks during the day and instead of getting up and taking 15-20 minutes here or there I choose to use my break time spread out all day. My productivity will go up and they will be happy with me, or at least I hope they will.

I have a very stressful job. You never can seem to do enough to make them happy. I guess that is the big fault of a production-based position. They figure you could always do more than you do. Anyway, I am hopeful within a couple of weeks they will leave me alone.

I don't really mind having the 5 day work week either and I figure there is a reason this is coming back to me now. I still get my weekends to myself and this will give me time to get back into water aerobics, which I have missed. So, I am trying to look at the change as a positive thing. My husband was working long 10-14 hour days when I decided to switch to the 4 day per week schedule so that we would better match our work times. Now he is rarely getting 8 hours so the change back to 8 hour days for me will mean more time with him in the evenings. He sounds pretty happy about the change so maybe it will be for the best.

Now the question is; what to do for my last Friday off??

Get that big ball rolling

2010-01-19T14:25:00.005-06:00

Today I have officially taken my first steps to the future. I have signed myself up to go to not one but two separate seminars about weight loss surgery. I am very excited to know that this could happen fairly quickly for me. I was told I can set up with a surgeon as soon as I wish following each of the seminars. I am pretty scared at this whole situation and know there are some major risks involved and find myself being reminded of this pretty frequently; however, life is not without risks. I figure each time I get in my little Jeep to go shopping or to visit family/friends I am at risk of something major happening. I figure we each face risk of dying or of suffering major injury from normal day to day activities. As such, I wonder why those "risks" people are so eager to point out should stop me from looking into this in a serious manner.

Did you know obesity and inactivity can causes cancers including colon, breast, kidney, and esophageal cancer? Here are some statistics I found at CNN. com;
49 percent of endometrial cancers are caused by excess body fat. That number is followed by 35 percent of esophageal cancer cases; 28 percent of pancreatic cancer cases; 24 percent of kidney cancer cases; 21 percent of gallbladder cancer cases; 17 percent of breast cancer cases; and 9 percent of colorectal cancer cases.

Is it just me or is that SCARY! Almost half of all endometrial cancer is caused by being obese! What is endometrial cancer? Most people would call it uterine cancer. According to Mayo Clinic; endometrial cancer, is one of the most common cancers in American women. It begins in the cells of the endometrium, the lining of your uterus — a hollow, pear-shaped pelvic organ where fetal development occurs. Endometrial cancer is sometimes called uterine cancer, but there are other cells in the uterus that can become cancerous — such as muscle or myometrial cells. These form much less common cancers called sarcomas.

So, those who say surgery is risky...I show you these number and I show you the increased risk of co-morbidities including heart disease, diabetes, stroke, DEATH. I realize this is a big decision and the decision for surgery is not the choice that is appropriate or right for ALL obese people. That being said, I feel it is the right decision for me and my future. Anyway, so the big ball is now in motion. I am getting focused on the next steps in the coming months and learning more and more about obesity and surgery.

Looking ahead

2010-01-18T08:01:00.011-06:00

Well, obviously from my last post one should be able to tell things in my life haven't been all that wonderful since getting married. I don't know what the reasoning but Jared and I have had a huge disconnect since our big day. A week ago I was pretty sure it wasn't going to last. I was pretty sure I didn't want to stick around to watch the rest of the deconstruction of our lives. We spent a few days avoiding one another and not talking, but finally the silence had to be broken. I forced the issues and we spent several long night talking through some things. I'm not saying we are "fixed" or "perfect", but at least we are both "trying" to stay on the right track. I suppose trying is really all anyone can ever do.

Last week was a bad week for me in so many ways. Going through the tough times with Jared, but also my own personal battles. I reached a point where I just suddenly realized I have to do something about being overweight. I know it's grown to this life threatening problem and see I have to make some hard decisions. I have previously tried to get gastric bypass surgery approved by my insurance company, but to no avail. It is quite simply an exclusion from my policy, which leaves me to either not get surgery, pay for it myself, or try to find a new employer with insurance to cover it. Basically, it means no good options. I like my work, so finding a new job is not an option. Self-paying for surgery would mean finding a way to pay for a $25,000 dollar procedure on top of day to day life. That was not going to happen either, which left me on the road of no surgery.

I've been on that road the last two years and doing nothing else to help myself out of this. I started swimming for awhile but fell off track and gave up. So, last week I started looking at other options. I again re-visited the option of self-pay for surgery, but to get a loan would mean a huge interest rate and monthly payments upward of 700 dollars. Unless I start selling some of my life away including my home, this was not an option. Next step...I looked at local "weight loss programs" through gyms or personal trainers. I found a 12 week program, which could be an option to get a good start under my feet. It was about 340 bucks, which was yet another thing I needed to save for a bit. This smaller amount is totally doable in another month or two. I started to have hope for change.

My parents have watched me as a heavy person nearly my whole life, from the time I was about 8 or 9 I started getting big. I know and can acknowledge the reason for this, which was mentioned on my blog before. You can read about it if you click here. I was molested, raped, verbally assaulted, and physically abused. It was a hard time in my life and I was young! I didn't know how to protect myself, couldn't tell anyone or ask anyone for help. Food became my comfort and I started to believe that if I could get "fat" the bastard wouldn't like me anymore and would leave me alone. Why should someone who is 8 years old have to think about something so horrible? Fast forward to this week. I still fight the daily battle with my weight and eating and being so consumed with it. I am lost and alone and scared. I know it is time to take control in some way.

I call my mother, who agreed with me and said the 12 week program sounded like a great start. Goose, the best friend anyone could have, agreed and has been by my side. As someone who has been my friend for the last 15 years, she has seen alot. I'm sure more than I realize. This damn weight has destroyed my life. Everyone close to me agrees, time to do something. Most tell me, "you don't need surgery, just need to stop eating and start exercising". Geez, brilliant! If only it were that simple. I would have had this gone years ago. But, now I have a plan to try again and take part in this 12 week program and get going with SOMETHING. This is in my head and I'm ready to start....UNTIL....

I get a call from my Dad. He mentions about my weight and about how my mom had discussed with him about my plan. He agreed that it is time to do something big to deal with this. They all know and understand how the weight is a direct result of my abuse as a child. Something I've carried with me since that time. He acknowledges that I am prepared to start this long journey and tells me how happy he is that I am making the decision to want to move on from this. He says my choice for the 12 week program is good but, he offers a gift I still cannot quite take in all the way. He offers to pay for gastric bypass surgery. I am overwhelmed and excited and hopeful and SCARED! This is my inheritance. A gift he wants me to have now as he feels like if I don't take it now; I won't get because I won't outlive him. We cry together talking about my weight and how much of a barrier it has become to life. I once was athletic and active and even though I was big then, it was not enough to stop me from doing what I enjoy. Now, I have very little from life I enjoy. Most things are uncomfortable physically and mentally.

We talked a long time on the phone about surgical options and about gathering more information to make a good decision about this. He tells me, "the time has come to get serious and move forward with visiting surgeons, going to seminars, and choosing the best option for your body and your life". Even no, days later, I am in awe of how this all played out.

At this point in time I wonder if anyone out there has any experiences good/bad/or otherwise related to weight loss surgery. I am in education mode and want to learn all I can about different procedures, surgeons, outcomes, recovery, etc. I need to learn learn learn so I don't let this opportunity get wasted. I am hopeful for a long and bright future where I am not confined and restricted and sad. Time to look ahead.

How do you go from one to the other?

2010-01-11T07:56:00.004-06:00

Just wondering how you can go from this:

to this:

in three short months.

The dog days of winter

2010-01-08T07:39:00.006-06:00

It has been a long while since I posted something so I figured I should get back into it. Our weather has turned bitter cold and we finally got some of that beautiful snow I had hoped to see. I look out the window and everything seems so peaceful and calm. Unlike the way I feel lately. I've been doing alot of thinking over the last couple of weeks and my mind is unsettled. I can't seem to focus on one thought and can't seem to sit still.

The holidays are over, which I am very glad of. Christmas was very lovely this year and I felt more relaxed than I have in the past 6 years. It was a good change. I spent new years house sitting for some family, which was fine, but I was ready to get back home by the time the weekend was done.

Now that I'm back here some part of me wishes I could run off and get away again. I guess that is how it always works. My husband and I are on a somewhat disconnected road right now. It scares me. With the cold and snow came him getting no work and being home. I feel like when he is here and I have to work, he could be taking care of the chores so I don't have to and so that they will be done for us to get to spend evenings together. He, on the other hand, feels like he should be able to do whatever he wants, which equals sit in front of the TV for 10 hour straight. I am all for lazy days every now and then, but doesn't it seem a bit unfair for him to sit in front of the TV for 10 hours while I work, then come to me and ask what I'm making for dinner? I figure dinner is the least he could do. But, I get up after my long day and stand in the kitchen and make dinner plus clean it all up. Not exactly what I wanted to do and of course by the time I get done with cooking and cleaning the day is pretty much over.

Maybe I'm just whiny and bitchy lately but I can't see how his mind tells him it is OK to act like this. I couldn't just sit and do nothing all day while he works and then ask him to make me dinner plus clean it up. Oh well. If all of this isn't bad enough, someone got a hold of my debt card number and made a counterfeit card, which they then took to a Best Buy store in a different state and made a $1000 purchase with. This is a big hassle for me because not only do I have to wait up to 15 days for my money to be restored, but I also have had to make several trips to the bank to fill out paperwork to get my money back.

On a more positive and happy note. My dog LOVES the snow. This has been his first year to really get out and play in it and boy oh boy is he into it. He runs around and kicks snow up everywhere. Makes me laugh and smile whenever I think about it. So, here are a few pictures of Dudley enjoying the white fluffy snow. These were taking over Christmas at my Mom's, but he has been at it again since getting new snow at home this week.

Renovation Bathroom Phase 1....DONE!

2009-12-23T14:46:00.013-06:00

The bathroom renovation is complete. Two and a half days worth of hard work by my wonderful husband gave these results. Check out the before and after and let me know what you think. I am in LOVE with the new faucet. It has this old time water pump look to it and the water just looks beautiful flowing out. I couldn't be more happy than I am right now.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME!

Before:

After:

Totally cool faucet:

So it begins...

2009-12-22T10:53:00.004-06:00

Yesterday was the start of our bathroom renovation. I talked about this awhile back and posted "before" pictures, which I will put up again once the transformation is completed. My husband installed our new toilet (yes...exciting, I know) yesterday. He got the old blue rusted sink out and has been preparing the area for the new one. We found some old tile behind the sink, which was the same lovely shade of blue/green, guess that was the "thing" back in the 60's. I am super glad to know that wasn't covering all the walls. At least the previous old couple did us a service to have that removed prior to selling.

Though it is only a toilet and vanity, I am still super excited about these changes to my home. I feel like each little thing we do in there is a HUGE step towards the final goal. We have a big project to replace the tub and add in real plumbing for a shower. We would love to tile the shower with slate and put in a new window. We actually have a window to install, but it isn't the same size so it will take some work to make the changes. I think in the end it will be quite a costly project to do the tub, so it waits. However, the vanity and toilet get us one step closer to the end result, which totally excites me. Plus, to no longer have to look at that nasty rusty sink will be a beautiful thing!

Pictures to come later today...I HOPE!

I made it...barely

2009-12-21T08:34:00.008-06:00

I swear I just knew bad things were coming for this weekend. Do you ever get that feeling in the pit of your stomach where you can just tell something is off. Well, it was off big time! The in-laws came down to our town for the weekend as Jared's younger brother graduated from our local university. It has been a long road for him so I'm super proud he made it.

Anyway, the day was bitter cold and parking is hard to come by so my wonderful husband decided he would drop me off near the door so I didn't have to walk in the cold. (Insert awwwww here) There were many other husbands and families doing the same so we sorta just pulled into the drop off line and I jumped out. Had my much to large purse with our camera bag in my hands. I had to walk through a patch of snowy grass to reach the pavement. As I reached the pavement, it looked like normal; however, what I failed to see was that there was a thick covering of grayish MUD on the edge where I had to walk. I hit it, slipped and fell smack on my right knee. In front of hundreds of people I totally busted ass. Extremely embarrassed and muddy, I picked myself up and went inside. My MIL was standing there and wondered why I was muddy. I said, "oh yeah, I decided to run through the mud before coming here....no really I fell". She wasn't listening and laughed. I just thought okay whatever. Jared comes rushing in to check on me and re-explains to MIL that I fell. She still didn't hear it. Finally when we got up to our seats and I am pulling up my muddy pant leg to look at my knee and she sees it is all banged up she says, "oh you FELL!" NO SHIT? REALLY? Did we not try to tell you that twice?

So yeah, not the best day I've ever had. But to make it even worse, after the graduation we all went to the brother-in-laws house for a party. We had dinner and drinks and talked for awhile. Finally we decided to go home, but as soon as we walked in the door we got a call that Jared's grandmother, who was still at brother-in-laws house, fell and cut her leg open. She had to be rushed to the ER and have 18 stitches put in her leg. Needless to say, I should have listened to my gut and STAYED AT HOME! Haha.

Today, my knee seems a bit better. Not as swollen but still hurty some. It is getting easier to walk and stand on it, but still pretty sore when it comes to standing up or sitting down. I haven't had it looked at yet and since it seems to be getting better I doubt I will. I'd guess I strained it and it will continue to improve with rest, elevation, and ice, which is pretty much how I treated it all day yesterday.

Back at work today and it's going to be a week from hell. I hope I can get through it without any real big incidents!

Rant and Rave Wednesday

2009-12-16T17:06:00.004-06:00

I've started to enjoy this whole rant and rave deal. Go check out Little Ms. Blogger to see what she is ranting and raving about this week.

Rave-I had two full hours without work to do today. I was supposed to be reviewing material, which I pretended to do, but it was wonderful to have some down time to sit and think.

Rant-Typically my work is very slow this time of year, but this year we are still keeping pretty busy. I guess it keeps me with a job, but I miss the down time.

Rave-Tomorrow is my last day of work for the week. Oh how I am ready for my Friday off.

Rant-I'll be spending my whole day off cleaning and getting ready for company over the weekend. The in-laws will be around Saturday and my family on Sunday.

Rant-I really wish I could totally skip over Saturday and not deal with those people.

Rave-My little niece is super excited to come see me on Sunday so she can check out our Christmas decorations. I hope she approves!

Well that's about it for me today. What's got your ranting and raving?

Thinking about the past...and the future

2009-12-14T10:33:00.011-06:00

So last year at this time I was sitting in my small overcrowded apartment dreaming of the day I would get to have my own home, my own space, my own everything. Little did I know that a few short weeks away that dream would come reality and I would get to start work on my very own place. Here I sit a year later thinking back to the long process it took to get to this day. We are not close to being "finished" with this house but it is wild to think about how far we have come in such a short time. Much work, dedication, and love has gone into creating this thing I call my home. I can still picture in my head what it was like that first day we walked in the door. The walls were white and bare, the floors new and shiny, the curtains and shades old and worn. Such contrasting features it had. This house sat empty on the market for nearly two years as the couple who once called it home aged and slowly faded out of this world. Jared and I, a young couple just getting started on our life journey together, stepped in to pick up where they left off. That old couple lived most of their lives right here, raised a family, cared for one another. I think alot about that and how we are living our lives. I feel like we take pride in this home and in a weird way, maybe that makes me feel like we are honoring those who lived here before us. Though we never got to meet them or know them, our neighbors speak highly of the old couple. I like to think they can look down at their old place and see it is still well cared for and loved.

So anyway, thinking about where I was this time last year gets me thinking about where I will be this time next year. What dreams do I have now that I didn't have then. What dreams do I still dream that have yet to be reached? Hard work got us to this home. We got focused and had a goal set and we made it. I have so many other things in my life I want to do, goals to meet. Some easy, some hard, and some I feel like I will never attain. Why is that? Why should some seem so easy and some not reachable at all?

I dream of creating a family for this home. We would outgrow these walls very quickly but that is a different bridge to cross. Right now I dream of the sound of a baby, the smell and feel of soft skin, the joy of being a mother. This dream...I am so unsure if I will reach. I know it is not in the cards for this year but when I look back at this time next year will it be time? I have a huge barrier standing before me. I know at the weight I am, pregnancy is not only likely not possible to achieve, but extremely risky to the health of myself and a child if it were to happen.

I dream of a day when I can be comfortable in my body. Dream not to be thin but to FEEL GOOD and know I'm healthy. I have been on this roller coaster of diets in the past and it's like everyone says, diets don't work. Lifestyle change is what I need, but how? Where do I start? What resources do I use? I am lost. I've got a great support system with friends and family who dream the same dream I do. They want to see me healthy and happy and free from this burden that has weighed me down my whole life. Yet, I can't seem to figure this out for myself. This is my demon. I sit and think I REALLY want to be different yet at night I sit in my chair instead of going to the gym. I feel like this is an insurmountable mountain to climb. Like I have tried to conquer this thing for nearly my whole life and all I accomplish is failure. So, since every single time I've tried it has ended in failure; then why try? Yet, it holds me back. I can't do the things I want to do, can't really be who I want to be. I cheat not only myself but everyone I know. I am not the wife, friend, daughter, sister I want to be. The people most important in my life deserve more out of me than what they get.

How do I stop feeling sorry for myself and actually get past it? I have looked into surgical options. I am an excellent candidate for bypass; however, I have insurance that refuses to pay for obesity related treatments. Not even treatment with a dietitian. How sad is that? So, as surgery is about 25,000 bucks, it is not an option for me to pay this out of pocket.

The Biggest Loser? Yes, I have thought long and hard about wanting to sign up for this show. I do feel like I could be a good choice for them. I have a deep dark history, a good story some might say. Is it enough for them to choose me as a contestant? It's like a one in a million shot. Even if I did apply and beat out other people and be chosen to participate, where does that leave my job? my husband? house? etc? It would be like going away knowing I am going to lose everything I've worked hard for. My husband could not pay the mortgage without my income; so how could I know this and drop everything to leave for months. What would I be coming home to? Plus, not everyone gets to be gone 3 months. What if I give up my job to go and get voted off the first week? Then I'm left with nothing and will have nothing to show for it!

What are other choices? Pay out of pocket for a nutritionist and personal trainer. These don't really work on my budget either. I am feeling helpless, hopeless, scared. I wish lightening would strike and empower me and show me the way to fix this. Even the thought of death is not enough to "scare" me to change. What a loser this makes me and how I hate myself for thinking that I am less scared to die than to try! "When there is a will there is a way." Really? I don't see it.

And the worst part of all this is that friends/family just don't "get it." They see it from one side. The side that says, just get off your fat lazy ass and go to the gym, stop eating, stop thinking...just do it. It just isn't that simple. I have a real problem here! I CAN'T just stop eating. I wish alcohol or drugs were the problem, I can live without those. But food, I HAVE to eat. So enough of my "pity party" they say. But they don't have to feel the things I do each day. Don't feel how much it hurts to go to the gym, to be hungry. Don't understand the internal pain and turmoil I feel with even thinking about letting go of this fat. How shedding pounds is forcing me to let go of a "protection" I have created for myself and how letting go of that is scary and difficult. Maybe I will never win against all these demons. Maybe it will just be like this for me until it kills me. Regardless of all this, I still dream the dream of health for the year ahead.

What are your dreams?

Rant and Rave Wednesday

2009-12-09T16:28:00.004-06:00

Well I decided to do another Rant and Rave Wednesday for all my blogger friends. If you haven't ever seen this before go check out LittleMsB and see what all the rantin and ravin is all about.

Rant: The weather has turned bitter cold but instead of getting lovely snow with it we simply get rain and flurries.

Rave: The fact that it is cold means that eventually snow will fall. I love the snow, most likely because I don't have to venture out in it unless I so choose. It looks beautiful, smells beautiful, and makes the holidays even more magical. I hope it snows before Christmas.

Rant: I don't have nearly enough of my Christmas shopping done and am afraid I'll be forced to go out with all those mean last minute shoppers. Why can't everyone have a good attitude about things regardless of the day the shop?

Rant: My wedding photos should be done within the next week and a half and I have to pay a good chunk in order to get them. The extra kick at my already strained budget leaves me feeling a bit worried.

Rave: I finally get to see the lovely reminders of our beautiful day.

Rant: I am feeling terribly down in the dumps the last few weeks and I want more than anything to feel like myself again. There are some real serious things weighing on my mind and no matter how hard I try to push them aside, they just won't let me sweep them under the rug.

Rave: The work day is coming to a close. Gosh I'm ready for a few hours to myself!

What's got you ranting and raving this week?

Rigging up the lights!

2009-12-08T07:46:00.004-06:00

This morning as I'm catching up on my e-mail, I come across this one sent from my brother-in-law. I loved it so much I thought I would share it with all of you. I think this is a fantastic way to decorate your house! What do you think?

Make sure to read story at bottom…

Fantastic. Greg sends along this DIY FYI:

"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories....but two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."

Weekend Review

2009-12-07T07:10:00.006-06:00

My weekend was nothing all that special. The hubby and I attempted to get some Christmas shopping done on Saturday and had to go into the city to do it. I knew just what I was looking for and knew where to find it. I had just seen these things not two months ago and knew it was the exact price I wanted to spend. This was going to clear out 3 of the 11 people I needed to buy gifts for. I got to the store only to find that THEY RAISED THE PRICES! How ridiculous is that? I was there not two months before and these gifts were exactly what I needed to pay to keep myself in the budget. They had gone up 25% in price. I refused to pay the marked up prices so I was left to figure out new gift ideas for 3 people. UGH!

I was actually quite mad about this. I spent a good bit of my time and a good bit of gas driving down to this mall where I bought not one gift. Very ridiculous. Anyway, Jared and I decided we were done shopping for the day. I think we were both disgusted at the situation.

Sunday, we did absolutely nothing. We sat in front of our huge Christmas tree and watched it spin round and round. (We have a spinning tree stand) We talked about life and the holidays. It was nice and something I think I really needed. Trying to plan Christmas with multiple families is very challenging. I'm getting to the point where I can't even enjoy my favorite time of year as it only seems to end with arguments on where to spend most of our time. I thought we had a decent compromise for this year, but apparently Jared doesn't feel the same. Though once I pointed out we would be spending the majority of the day with his family, he realized he had no room to complain.

I am excited about one decision we made. This Christmas eve, instead of driving ourselves insane going 4 different places, we are staying at home. We will go to our own church for our very first Christmas eve service and spend Christmas morning in our own home. Though we aren't giving each other gifts, I am very excited to know I get to wake up in my own bed, drink a cup of my own coffee, and mentally prepare for the long day ahead. I think we will both be quite thankful for the time alone before the long day of travel. There is just something nice about knowing you can start your own traditions after getting married. I would love to see Christmas eve become "our" time to have each year. At this point, I realize this is more than likely just wishful thinking.

So here we are, back to Monday. How was your weekend?

Finally Friday

2009-12-04T07:46:00.006-06:00

This has been one of the worst weeks I've had in a very long time. You all know about the dog issues but because of having to deal with taking the dog to the vet, I missed time from work and now am walking on eggshells with my employer. It seems they make up new "rules" each week with what we can and cannot do. In the past, we could take time off through the week as long as we made our hours up before Friday at 5pm. That was awesome because if you needed to see the doctor or something, you could just schedule it and go, then make up your time. Now, ANY and ALL time off must be scheduled at least 2 weeks in advance. Really? So you aren't allowed to call out sick, or if you do you risk losing your position. If your child has an emergency or gets ill, you must plan that out in advance. I mean what kind of dumbass shit is that? No person sits at home and says, geez...I think I'll be getting the flu in a couple of weeks so I better go ahead and schedule that in.

Anyway, I don't know if it's all the stress of the week or what but I am finding it hard to function. I feel useless, worthless, and sad. No Happy Hour Friday for me. I just want a hot cup of tea and honey and then my big bed. Blekkk I hate feeling like this!

This has been a bad week

2009-12-03T09:44:00.009-06:00

Tuesday morning a little after 10am my door bell rings. As I get up from my desk chair to see who is at the door, my dog Dudley jumps down to bark and greet our guests. As I reach the front door I notice something is wrong with my pooch. I couldn't quite figure it out at first and greeted two bible thumpers. As I say hello to them I am focused on my dog. He is stumbling about in a very uncoordinated fashion. He looked scared and I couldn't tell what was wrong. I knew this was bad. I quickly told my guests I had to go, and they tried to keep me there and told me they wanted to "spread the word about Jesus". By this time, Dudley's distress sunk into my brain and I knew what was going on. I shouted to the bible bitches that I was having an emergency and slammed the door in their faces.

Dudley was having a seizure. He was shaking all over and his eyes were wide with confusion and fear. I talked to him and tried to calm him, for I knew I could do nothing for him until the seizure stopped. I called my husband and he started home from work. I called the vet, who explained that I didn't need to rush him in. They asked for us to monitor him over the next weeks and if he had another seizure within a month, to bring him in. By this time, he had calmed and the seizure had stopped. He looked so scared and so was I. Immediately following the completion of the seizure, he vomited. I felt helpless. Before my husband arrived, I watched as my poor pooch began to have a second seizure. I knew it was time to take him to the vet. He was scared, I could tell. He fumbled over to where his crate was and he crawled inside the best he could. I knew it was a safe place for him. I sat in front of him trying to calm him down and within a minute the second seizure stopped. He again vomited. We rushed him to the vet and for the next several hours were forced to wait for news of what was going on.

I was scared.

Turns out he had pancreatitis, which was responsible for the seizures. We brought him home Tuesday night but he was left with an IV catheter in his arm. We were instructed to closely monitor him. I don't think I got much sleep. Yesterday we took him back and things were better. Now my little puggle his home and happy. I pray nothing like this comes about again. He is so sweet and doesn't deserve to feel bad. I mean look at that face! Thank God he make it through.

Random Tuesday Thoughts

2009-12-01T07:29:00.004-06:00

-Don't you think it's strange how life moves on? Weather someone we love passes on, gets sick, moves away, gets robbed, suffers personal strife, etc. Life ALWAYS moves on. No matter how bad things are, they eventually do get better and we keep pressing forward and forget about the past.

-Why is the damn Midwest weather so ridiculous? I mean how can it be December 1st and going to be 60 degrees today? Then tomorrow it will be in the 40's. I don't ever remember it being 60 degrees and sunny in December.

-Why does my dog want to sleep ON my back during the work day? I sit in my big comfy desk chair and have to spend half my day fighting to keep him from jumping over to wedge himself between my back and the back of the chair. He is heavy and it is uncomfortable. To my right is a HUGE queen sized bed he could have all for himself, but nope....he wants my back.

-I hate colds. They make me feel miserable all over. My head hurts, face hurts, nose hurts, throat hurts, chest hurts. I mean seriously, can this crap end like now.

-Do you ever randomly find money in your home? I never do. My husband once found 100 bucks in a birthday card he had stashed away and forgot about. He found that money 2 years after it was given to him. Recently someone else I knew found 112 bucks in a random bag. They had gotten it from a wedding and forgot they had stashed it in a closet. Now they come across it over a year later. Just very random isn't it!

-Why is it that even though my name has changed from getting married, I still think of myself by my old name? I have to FORCE myself to say or write the new name. I wonder how long it will take for me to finally recognize that I am this new name.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for this random Tuesday. What's on your mind?

What a weekend

2009-11-30T14:36:00.005-06:00

I haven't had such a bittersweet holiday in a very long time. Thanksgiving proved to be a wonderful day. I spend time with my old family and new family and enjoyed every moment. It was alot of travel, but worth it in the end to spend good quality time with the people I love. Jared and I stuck to our schedule and made it everywhere on time. The night ended with a hot game of uno to please my 5 year old niece.

Friday came and I was feeling pretty crappy. Jared had a bad cold early last week and I picked it up. I typically love the Black Friday shopping and go with my Mother every year. This was the first year I had to miss. I was just not feeling up to the long lines and crowds. She understood and took Jared out with her. They had a good time and the rest of the day I spent with the family.

Saturday, as per my tradition, I helped my mom decorate her home for Christmas. We had a wonderful time despite me not being 100%. It was a long busy day but worth it. At the end of the evening the rest of the family came to enjoy a dinner, drinks, and more games. I played in one game and decided to call it a night. That's where the bitterness begins.

At some point while I was asleep I heard my mother yelling for my father. I knew something was wrong and got up to see what was going on. Turns out, while we all sat playing games, my younger brother and his wife, who live 12 houses down the street from my parents, were being robbed. When they got home, they didn't even have to go inside to know things were not right. They immediately called us and the police. We all got dressed and walked the 12 houses down the street. A long night with police, tears, anger, fear, disgust all rolled into the matter of a few hours was what we were all in for. We were only a short block away, only 12 houses up the street, enjoying our lives and our family. All the while some low life dick wads were robbing the hardest working people I know. My brother and sister don't make alot of money but what they have they EARN from 100% hard work. I felt completely destroyed for them and wanted to kill whoever did this to them.

Luckily everything can be replaced and they have good insurance to take care of it. But, neither of them feel safe and can't seem to sleep or eat or live like normal people do. Very bittersweet. What is the joy people get from stealing? Is there a high in it or did it happen simply because they were desperate for the "goods". Can't these people find jobs and work for the things they want? As I stood there with them, my heart ached and there was nothing I could say or do to make it better. They had already wrapped every Christmas present and had it under the tree. The dirt bags went through and opened each gift taking what they wanted. What a horrible thing!

I always wanted to be the big sister that could protect my family; however, there I stood watching my brother hurt, knowing there wasn't a damn thing I could do. I gazed at the mess they left and was thankful nobody was hurt and that everything important to them was still in the house. It was obvious the thieves weren't there long, but they left enough destruction for my brother to be very unsettled. I hate that more than anything. But what can you do to help? I told them I'm a phone call away and offered to help with anything, but all in all I feel like I should have been able to do more.

Looks like tough times are abroad for this holiday season and prayers are needed to help all of us pull through this.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-25T05:43:00.004-06:00

In about 12 hours I will be heading out of town to go spend Thanksgiving with the family. As I have said in previous posts I am somewhat apprehensive about how the holiday will play out but am making it my mission to think positive. Despite that, the MIL is already causing drama for Jared and I. We are taking it in stride though, sticking to our plan and not letting her rain on our holiday.

I have had to put in some crazy work hour this week. Damn mandatory overtime. I am exhausted and have this horrible cold. Yet, I push on to get ready to spend some good old quality family time at home.

What do you have to give thanks for? This last year has been a blur for me, but I haven't lost sight of all the good things going on. I have someone in my life who loves me unconditionally and I love him back just the same. We got married and are head over heels in love. I have a job that is wonderful and pays me well, albeit I hate the overtime. We bought our first home this year. I never knew how unsettled my life really was until we got moved in. My family is amazing and my new extended family is wonderful (for the most part). Jared and I are surrounded by people who love and support us. In the end there is really nothing better than knowing you have people in your life who care about what you do.

I am looking forward to the weekend. More the weekend than the holiday as I get to spend some wonderful quality time with my Mom. She is my #1 best friend and I never get tired of sharing time with her. Over the years we have formed a Thanksgiving tradition. Black Friday, we will rise out of bed early and shop till we drop. We agree it is exciting and fun but more from the atmosphere and the thrill of victory when you find that super door buster bargain that someone else didn't get. By mid morning we will be sitting down for a yummy breakfast and talking about all the good or bad shopping we did. All that matters to us is that we are in it together.

Saturday will come and I will help my Mom decorate her house. It is fun for me and help to her. I feel like a kid pulling out all those familiar old Christmas trinkets. My mom is a big "knick knack" collector (wonder where I got it). We will listen to Christmas tunes, talk, laugh, cry, and have one wonderful day together. The weekend after Thanksgiving is one of my favorites all year. So much love surrounds me in those days and I can't wait to be submerged it in again this year.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

All for the holidays (LONG)

2009-11-24T09:01:00.016-06:00

Phew what a busy few days I've had. The weekend was fantastic. Jared and I spent our time putting out our Christmas decorations as well as went shopping for some new fancy items for our bathroom. I should take a before photo to show you how gorgeous...erm I mean ugly our bathroom is. That was a big down side to this house when we bought it. All of the bathroom fixtures are this blue/green color, which was obviously the original to the house back in the 60's. Be right back, I'll take a photo. Okay so if you notice, I've tried to "cute" it up a bit but I am severely limited as I am stuck to a color palate to match these horrible fixtures. I got lucky to find a shower curtain with the same colors and went from there. The photo doesn't show the orange on the curtain very well but it is there, hence why we have orange rugs. Any who, we decided the rusty dirty sink and toilet had to go. We have shiny new ones to go in complete with a granite top vanity! I am very excited to see the transformation, but will have to wait about 3 or 4 weeks to see the final results. Jared is going to install the new items when he is on a 2 week break from work in the middle of December. (click the pictures to enlarge)

So, yes that was exciting for us to be updating such an ugly bathroom. Better than that for me was getting to dig out all my beloved Christmas decorations. I just LOVE the holiday! I Have gathered what I like to call, "knick knacks" over the years and get giddy with each year I get to display them. Some are old, some are new, some have meaning, some have none. In the end, they all make me happy in some little way.

I decided to keep some of them in storage this year, as I just haven't quite figure out to maximize my decorating space in the new house. I decided I want to share pictures of some of my favorite things. I think I'm going to show them in order of my most favorite down.

1) The small music box you see in the middle of this table (it is round and has a little snowman on it) was given to me by my Dad's parents during my first Christmas. So, it is 30 years old this year. It still plays and frosty still dances on the ice even though I dropped it when I was young and it cracked completely in half. My Daddy glued it together and he still works to this day. I feel like it is NOT Christmas until frosty is out in my home. To the right of it is another music box, which also came from my Dad's parents. A few years ago, my grandparents found it and gave it to me as a replacement for my broken one. Little do they know, they could NEVER replace my original. I still cherish them both dearly and know I will even more when my grandparents are no longer alive. 2) Before my Mom's mom passed away, she gave me her Christmas village. I have always been a fan of the department 56 village sets; yet I refuse to pay such high prices for little light up houses. Anyway, when Gram gave me her village I was thrilled. She was moving to a nursing home at that time and wanted someone to enjoy it as she use to. It has been extremely important to me since that time. I have added a few pieces here and there over the last couple of years but no new houses. I'm sure some day I will add more to it, but for now it makes me happy just they way it is. The best part is that every time I walk into my living room and look at it, I get to remember what a wonderful person my Gram was. I miss her terribly, she passed last January, but that village makes me feel her near me again. Here are some shots I took of the village.

3) The other things I love create sort of a general category of "knick knacks". My whole life I have been somewhat obsessed with the old children's move, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer". You know the one! I'm sure you do! I could recite the whole thing by heart....but I'll spare you. Anyway, it has become my love to collect Rudolph themed junk to help decorate my home. Here is a glimpse of some of my oddities.
I could go on forever with these Christmas loves of mine. I just think this one post is getting long enough. Let me not forget that Thanksgiving comes first and boy do I ever have a lot to give thanks for this year; hwoever, I am finding it difficult to get into this holiday. My employer has me run ragged. Last week was full of mandatory OT and now this week is as well. I'm working crazy long days and not only am I exhausted but Jared and I are both sick. It might make for one miserable holiday weekend, but I'm hoping we get better soon and are able to enjoy it.

Thoughts for Thursday

2009-11-19T09:24:00.009-06:00

I really don't have much to say today. I've been in a funk the last couple of weeks. I dunno if I'm in the let down phase after the wedding or what, but it seems like I'm just off. I've been really up and down. Super happy then super sad. I have had troubles in the past with depression and anxiety so I started to wonder if some of that was coming back but I realized it's not the same as before so I don't believe it is. I just think I've been very busy with work and taking the days as they come. The good ones are fun and make me excited and the bad ones suck and piss me off. That should be normal right?

I admit that I am a bit nervous about the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday. This is my first year spending the day with Jared's family and there is always that potential for drama. We have a schedule to keep so that we can visit both of our families. More frequently than not my MIL plays this game where she will try to stall us as long as possible. I hate the game and get very annoyed that my husband lets her win. We do have a game plan in place this year so I am trying to remain positive and hope for the very best; however, I can't help but feel a bit anxious that there will be issues. I like to think she understands that just as we work hard to spend time on both sides and show up on time, we have to keep a schedule to get to my families festivities on time. Yet I doubt that concept reaches her brain. Maybe that is why I am funky right now. I'm nervous about the holiday. I hope once it passes and is wonderful it will reassure me that we can have fun with both families and that both can understand how difficult it is to travel and make everyone happy.

Other than these things, I'm also thinking about Christmas. I'm not trying to whine about the negative things going on as I realize we have it better than a good number of people. Yet, I still worry about it as the wedding pinched our budget really tightly and we have flat our run out of money. It's a scary feeling for us since the last two years have been so easy. We have been able to do what we wanted, save money, buy a home, and feel secure. The wedding was way over what I ever wanted to pay and Jared just didn't understand how tight it would make us. Looking back now, I know he regrets using all of our money for the wedding, but what's done is done. I don't really regret it, I mean it was a beautiful and perfect day; however, I think we could have gotten the same feelings from a less expensive ordeal. What does that have to do with Christmas? Everything and nothing. We will still enjoy the holiday just in a different way. Last year we spent big because we could. It was easy and fun shopping. This year, we are going to be squeezing ever ounce of cash from our paychecks to get everyone something to enjoy. There just hasn't been enough time passed to allow us to rebuild our extra cash flow to where I want it to be. Though I know it will only take a few of months for us to be back in the comfort zone, right now it's a bummer.

This weekend, to try and boost my holiday spirit and forget about the other downers, I am going to decorate my house. It is early but like I said earlier in the week we are going to be gone over Thanksgiving and I want to be able to enjoy it as soon as we get home. This is our first Christmas in our home and I cannot wait to get the tree up and start enjoying the things we have been blessed with. The air will be filled with good old holiday music and the scent of pine from Christmas candles. Just that one thought makes me smile. It has become my mission to try and see the good in all things. Even when there is darkness, there is ALWAYS some light to see. I find this very difficult as I am a huge pessimist, but right now I doubt there is a better goal for me to strive for.

Anyway, these are the thoughts running through my brain on this rainy Thursday. Is there anything on your mind?

Rant and Rave Wednesday

2009-11-18T07:18:00.006-06:00

Rant- I am forced to work overtime this week, which means an already long 10 hour work day becomes miserable after 12 or 14 hours. This is why I was up and working at 6:30am. I hate mornings and I hate OT!

Rave- The OT will give me some much needed extra money, so despite all the hate I have for it come pay day I will be grateful.

Rant- The weather is turning colder. I was quite enjoying our abnormally warm November and am somewhat saddened to see it leave. I know the long and bitter winter is right around the corner.

Rave- Goose's wedding is coming up and some of the more finalized plans are starting to come into place. I am excited for her to feel the joy you get on your wedding day and feel really blessed she has chosen me to be a part of her day.

Rant- I am feeling that thing alot of women go through....the desire to have children. I am 30 years old and feeling more ready than ever to take on a baby. My husband feels the opposite. He is not as settled as I am and wishes to finish his education first. While I too would like for him to finish school I understand there is a limit on how long we could put off having a baby. I feel in my heart that right now is not the right time, but I still ache for it to happen. I keep praying that it will be in my future, yet something inside tells me it won't be. It's confusing. For now all I can do is wait and keep praying.

Rave- The prospect of having a child at some point is something that makes me happy. Though I don't know what my future holds I am excited about what will come of it all.

So there you have it! Whats got you happy/sad/angry/excited this week?

Sneak Peek

2009-11-16T13:01:00.004-06:00

Today I got an e-mail from our wedding photographer with a sneak peek of what's to come in a few weeks. After seeing the shot she sent, I'm even more excited to see the final results of all our photos.

What a long weekend we had. I was working my butt off the entire weekend, yet there was something rewarding about all the work. My house is now in order and clean. There is just something about having your life in order. When my house looks chaotic then my life always feel chaotic. I'm glad to have things back in order again.

Jared and I spent our entire Saturday outside in the yard. We raked the last of our leaves. 23 bags later we finished. It was quite the work out but it felt great to be out in the sun. For this time of year our temps are typically in the 50's but Saturday our high was 71. Was a beautiful day and I'm glad I got to enjoy the fresh air.

The warmth continued into Sunday, though it was a bit cooler (in the 60's) we wanted to be out again. So...we put up our outside Christmas lights. Yes it's a bit early and no we don't have them turned on. We are always gone the weekend after Thanksgiving, which is when I like to decorate so doing it early allows for us to enjoy it from the time we get home after Thanksgiving until Christmas day. Like I said before, Christmas is my favorite time of year so I want it to last as long as possible. Therefore, we took advantage of the unusually warm weather and got the lights up.

Hope everyone had an equally wonderful weekend.

Happy Hour Friday

2009-11-13T13:15:00.004-06:00

Well I decided to join in and rave about all the thing's I'm happy about today.

- Today is Friday and my day off. That in itself makes this a WONDERFUL day!

- I just paid all the bills. Why does this make me happy? Because I have a job that pays me well and allows me to pay my bills and enjoy my life. Not only that, but I have a job that I love so it makes all the weekly hard work worth it.

- Jared and I ordered new flatware last weekend and it should be delivered here today. I've never had new silverware. What we are using was a very old set of my grandmother's. While I am a little sad to stop using it because it was my grandmothers, even she would have agreed that change is good.

- I'm getting ready to clean my house. Doesn't sound like a happy thing to you? No...well I don't mind it and the end result makes me HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY! Nothing better than a clean house.

- I get to open all my new pots and pans from the wedding and start cooking with them tonight. I can't wait! I got new cookware when I first moved out on my own but it was very generic and cheap. It's all but fallen apart and we were lucky enough to get a beautiful new set of Calphalon for our wedding. I am very excited to have new things to cook with.

-Thanksgiving is growing ever closer, which means my all time favorite holiday will be right around the corner. I love Christmas! Everything about it puts me in good spirits and I am looking so forward to decorating my own house for the very first time.

Well that about sums it up for me today. What makes you happy?

Check out Otin and RxBambi to see what makes them happy as well.

The joys of being a home owner!

2009-11-11T16:09:00.012-06:00

For once I got the good end of the deal. While I stayed inside yesterday, working my lonnng 10 hour shift. Jared was off for Veteran's day. I wasn't sure if I would be thrilled about him being home all day while I work, as many times it can be a distraction, but in the end it was a wonderful day. He took care of me and cooked me meals as well as pretty much stayed out of my way. Additionally, he did the one thing I've come to hate most about being a home owner, which is RAKE the 5 million leaves in the yard.

During the summer I came to love our three large trees for the wonderful shade they provide for our tiny house. We have two sweet gums and one very huge oak tree, which is pictured below (well really just a part of the tree is seen) Anyway, the trees create lovely shade from the hot summer sun; however, once the summer ended and the leaves began to fall, I started to dispise those damn trees! Anyway, my wonderful husband spent his day off out in the yard raking leaves. I couldnt resist taking a break from work to pop out to capture some shots of his progress as well as some pictures of our little man Dudley playing in the nicely raked piles. He was having a blast!

Enjoy!

Also I decided I wanted to play around and make something funky. So this is what I got.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-11-11T07:13:00.014-06:00

Getting to know me (stolen from Goose)

2009-11-10T08:13:00.005-06:00

Well I am completely bored and have been out of things to blog about as of late but saw that Goose put this up on her blog and I thought it was interesting so I'm stealing it from her, much as she stole it from someone else. As most of you know, I'm Becki and the hubby is Jared. Here is some more useless information for you about each of us.

1. What are your middle names?
Ann and Andrew

2. How long have you been together?
Dated 6 years 7 months and have been married almost 2 months

3. How long did you know each other before you started dating?
We met in college and lived in the same dorm, about 6 suites away from one another. His suite mate became a good friend of mine and through virtue of that I started hanging out with Jared about 4 or 5 months before we started dated. We started out just doing stuff around campus together but before I knew it we were together all the time. I had such a huge crush on him but that was really nothing new for me, guys were just never interested back. But...turns out Jared was very interested back haha.

4. Who asked who out?
Well I'm not really sure one asked the other really. Jared made the first move but we had asked one another to go places before we really started dating. I was slowing trying to build up the courage to tell him how I felt, which was a painfully slow process. Apparently, he was sorta doing the same thing. Then one night after we had gone to Mardi Gras in St. Louis we were in his dorm room with a couple of friends. The friends eventually left and I stayed. I was sitting on his bed, which was about 4 feet off the ground. He was standing in front of me. We talked for awhile and before I knew it, he leaned in and kissed me. My heart was pounding out of my chest and even now when I think back to that kiss...I get butterflies in my stomach. Yeah...it was THAT good!

5. How old are each of you?
I'm 30 and he is 28

6. Did you go to the same school?
High school no. College yes

7. Are you from the same home town?
Nope. His hometown is about an hour north of where I grew up.

8. Who is the smartest?
Oh I like to think we are both smart about certain things. He is much more "book" smart than I am. While I feel like I have a step up when it comes to common sense smarts.

9. Who majored in what?
My degree is in nursing and Jared is not finished with school yet. Like alot of us, he has had a tough road but is hoping to go back and finish soon. His degree will be civil engineering.

10. Who is the most sensitive?
Oh lord I am. I cry about everything!

11. Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
San Francisco, CA

12. Who has the worst temper?
Ohh, I dunno this is hard. We are both pretty hot headed about certain things. I'd say when I get angry I am more explosive and he more shuts down and doesn't want to talk. But both nasty in different ways

13. How many children do you want?
I'd love to have 2 but really don't know if that is in the cards for us or not.

14. Who does the cooking?
98% of the time I cook. Jared likes to grill so he will do that but I enjoy it too so we flop back and forth.

15. Who is more social?
Geez I dunno. In college I would have said me. I was very outgoing and social but the older I get the more that seems to ease off. Jared is fairly social but not overly so either.

16. Who is the neat freak?
ME!!

17. Who is the most stubborn?
Jared. If he thinks he is right about something he will ride it till it dies. Sorta like beating a dead horse. Drives me nuts! I can even prove to him that he is wrong but he won't listen. Very stubborn.

18. Who wakes up earlier?
On work days, Jared. On weekends, me. He has to get up before me for work so that is really the only reason he does but on weekends the man likes to sleep and if I let him he would sleep the day away.

19. Where was your first date?
Well like I said earlier we sorta went on dates before we were dating. But if you want to be technical about it, I'd say it was at a bar in my hometown.

20. Who has the bigger family?
Me for sure.

21. Do you get flowers often?
Nope, but I love when I do get them. Usually I have to drop little hints that I might love to have some but there are times he brings them home for no reason other than to make me happy. Those are the best ones!

22. How do you spend the holidays?
Well pre-marriage we tried all sorts of things and what worked best at that time was going it alone to our own families. Since they don't live really close it was difficult to juggle the schedule to fit it all in plus we didn't really feel like we HAD to be with the other person on the holidays. Now this year, there is a new expectation since we are married. We are going to try and juggle going everywhere so I have a feeling the holidays will be a pretty big train wreck for us.

23. Who is more jealous?
Me

24. How long did it take to get serious?
Not terribly long really. We were really good friends before we started dating so I think that helped us know more what we were looking for. I just felt from the moment we started dating that I could stand by him forever. Good thing it stuck!

25. Who eats more?
Humm...we both eat too much but I'd say Jared eats more than me. Little bastard doesn't get fat from it either. Yeah he has a little belly on him but as much as he eats he should be a BIG guy.

26. What do you do for a living?
I work as a medical writer and Jared is a engineering technician

27. Who does the laundry?
We take turns...ahahaha! No really I do most of the laundry but from time to time Jared will do it. I'm just sort of picky about it so I find it easier to just do it than have him mess up my clothes.

28. Who's better with the computer?
We are both computer savvy but all in all I like to think I'm a bit better than he is. There are alot of times I've had to help him with different things.

29. Who drives when you are together?
Mostly Jared though from time to time he makes me do it haha.

30. What is your song?
Journey-"Faithfully"

What a weekend!!

2009-11-02T17:35:00.021-06:00

Phew I had one of the best weekends ever. Seems hard to top the wedding, and it didn't quite make that but it was a close second. I went to my hometown this weekend to attend the annual Halloween party I talked about in my previous post. I had no idea I was in for so much more. Friday night the hubby and I packed up and headed north. My hometown is about an hour north of where I live. We had plans made with my family to go out for a Friday night dinner. This is sort of a tradition in my family and a means for all of us to get together without much work. As we got into town, we took our dog to my parent's house to drop him off on our way to go eat. My younger brother called Jared and asks if we can stop off where he works on his way to dinner. He says he got called in to fix a problem and he can't do it alone. Naturally, we say no problem and head to the place he works, which is a city park. When we get there he meets us at the door and tells us to follow him that the heater broke and he needs both of us to help fix it. Okay, no problem. As he leads us through the botanical garden and into a hallway I see these large neon pink footprints on the floor. My brother tells me there is going to be a party in this great room later on and he needs to get the heater fixed before it begins. Once again, I say sure no biggie. As we follow the neon pink foot prints I see this 7 foot tall replica of The Pink Panther, which just happened to be my all time favorite childhood toy and cartoon. I say, "wow a pink panther party! I want to stay here!". My brother and Jared just sorta laugh at me. I round the corner into this great room and hear, "SURPRISE!!!!!" All of my family is standing there. Little did I know I got to stay for the Pink Panther party after all. It was a surprise 30th birthday party for me!

In years past I have had some not so great birthdays where I always feel sort of forgotten. Last year was no exception. My younger brother has a birthday 5 days after mine and growing up we always had a 'combined' party cause it was easier on my parents and family. Well, I always hated that, it made my day feel less special! So over the last several years, my special day has felt anything but special and I started to complain that I wanted my own special day. They listened! My younger brother's wife put this party in the works almost a year ago. Everyone knew about it and kept it quiet the whole time. I knew absolutely NOTHING about it. It was fantastic. My dad made this 7 foot tall pink panther and everything in the room was done in pink...my signature color. I guess a key piece of why I didn't ever suspect anything was because my birthday was awhile ago, Oct. 20th to be exact. 3 days after the wedding. I celebrated with Jared but nobody else. Per the usual routine, my family called that day and though I knew I would be getting birthday gifts and celebrating the birthdays this weekend; I never suspected I'd get my OWN party!

I guess 30 is a milestone age. I feel older, more adult-like now. I always thought of people in their 30's as being adult. I guess in my head I knew when I reached it I would be seen in a different light. Anyway, I had the time of my life! I can't say thanks enough for all the hard work everyone did to put on such a great event for me. Here are some pictures to show off the evening.

Now, the fun didn't end there. Saturday night was the annual Halloween party. What a blast. The only down side is that we do this outside and it was FREEZING! My costume was the board game Operation.

I thought it was pretty creative! Other costumes included an Oktoberfest girl (Goose), Hans and Frans (E and Jared) from SNL, Mr. T, Zombies, Bees, Cowboys, Cowgirls, and a Hippie among others. I love getting to see what creative ideas people come up with. Jared and I have already picked out our costumes for next years festivities. Here are some pictures from the party including our dog as Dudley Vader. Enjoy!

Halloween = Pumpkin Carving

2009-10-29T10:33:00.012-05:00

Halloween is almost here. Though I can't say it is my favorite holiday....or even a holiday for that matter. Yet I do enjoy this time of year. You all know I love fall and all the changes in store for the world and Halloween just fits right in to this season. One of my favorite things about Halloween is carving pumpkins. Jared I have dated for a long time now and have yet to cave a pumpkin together. Until this year! In years past we haven't done it for various reasons, sometimes because we had no money to buy them and other times because we were to busy. In addition, my brother and his wife throw a costume party each year for Halloween so most often we are gone and figure it is a waste. Well there is a party this year, which I am excited about as usual, but we decided to go ahead and carve one anyway and just take it with us for the party. I did the digging of the guts and some of the carving and Jared did the rest of the carving. He had a blast so I had to capture photo's of our first pumpkin carving extravaganza!

So there you have it. Our pumpkin with the cat, spider, and other pumpkin in the window. Cute eh? Okay so it's not fantastic but it was fun and that's really all that mattered to us. So like I said, we are going to a costume party. I am thrilled about it, every year we have such a blast. We have it outside around a fire and friends and family come all dressed up. We cook hot dogs and everyone brings a dish to share. Always makes for such fun to see what costumes everyone comes up with. I like to think I have a good one this year. I'm going to be the board game "Operation" complete with red nose and all the fun body parts. Jared is hooking up with Goose's fiance' to do a couple's costume. Very unique and very funny though I can't tell what it is right now. I'm sure pictures will follow next week to show off our fun time. Have a look at one of our only Halloween decorations. Its a small pumpkin with a tea light candle in it. I think the picture came out really good! You can even see the dust on the top of it! (it was in storage and i was too lazy to dust it off last night)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Learning how to shoot

2009-10-28T10:37:00.014-05:00

Like I said in my previous post. The hubby and I bought a nice camera for a wedding gift. I decided to get it out and take some shots with it. Nothing spectacular, just things around the house but I want to post them for you all to see. Give me feedback if you can!

Daisies!

My bridal bouquet

Same shot, focused on the flower instead of the berries

Add my ring in and you get this

My cats...Jerome is the black one and Basher is the tabby

Our puggle Dudley

So, what do you think? I think so far the pictures look pretty good. Can't wait to get better at it as well as have time to go out and take some pretty photos.

The best part about getting married....

2009-10-27T12:21:00.004-05:00

THE GIFTS!

Yeah, seriously....you get such nice stuff all for getting married to the person you love. I am still shocked at how much you end up with when it is all said and done. Of course it doesn't come close to what you spend on the wedding but it is fun to recoup some of the expenses and get to splurge.

Jared and I spend a good bit of our first few vacation days trying to decide what we wanted to spend the cash on. Naturally we got alot of other stuff like dishes, pots and pans, gift cards, etc. But the cash is the real fun part cause you can use it for ANYTHING. There were several things we wanted to spend the money on in terms of our house but we decided to spend the money more on ourselves than anything else. We bought two BIG items and the money is pretty well gone. But I'm excited about both of them. The first purchase was a piece of furniture for our living room. ALL the furniture we own is stuff that has been given to us, stuff we found, or stuff family sold to us for basically nothing. Jared and I really wanted two of those big seat and a half recliners. We both really love the size of them and decided that would be a nice thing to spend some money on. Well, they aren't all that easy to find and for the most part are very expensive. Lucky for us we found this.

It's basically two seat and a half recliners connected by a console. I am in LOVE with it! So wonderful to sit in comfort and watch movies and TV. AND it didn't totally blow all of our money. We almost didn't get it into the house though! Actually, we ended up messing up a little bit of the leather on the console because it was such a tight squeeze through the front door, but who cares really. It's in and we love it.

The other thing we got, which I cannot wait to start using is a camera. We got a Canon XS digital SLR. I have always had an interest in photography but don't know anything about it. Jared and I figured what a good thing to buy to start capturing our lives from here on out. Thus far we haven't used it much but I am going to a Halloween party this weekend and can't wait to start to play with it. This is what it looks like.

Yup, so I'm excited. We were able to get an additional lens for the camera as well so I hope to start learning to take some beautiful pictures. One thing I like is that there are automatic functions of the camera so until I get better with all the settings I can use the auto features and should still get some really good quality shots. I thought this would be fun to have for my blog as well. I love seeing all the beautiful pictures on so many blogger pages so I'm thrilled to have the opportunity to shoot my own pretty shots. And FYI, the picture of the chairs is not from the camera, it's an iphone pic...thus the crappy quality.

THE BIG DAY

2009-10-26T09:24:00.017-05:00

Well I figured it was time to update the blog. The big wedding day was over a week ago but I want to re-cap some of my most favorite things of the day. I made a vow last week to stay off the computer during my vacation since so much of the rest of my life is spent sitting in front of it.

Anyway, the wedding went off without a hitch. I still cannot believe how perfect the day turned out. During the planning it is so hard to tell if everything will come together in the end or not. I felt like I was flying by the seat of my pants until things started falling into order.

I met my lovely bridesmaids early in the morning for coffee and bagels. I was getting so nervous but the time with them helped put my soul at ease. We headed to the salon where one by one we got our hair beautiful...okay well not all of us. My sister-in-law has a short inverted bob cut (if you know who Kate from John and Kate plus 8 is then you know the hairstyle I speak of). Anyway, the stylist decided to curl the longer sections of hair and pulled the middle of the top up. She seriously looked like Ben Franklin...it was horrific! Luckily my stylist agreed to fix what this other woman had totally destroyed and she ended up looking fantastic.

From the salon I headed to pick up my lovely dress and then went to the church. We completed most of our pictures before the wedding so we had to be there quite early to get things moving. The girls one by one started getting dressed in the beautiful dresses they had chosen.

Then it was my turn. I FINALLY felt like a bride. My dress was so beautiful and for the first day of my entire life I actually FELT beautiful. I wish I could recapture that feeling and have it again and again and again. It was magical to feel like that. After dressing, my photographer set up what is still one of my favorite parts of the day. She placed my groom in the sanctuary of the church all alone with his back to the door. I walked in from behind him so he could have the first look at me. What a special moment it was! He turned around and had the biggest smile I ever remember seeing on his face. His eyes glowed with pure joy and he said, "wow". I will NEVER forget how I felt in that moment. Never forget how he smelled, how I wasn't aware of the photographers or anything else but him. I just loved having that time for him to take it all in and time for me to enjoy his excitement. We took a few minutes alone to talk and for him to look over my beautiful gown.

The photo's went off without a hitch. I can't wait to see them all. After we finished most of our photographs I had about an hour before the ceremony started. I retreated to the dressing room with my bridesmaids to wait for everyone to come and be seated. This is when my nerves REALLY kicked into high gear. The hour went quickly thank goodness and before I knew it I was being called to come meet up with my Dad. I got to the end of a long hallway where he was standing and I nearly started to cry. It hit me very fast that I was about to get married. My father grabbed my hand and told me I couldn't cry. He made me laugh and I composed myself. From where we stood behind two closed doors I couldn't tell much of what was going on. There was a small crack in the door so my Dad looked and told me what was going on. I was so thankful for that little crack. Eventually my father walked to me, grabbed my arm and we headed through the door. I knew it was time. I heard my music start, Canon in D. Such a beautiful song! We waited and then began the long walk to my future husband. I took time to look around at the friends and family looking back at me but then my eyes fixed on Jerry. I could tell he was nervous but his eyes were so alive and bright. I smiled at him and he smiled back. I never stopped looking at him.

The ceremony was very special. An old minister from Jerry's childhood was kind enough to fill in as our current pastor had to be out of town. He did such a wonderful job for us and I am really greatful for the personal touches he added. One of my matron's of honor put a slide show together of family pictures starting with baby pictures and ending with recent pictures of Jerry and I. It added such a special touch for the ceremony and I heard nothing but wonderful compliments from my family. I can't stress enough how beautiful everything was. It was exactly what I wanted my wedding day to be. It ended up being worth every ounce of stress I had gone through.

After the ceremony, Jerry and I finished family photo's and packed up to go to the reception. I had the best night ever. The food was terrific and the decorations amazing. We ate, drank, danced, laughed...had the best time. My friends and family are so special and amazing, they really made our wedding what it was.

Here are some photo's I stole from friends/family. When I get the professional prints I'm sure I'll post them too but for now here is a glimpse. Goose also posted some on her blog so check it out.

Me and the hubby and our first dance

My beautiful dress

My amazing and gorgeous husband

Dancing with Goose!

Our beautiful flowers

The cake, the cake cutting, and the end result of the cake madness

The amazing centerpieces done by our florist

The happy couple

And on a side note. I've decided since I've posted all these adorable pictures of us, I can no longer see using "fake" names. You all might as well know my real name as this blog is about my real life. Bamboo is the pet name that my now husband uses for me. My real name is Becki...not Becky or Beckie, but B-E-C-K-I. Unique, yes but that's why I love it. Jerry is not Jerry as I said from the start. Jerry is a name I call him from an inside joke, which started with an old neighbor. Jerry is Jared. Becki and Jared. There you have it!

The last days

2009-10-14T11:14:00.008-05:00

I am blogging today as I realize the next few days will be quite hectic and I figure I am unlikely to have time to post. If I do, oh well...consider it a bonus! Hopefully there will be no more ranting about the wedding as my attitude changed and I have promised myself not to let anymore of the small details drag me down.

This is my last day of work for the week. As of 6pm tonight I will be on an 11 day off stretch of vacation. Do you know what that means? Yup, I'm getting married soon! Through all the ups and downs of this ordeal I can honestly say I am really really happy about this major event. We had some tough spots, and times where I wasn't sure if I would make it through. Looking back from this moment all I can say is it all happened for a reason. Perhaps this will allow Jerry and I to appreciate this day more than we would have otherwise. The final plans are in place and we are ever so slowly creeping forward to that moment every girl dreams of.

This Saturday, with my father by my side, I will walk down the isle and marry the man I love more than I can ever explain. He is not perfect, neither am I, yet I think we can really make this love last forever with a little bit of patience and work over the years to come.

Last night Jerry and I cuddled up in our big bed and talked about what was going to happen this weekend. I can hear the excitement in his voice and it makes me happy. I speak of how much I can't wait to see all these plans put together, to finally see the vision I've held in my head this last year come to life. Then I ask what he looks forward to the most? His response, "getting to see you". My heart swells with joy and love!

Everything feels so right in these last days. It may not end up being the exact wedding I've always wanted but I do think in the end it will still be a beautiful day, which will reflect my style and our love. I feel really blessed to have some wonderful people to share this with. Goose has been my best friend since we were in high school. What is that...14 years! Wow, yup now I feel old. Anyway, she along with two awesome sisters-in-law, and two nieces get to stand by me as I speak my vows to Jerry. There is nothing quite like the feeling of having 100% support from those special people in your life. Though the MIL and I do not really get along, I feel good knowing there will be people there who want to see us happy.

Once the ceremony is over there will be eating, drinking, dancing, laughing, etc. I hope it makes for one wonderful party. I look forward to the "fun" stuff at the reception. Dancing with my new husband for the first time. Watching friends and family enjoy the night. I do plan on posting pictures on my blog of the event and have given Goose approval to do the same, so over the next week check back and I'll try to get things up as quickly as possible.

At this point my one major concern is the weather. Fall hit pretty quickly here, as you may remember from my previous post. This week we have had a good bit of rain and the temps are cool. I pray for the rain to stop but I'm sure the lower temps will be with us. The outdoor photo's might not be alot of fun, but since they are what I want most...I guess we will all just have to suck it up and get through it. At least there will be warmth to get back into once we are done.

So that's it...the last days are here! For those of you out there in blogger world who are or have been married. I'd love to hear any last words of advice you can pass along. Good, bad, ugly...I'm happy to hear them all!

If I were to die...?

2009-10-13T08:00:00.004-05:00

Last night Jerry and I were out and about doing some grocery shopping, which by the way is the one chore I hate more than any other. Such a production to make a list, drive to the store, sort through all the isles, pick out each individual thing, read labels, see new items and decide you want to try, go check out, wait in line, take everything out of the cart and put it onto the conveyor and realize your cart is now full of more things that weren't on your list than were on there, put all this new junk back into your cart, move to the bagging line, place each item into 8 bazillion bags, put them BACK into the cart again, get them into your car, drive home, deal with getting them all back out and finally trying to find a place to fit all of it in your fridge. Phew yes that was a long run-on sentence but you get the point. I HATE this production. I would rather deal with eating out, crappy food, than to have to go to the store. Thank God Jerry doesn't mind doing this job on his own most of the time. But, I digress.

Anyway, while on our way home we started talking about loving one another for eternity. Did you read that right ETERNITY! Number one, is this even possible? Number two, lets suppose it is possible. What happens when one of us dies? I mean, people lose spouses all the time and some younger than others. I always hear people encourage the person left in this world to carry on, move on, love another, remarry, etc and usually they say, "your dead spouse would 'want' you to move on and love again". How do you KNOW that's what the wishes of the dead would be? I mean, is this a conversation we should have with our loved ones? If I die please re-marry or if I die I would no longer love you if you did re-marry? How does that work really? Yes this is a totally random thought but Jerry was quite intrigued with it. In fact, its a conversation he says we "need" to have.

What are your thoughts on this? I mean say I died tomorrow, I wouldn't want him to feel like he has to spent the REST of his life mourning me and I would want him to move on and enjoy life without me. But what about a situation where we have been married for 40 years? I would be 70 years old. At that point I dunno. I suppose plenty of 70 year old people still have alot of life left, yet I can't imagine even wanting to be with anyone else when I just spent the last 40 years with the one I love. So any thoughts on this?

Reality TV....you dig?

2009-10-12T16:11:00.003-05:00

Since I work from home, one big perk of my day is that during my lunch time I can sit and watch pretty much whatever TV I choose. And I am here to admit I am a HUGE reality TV whore! It is my main guilty pleasure. For the most part Jerry thinks I'm totally bonkers for this fixation I have with reality shows; however, as time goes on I am finding him more and more involved with the previously "stupid" shows. Some of my favorites are the ones you find on MTV/VH1 (Rock of Love, I love New York, I love Antonio, Real Chance of Love, etc). I also like good prime time reality TV too (Biggest Loser, Survivor, etc.) They are always filled with drama, competition, and insanity and I just love it. I get so into these shows I will yell at the television and ponder on the story line even when I'm not watching it.

I'm interested to know if anyone else has this same love? Who thinks I'm completely insane? What TV do you watch? Reality TV....that's me!

The rain can't hold me down.

2009-10-12T08:05:00.008-05:00

Good Monday morning everyone. We are having another rainy day; however, I feel like I need to rave about my lovely weekend. As most of you know I work a 4 day work week so Fridays are a bonus day off for me. This Friday I had the run-through for my wedding hair. I also got my eyebrows waxed and new highlights. I spent a good portion of my afternoon at the salon and lucky for me, I just adore my stylist. She is young and fun and we have so much to talk about so it was basically an afternoon chatting with girls. Other stylists at the salon were asking about the wedding and my stylist just got engaged so we were talking about her plans. Just an all together fun day.

Once I was finished, I drove home to show Jerry my new color (he loves me as a blond and I had brighter color added) and of course my hair was all styled with my pretty tiara and lots of curls for the wedding. I swear he fell in love all over again. I've spent the last year growing my hair out as that was his request for the wedding. He loves my hair longer so I figured that was the least I could do. I sorta missed having the longer hair too since I had spent the previous year or two with REALLY short hair. I walked in the door and he was playing pool and just stopped dead in his shot and his eyes glowed. I don't remember feeling that good about myself since college! A slow smile came to his face.. He walked toward me, scooped me into his arms and proclaimed how beautiful I looked. I felt amazing and didn't want that moment to end. I hope he will be doubly amazed at how I look on Saturday in my big beautiful dress. I can't wait to watch his eyes when he looks at me that day.

Another awesome and relaxing weekend was had. We had alot to get done this weekend, all those last minute wedding details, but we did them together and enjoyed this last weekend together before the rush of the big day. I really needed it and apparently so did he. I can't really tell you the last time we were both this relaxed and happy. I guess it is a good reminder as to why we are going through all the nonsense. Sadly the weekend ended and we are back at work; however, we are only 5 short days away from the big event! Even better is I am 3 short days away from 11 days of VACATION!

I think these last couple of weekends have helped me get very excited. I can't hardly sit still cause my mind races and wonders what will come of Saturday. I lay down and night and pray for it to be the best day of my life. I pray that everything I hope to get out of the day will be and hope that nothing stands in our way. I know it cannot be perfect. Something will more than likely go wrong and I am prepared for that. I just ask God for the grace to get through it and take it in stride. I am as ready as I can possibly be for this day and feeling very blessed to have someone to give my life and love to.

Feed your soul

2009-10-08T09:00:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I stumbled onto a blog, which caught my attention in a big way. Click here to view This is the blog of a woman, Stephanie, who went through a very traumatic life event last year. She was in a plane crash along with her husband. They survived the crash, but the pilot did not. Both ended up badly burned. Stephanie spent 3 months in a coma while the burns on 80% of her body were treated. Then came the long road of therapy, surgeries, recovery, etc.

I can't help but find them inspirational. Reading her blog reminded me just how much I take for granted every day. I think it is very easy to forget how fragile we are in this world and how one day can change our lives forever. This woman no longer looks like she once did, neither does her husband, yet their life is full and bright. I just find their spirit amazing.

Jerry's father was badly burned back in 1998. He was helping start Jerry's very old car at the time. Jerry's brother was helping as Jerry was out running around with friends. The car backfired and blew up in his face. He suffered burns on his face, neck, chest and arms. This was
a long before I knew any of them but his story has touched me as well. The scars are still there and though I don't notice them as much anymore from time to time I do and am reminded of the suffering it caused not only for him but for the entire family. Jerry has talked to me several times about this ordeal and how painful it was to watch someone so close to him suffer so deeply. He thought he was going to lose his dad in those first days, but he felt like at times watching him suffer was worse than if they had lost him. Looking back now, I know Jerry is thankful his Dad did what he needed to do to survive. It makes me think...and I really think you must be in touch with an inner spirituality to find strength to make it through these situations. My own spirituality is something I am still discovering and stories like these really make me step back and ponder for awhile.

After reading her story and thinking about Jerry's father's I feel very blessed with what I have. I wonder if I could survive an ordeal like theirs or if I would find it easier to let go. I suppose this is something you wouldn't find out until that moment but I like to think if I feed my spirit enough everyday, that I could get through anything. Any thoughts?

The things I love about fall.

2009-10-06T17:40:00.005-05:00

I am completely in love with this time of year. Something in the air changes and it's soothing to my soul. I am not a huge fan of summer; however, I do enjoy the outdoor things, which come with the season. The heat; however, is not for me. If I get overly hot, I get overly sick. This just makes for one miserable Bamboo and I become a really big bitch! So, fall's arrival is always the end of several month's of misery. So, I decided to pull some photo's of the things I really love about this time of year.

The obvious one...leaves. I love the colors, watching them change from green to yellow to red to brown. Such a beautiful sight. This is my first fall in my house. We have three very large trees. An oak and two sweet gums. Though I know I will HATE the raking we will be forced to do, I am completely in love with watching them change. The sweet gums are mostly green still but the tips fade to yellow and bright red at the very top. I am anxious to watch it progress down the tree as well as watch all the leaves fall to the ground.

The next thing I love is the good carmel apples you can find everywhere. We have a local custard place, which makes THE BEST carmel apples. They cover them in pecans...what could be bad about that?

Another of my favorite fall things is the Starbucks carmel apple spice drink. OMG, it's like this burst of comfort in your mouth. I am not a regular at Starbucks, but for fall...they tend to get more of my money. If you have not already tried this, I highly recommend you give in on a cool day.

Does anyone else notice how the air changes? You can almost smell the snow on it's way. Well maybe that doesn't work for people who don't get snow, but I always just get the sense that winter will be coming by soon. I love the snow, and the cooler temps. Not a huge fan of the super bitter days, but luckily we don't get a whole heck of alot of them where I live.

One final thing that might very well be my most favorite thing about the fall. BONFIRES! How can you go wrong with sitting around a cozy fire with family and friends, talking, laughing, eating, drinking. I look forward to it all year round and now that I am in my own home, I hope the fall doesn't get away before Jerry and I can have our own fire with friends and family.

There you have it, fall is my season. My only wish is that it would last longer. What's your season and why?

Random Tuesday Thoughts

2009-10-06T08:47:00.005-05:00

I thought I would jump aboard today and put some random thoughts out of my own.

- What is it with rain? I love the smell of it and always think it smells so clean. But, how does it smell so good when it's really just making all the day to day stuff outside wet? Makes me think the air should smell clean all the time so I can't help but wonder why it only smells good when rain falls.

- Why does time seem to go by very slowly but then when you stop and look back it seems like it flies? Like, I've been thinking the time has gone so slow since Jerry's birthday as mine is 2 month's after his. These 2 months have felt like forever but then I think...wait, my birthday is almost here and it seems like I just had one.

- Why can't places keep track of information? I booked a room for Goose's wedding at least 11 months ago and it turns out they don't have my booking. Thank God she looked at the list because I wouldn't have thought to double check it myself.

- What's up with slow drivers? Is there a point to driving BELOW the speed limit? It can't possibly be for safety, I mean...come on, if you are going slow I'm more likely to run into you than if you would just drive the same speed as the rest of the world! I don't zoom around people and drive super fast but AT LEAST keep up with the flow of traffic and save me from cursing you out for your ignorance. Also, to the old lady I was behind yesterday evening...since you can't see over the steering wheel and are drive a car bigger than the state of Texas, perhaps you should consider staying at home. If you must venture out, please TRY to understand there are other drivers on the road. I realize you cannot see me as you are 5 inches below the top of your dash but making a left turn and nearly smashing into my beautiful Jeep really pisses me off!

- Kids are funny. We live 3 houses down from a community park where kids play all year round. I sit and watch them walk by everyday after school and pretty much all evening. Some of them just mind what they are doing and go to the park and right back home. Other's are in big groups and just all in all up to no good. Jerry and I were sitting watching them over the weekend. This group of kids walks by and rips a handful of leaves off our tree. He sorta acted like it was the most tough thing he could have done. Jerry and I laughed. One of the kids sees us sitting inside watching them so he goes, "oh crap they saw you...RUN!!!". Off the group goes. I was cracking up! They made like we were going to run out our front door after them. I just sat pondering what makes kids tick and why they do such silly stuff.

Anyway, these are just a few random things running through my head today. Got anything on your mind?

5 simple words

2009-10-05T13:50:00.003-05:00

This is something I saw on Goose's blog. She pulled it from Little Ms. Blogger who I had not read until today, but have found I rather enjoy. This gives me a great distraction from my normal ranting.

Ms. B was given 5 words from another blogger and she did a post about the words she was given (which I've linked to above). She then offered to give 5 words to someone else. Goose thought it would be fun (which I've also linked to above), so now I'm going to post on the five words she gave me. If you want to join in, tell me in the comments and I'll send you your own five words!

Love- What can I say about love. It's complicated, fun, scary, up, down, simple....all at once. I am in love. My fiance' turned my whole life upside down from the moment we first met. I'm getting married to him in 11 days. The wedding might not be what I want, but I do love him. But I love beyond him. I love my family, though they can piss me off from time to time...in the end they are there for me no mater what messes I get myself into. I LOVE that. I love fall. This is my favorite time of year. The colors changing, the smells changing, the air getting cooler. Nothing about fall makes me sad. I love my pets. I have two cats and a dog. Since dog is one of my words I won't talk much about him here aside to say that I love him. My cats make me smile every day. My oldest, Jerome, is so loving and in tune with my feelings. If I have a bad day, he knows...and puts in the extra time to let me knows he cares. Sounds weird from a cat but he does. My younger cat, Bash, was not much a fan of me for a long time. He is Jerry's boy but recently he has done a flip. He is more loving with me and I love that!

Dogs- Like I said, I have a dog (Dudley). He is a puggle, which for those non-dog knowing people out there is a part pug part beagle mix. Completely adorable. He is about 30 lbs, short, a fawn brown color with black nose and mouth. He has a wrinkly forehead with a big curly tail and floppy ears. He is over a year old now but when we are out I always get stopped and asked about my "puppy". I guess you could say he has a little puppy face and doesn't quite seem like an adult. All in all, Dud has added more love to my life that I even knew how. I had wanted a dog when I was a kid but my parents wouldn't have it. Neither of them were big on pets, though we did eventually have a cat. Jerry and I adopted Dud last summer, he was a puppy and a total handful. Lucky for me, I work at home and was able to spend alot of time with him. He is not a perfectly trained dog but Goose, being a trainer, helped us with the process. I am pretty content with his behavior and he minds me pretty well, though he has times where he just wants to be a rebel...meh, don't we all! I'll never have a puppy again though. I think I'm a one woman dog, though I might feel different later in life once Dud is gone. I can't imagine doing the potty training all over again though. Yuck that sucks! Dogs seriously LOVE you, no matter what. They just want to be with you and cuddle with you and play with you and when you leave and come back they let you know just how much they missed you while you were gone. I have become so in love with the smell of dogs and the way Dudley wags his tail so hard when he is happy you can hear it thump on his sides. When I've been gone an come home he wags his butt back and forth when he sees me out of pure joy and excitement. NOTHING on earth compares to the love from a dog and I feel really blessed to have had the chance to give him a good home.

Cooking - I love to cook. Don't do it as much now as I once did but when I do it's something that really reminds me of where I came from. My mother is a great cook as was her mother as is my Dad's mother. I started learning to cook when I was young. It was just normal for me to spend my time helping my mom put meals on the table and help her multi-task. I look back and am no so extremely thankful for that time. She passed on so much knowledge about food, not as much about nutrition as I would have liked but I can cook some mean meals. Most of what I make involves no recipe, which drives Jerry and the future MIL nuts. Jerry can't really reproduce the things I make without me by his side and his mom can't stand that I make things he really loves but she doesn't know how to make. Guess that is one little place I get the upper hand. When Jerry and I are really busy we tend to eat out alot, which neither of us really enjoys. But it's very easy to do when you are pressed for time. Some of my favorite meals I make are chicken and dumplings, chicken Parmesan, fontina chicken...wow that's alot of chicken. But I also love to make enchiladas, taco, chili, steak, crab, soup....the list goes on and on. Yup, cooking is a part of who I am and I wouldn't trade that.

Laughter- My would could not go on without laughter. It feels so good to laugh so hard you cry, or so hard it makes it hard to breathe, or so hard your sides hurt. For me, a good laugh can take away so much bad. Jerry makes me laugh. He has a youthful spirit, which I hope he never loses and we have MANY inside jokes, which can set either of us off into a fit of laughter by only saying a few words. Seriously, where would we be without the feelings that come along with laughter? It is the best medicine! (okay that was cheesy...but yeah its good stuff)

Clothes- Well this is a tough topic for me. I love and HATE clothes. I love when I find stuff that fits comfortably, but hate the process I have to go through to find it. I am a plus sized woman at the upper end of the plus sized stores. I love that some stores carry trendy stuff to fit but come on, some things are just not meant for us big girls. Overall, I am a jean an t-shirt kind of gal. That is what I am most comfortable in, but over the last several years I've tried to branch out to wear more stylish shirts, which fit a bit different than a dumpy t. Since I work at home, most days you will find me in some baggy comfy shorts or pants, with a tank top, t-shirt, or hoodie depending on the time of year. Those are my favorite clothes. They are loose and relaxed. But when I go out at night or on weekends, most often I'll be in capri's or jeans with various different shirts. I love what I call boobie shirts. You know, the ones that accentuate your assets. ALL men like boobies, so might as well remind people that big girls have them too. Though, in terms of big women, I consider myself part of the IBTC (itty bitty titty committee) as I'm only a D to DD. Some of you are going D to DD that's BIG, but on my frame they don't seem very big at all. Alot of women my size are like F and G and whatever else big cup sizes they make. I guess that makes me sound like I don't like my boobies, but really...I love them. I think they are the perfect size for me. Big enough to be noticed but small enough to stay out of my way! I digress... Clothes are necessary but when I find those certain pieces that are cute and look right, they can be such a self-esteem boost. I just wish there were more stores that would offer plus sized options. There are so few really, at least for my size. I have three main stores I shop but would LOVE to be able to branch out. Guess that means I need to get back on the diet track and focus.

Build it up and watch it fall.

2009-10-05T08:19:00.003-05:00

Why in the hell is my life so up and down? It's this roller coaster of amazing times and absolute crap. I spent one wonderful Saturday with Jerry. We talked, we laughed, we lived, we loved. Sounds a bit silly when you say it like that, but really...my heart was full. I remembered exactly why this man is WHO I want to spend my life with. I am completely myself 100% at ease with him. Even despite the hurts I went through last week, Saturday was a day I completely forgot about all of it and saw that I can move on and be happy.

Then, Saturday night...the MIL stuck her nose into our world. The whole ordeal with her is completely ridiculous and I've just had my fill of it all. She sidelined me a few weeks back asking to, and I quote, "place little favor bags on the tables for each place setting". I agreed to let this fly even though I was not excited about it from the start. I told her that I was not a fan of wedding favors, which is why Jerry and I decided to save that money and spend it elsewhere. Well, turns out these LITTLE bags are BIGGER than my table centerpieces. They basically look like a brown paper lunch sack...only they are black paper instead of brown. EXTREMELY tacky and HUGE! On top of this, the MIL tells us that she has purchased glass photo coasters for favor gifts. This was something she never asked us about. Jerry was livid and as you all can imagine, so was I. He says, "she won't be having any of this stuff on our tables. it is tacky and inappropriate and I'm not having it". Guess what happened next....

A) Jerry tells his mom to take the favors and shove them up her ass.
B) Jerry let her have them.

Well if you guessed B then you are right on the money with how this whole thing works out. He tells her he doesn't want them, but because this woman is such an awesome person, erm I mean total bitch...she yells at him. He says well fine you can just have them in a basket or box for people to pick up. How is this going to be ANY different? The point was to NOT have them so the extremely tacky bags were not scattered all over tables full of our very expensive flower arrangements, taking up space and looking ridiculous.

I'm completely pissed and fed up. Not only with her but him as well. Why is this man so afraid of his mother? They both need for him to take charge and define their roles. He is NOT a baby and should be treated with respect. Even if she does not agree on what he wants...it's HIS wedding and she should respect the decisions he makes. I just don't know where to go from here. We are talking about calling the whole thing off and just running off to get married somewhere. It's been an awful ride and extremely taxing on our relationship. I want my life to be like Saturday, where we can just be us. We didn't talk about the wedding, didn't worry about anything but what WE wanted to do for the day. There was so much peace and comfort in that freedom. I suppose at this point I have to suffer through the day and remind myself I'm doing it for him and because it's too much money to give away and get nothing back from. Yet, that seems wrong. Maybe I'm just not supposed to win on this...maybe I should just take a back seat and deal with how things play out. All I really know is that I do NOT like the MIL. She is a nothing but a bitch who I would love to tell off and dis-invite to this wedding.

Another day of moving forward and forgetting the past

2009-10-01T09:19:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling a bit better today. The road seems less congested and I can actually see a light ahead. The longer the whole ordeal sits with me, I see it is MY issue more than his. Jerry and I have had some of the most profound, heart felt, and deep conversations in the last two days, which have opened my eyes not only to the fact that I've let this bother me more than I should have but also as to remind me why I fell in love with him to begin with.

Early this week I really wasn't sure WHY I wanted to get married, but after my last conversation with Jerry I see that my heart was in the right place. I really don't think I wanted to get married for the wrong reasons...I do love him and I do want to spend my life with him. It was never because of convenience or because I'm getting older and just felt the need to settle. I really truly love him. Listening to him talk and open up over the previous days reminds me that inside this man is someone who has deep feelings, and although it is hard for him to open and share them, he really does love me and it wasn't his intention to hurt me. Together I believe we CAN go a long way, but this new found communication must continue so that we can be open and honest into our future. I know I have problems...how could I not? My world was turned upside down a long time ago and I'm only now figuring out how to deal with all that. It's a process, but one that is not Jerry's fault. I must learn to tell the difference between my own hurts and the other hurts I might feel in this life.

All that being said, I am still uneasy about what has happened between Jerry and myself. Still feel like more can be said and done to right the wrong and Jerry agrees. He is trying really hard to remind me that he loves me. Even tells me he 100% wants to marry me because he wants to spend his life by my side. I had a dream last night I was on a beach walking hand in hand with him, though looking down at our hands...they weren't our hands...they were much older and worn from use during a long life. I never saw his face in the dream; I didn't need to. It was him and we had made it through together. Even though it was only a dream I woke with a good feeling and hope for the future.

Hard Times

2009-09-30T14:31:00.005-05:00

I haven't posted in awhile. Seems like my life is quite the train wreck right now. I'm doing my best to sort through and figure some things out, but everything is right on the brink of total destruction. I had my bachelorette party last weekend. Wasn't the exciting drunken affair that a lot of people do. I was not much in a bar mood so my girlfriends came and we went to get pedicures and had dinner and chilled with drinks at my house. We talked and laughed and relaxed and it was just exactly what I needed and wanted.

Jerry on the other hand, had a wild and crazy bachelor party the same night. I told him I was okay with him doing whatever he wanted but it was pretty much the biggest mistake I've made in a while. He and the boys ended their drunken night at the strip club and turns out that completely broke my heart. I know Jerry has been in the past, before we dated, and I was okay with that. So much so that I figured I could handle him going again but no...I'm a mess. There have been several events in my life over the previous weeks, in which Jerry has treated me with very little respect. The accumulation of all these things completely destroyed my faith in him as my future husband.

I have been in tears for days, going back and forth between I want to go forward and I want to call off the wedding. From reading most of my posts, many of you can figure out that this wedding isn't really what I dreamed of. That aside, its more about looking at the marriage verses the wedding. I was destroyed over the recent events and last night Jerry and I sought counseling from someone we trust. Tough questions were asked and answered and no decision was made on how to proceed. We are going to keep talking through the end of the week, spend the weekend together, and try to get back to the roots of why we are together. Monday will come and we will return to our counselor to decide together if we are both 100% set to be wed.

Yesterday, I did a good bit of thinking. I tried to look introspectively at myself and how my past affects the situation I'm currently in. I have had a rough road to travel, from a very young age. I was molested when I was about 4 or 5 and molested and raped when I was a bit older. It was a violent cycle complete with physical abuse during the second round of assaults. I was scared, alone, and quiet. I never told a soul of the abuse until I was much older. In high school I revealed some of my past to close friends but never my family. It haunted me each and every day. As I got finished with college and started to take on the real world I had a complete meltdown. I was depressed and anxious and had difficulty with normal day to day life. I finally tried to take a bunch of pills and wanted to die but Jerry and Goose were there to help. They spent one miserable night in the ER with me. I had my stomach pumped and was made to take charcoal, which is the least fun I've ever experienced. The next two days I spent in the psychiatric ward of a local hospital. Rock bottom you might say. Even then, I did not reveal my past. To top all this off, my father wasn't much of a role model. He had an affair on my mother and left when I was in high school to live with another woman. Two years later, he came back...but didn't really come back. He is still married to my mother but doesn't really have a married relationship with her. They basically live in separate sections of their home and do their best to co-exist. What either of them gets out of the relationship, I've yet to figure out. All I know is his infidelity messed me up even more.

Two years ago last summer I decided to open the book. I told my family and my friends and got counseling. I can sit here today and say I am not the same person. I relived the pain of the abuse and worked my way through each horrible memory. I have grown...no not just grown as a woman, I grew up into a woman. Until this week I thought my treatment was complete...that I was okay and was comfortable with Jerry, now I see that I am not. I tried to feel normal and wanted to believe despite all my past, I could trust Jerry 100%. I told Jerry it was okay to go to the club...only to find out mentally I am still the scared little girl who gets hurt so easily. I am feeling pain I didn't realize was still inside. As I talk with my friends, family, and counselor I am learning this pain is more about me, than about him. I have to figure out how to let it go, figure out how to not be insecure about this.

It is a tough reality for me. An awakening of sorts. Why is it we can feel so normal, yet have so much hidden inside? Ultimately the decision to move forward with the marriage and wedding lays in my hands. It is a lot of pressure and I feel bad asking Jerry to go through more hard times with me as I realize I really need additional counseling and treatment for my inner demons. But then again Jerry isn't perfect either. I think we both have a lot we can learn, even from each other....if he would just open up his real feelings to me a bit more. Now yes, I realize...Jerry is a "man". But if we are going to make this thing called marriage last, its going to take devotion and work from both ends. Ugh, I'm just so distraught and sad, yet I really don't want to feel like that. I want to forgive and forget, but I just don't quite know how to let go of all the little hurts I feel. I do love him...that is one thing I know. He makes me happy most of the time....but it's the "most", which scares me. Where do I go from here.....?

My mother is the best!

2009-09-21T12:49:00.002-05:00

I just have to share with my blogger friends how awesome my mother is. This past Sunday was my bridal shower, which was a very awesome party. Everyone, including the MIL and myself were on good behavior and it was a very pleasant afternoon. I got showered with tons of gifts, which seems weird to me but I'm happy to accept them none-the-less. But there is one gift that means more than all the rest. My parents were not supposed to give me anything for the wedding, as they helped me and Jerry at the beginning of the year with part of our house down payment. Apparently my mother decided I needed a keepsake of this major event in my life and she put some major thought into what to get me. What she created was not only beautiful but very special. She bought me a Brighton brand bracelet. It has lots of beads/charms on it, which she individually chose. There are pink, green, and orange charms to represent the colors of our wedding. There are charms with lots of bling to represent my love of bling and shiny things. There is a charm with daisies on it for those are the flowers we are using and then there is one with hearts on it to represent mine and Jerry's love. It's just super beautiful and was so thoughtful. I already really cherish it, and am even wearing it while I sit in my PJ's! She is really a one of a kind woman and I am SUPER blessed to get to call her my Mom. So here is a shout out to the best woman I know. I love you Momma!!

Tell me more...

2009-09-17T10:14:00.002-05:00

I think today is going to be a tell me more Thursday. I haven't shared alot about myself to this point but figured I might as well add in some more personal info. I am a nurse, though I don't feel like one as I have been out of direct patient care for nearly two years now. Two years has not been long enough for me to forget the reasons why I ran away from it. Nurses work hard. It's a physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually draining profession. Not that it is not rewarding, it is. Nothing beats having people tell you what a wonderful job you do and how much they appreciate your craft...and of course when you really do something that makes a difference to people, it can't help but touch your soul. I do miss those rewards. Miss the patient contact. I don't miss the politics in the job or the constant lack of support from co-workers. Nursing is a field where you MUST be independent and learn to adapt quickly. I had a very rough start to my career, which sadly wasn't that long ago. I graduated at the end of 2003, and passed nursing boards in early 2004.

I took my first job straight out of school, and started as a "graduate nurse" on a very busy telemetry floor. Telemetry is basically a cardiac unit. The heart has always intrigued and interested me and I loved learning how to monitor and treat heart problems. It was fast paced and scary. To this day, I am glad that I learn quick because I wouldn't have survived as long as I did otherwise. I worked this telemetry job for 7 months before becoming so exhausted and burned out that I had to step away. What caused this exhaustion you might ask? Typically, as a graduate nurse, you work side by side with an experienced RN. Their job is to slowly integrate you into the real world of nursing, starting off small and gradually building you up until you are comfortable and efficient at handling a full patient load. See, during the time you are a graduate nurse, nursing boards or the NCLEX, are ever looming in your mind. You work full time and study full time to prepare for the exam. Needless to say, it is a very stressful time in the life of a nurse.

I began this job in January of 2004 and I met my preceptor RN during a gathering of graduate nurses. At that time I felt like I was in good hands; however, my first day of work painted a VERY different picture. This RN showed me the floor, where things were located, how to work different equipment...things I had never used during my time in school. Then.....she gave me a FULL load of patients and left me alone to fend for myself. There is an old saying in nursing, which is, "Nurses eat their young". Yes, yes they do! I was scared and alone! I tried my best to organize and prioritize. I was passing meds, pushing IV drugs, hanging blood...the works; all before I was even legally allowed to do it. At the end of each shift my preceptor would pull my charts and sign off on all the work I had done, never bothering to check it for mistakes. I was a nervous wreck. Many of my friends from nursing school also worked at this same facility. They were all in different units of the hospital but at lunch I would sit and listen to each of them rave over how awesome their "training" was going. I felt lost and sad and scared and had no clue how to handle the situation.

This was me on a daily basis....

Yea, it sucked but I kept going. I learned how to fly when I barely had wings. It was tough, but I managed for awhile. Over time, things became more difficult for me. The stress was making me anxious and depressed and I was physically sick from it. Enough was enough and I finally spoke up. I went to my boss and asked for a transfer. Told her telemetry was not the right fit for me. I was moved to an orthopedic unit and fell into a similar pattern. Years later I realized it happened because I was a good nurse. I understood how to prioritize and get things done. I just let the fear of doing things wrong consume me and it was a big downfall. After that I moved around alot, my personal life was a wreck and my professional life suffered. I got to where I hated nursing and wanted nothing to do with it. This was a problem since that was where my education was. I lost job after job after job and to this day I cannot figure out why people kept hiring me. Just shows how much demand there is for nursing professionals.

Almost two years ago, I had a bit of luck fall my way. I was unemployed and broke sitting at home trying to figure out what to do with myself. I went through some counseling to clear up my personal life and was ready to move on professionally. An Internet search led me to the job I currently have. I am now a medical writer. It required a nursing degree but is anything but nursing. I work from the comfort of home on an online server. I review medical records and write narratives. It is repetitive but really work I enjoy. The records I read are very interesting and as they are all work comp related, there is some pretty tragic things within. Though I don't get the reward of feeling like I'm helping people, I love what I do and the other benefits really outweigh anything I ever experienced as a floor nurse.

Now that I am two years out of the physical nursing side I wonder about going back to it. I don't think I've really been away long enough to miss it, and my job has not gotten boring yet. I have promised myself that some day I will go back into it though and sometimes think about when that time will be. I just don't know.

WTF

2009-09-16T15:45:00.002-05:00

Okay, why why why are people stupid? I sent out a card with my wedding invitations, which gives directions to the church and reception hall from the north, south, east, and west. WHY then when I get RSVP's, do I have people writing on the card..."I need directions please"! WTF, I already gave them to you along with the address of these places. How about you use your brain and read instead of asking me to waste MORE time to re-send you something I already sent you! My town isn't that big...just google it, you will find it. ORRRRRR, get out a damn atlas and look for yourself!

IDIOTS!

It's hump day!!!!????

2009-09-16T10:42:00.004-05:00

Why on earth do we say that anyway? Wednesday is hump day. Yes, I realize it's mid week so we are over the first half and starting to come into the end but seriously...am I the only one who thinks of "hump" in a completely different way? Every week on Wednesday we have a staff meeting and inevitably someone will mention hump day. Immediately, the 13 year old perverted girl in my brain starts laughing. Then I sit for 20 minutes and ponder why we say this phrase.

So anyway, I don't have much to talk about today. I'm basically just going through the motions of the week. Seems like the week is going slow but then again it is hump day so I'm half way there. LOL! God I'm a goof. It is such a wonderful thing to have a 4 day work week though!

This weekend is my bridal shower. I'm very excited and anxious all at the same time. My bridesmaids, who I love beyond belief, are throwing the shower for me. I KNOW it will be a beautiful affair with people who I care about. The MIL will be present, which makes me a bit anxious. I always worry she will say or do something hurtful. I'm pretty sure if she even thinks about opening her mouth, one of my Matron's of honor will kill her right then and there. The thought of how much support I have from everyone else has made me stop and think about things. I really believe everyone is right, I'm being overly critical and worried over the MIL and her actions. I'm ready to cut loose and enjoy things and make this MY DAY from here on in. I should have kept this attitude from the start and never let anyone make me miserable. 4.5 weeks are left, I am making it my goal to make each of them good and happy and to re-gain the closeness with my future husband. We have grown distant because of the mess this has become, which makes no sense. WE are the reason for the wedding and it is our time to show exactly what we mean to one another. So sad, we let these things push us apart. I'm pretty ashamed to realize this now.

On a completely random note, I've been thinking alot about getting a new hair-do after the wedding. Last year at this time I had super short hair. I loved it short, it was easy to maintain and I was constantly getting compliments on it. Jerry missed my long locks though and asked if I would mind growing it out for our wedding day. Last October I started the process and it has been a LONG ordeal. Anyone who has gone through this remembers the stages you go through and how it never quite does what you want it to do...nor does it grow fast enough to please you. But, I've hung in there with it for almost a year now and it did grow. It is now down to my shoulders in layers but I've not had many layers put in because that would have totally defeated the idea of growing it out. As such, this leaves me with absolutely zero style. I HATE it! I am having the top have put up and lots of curls added for the wedding, which I hope I like...don't have the trial run for 3.5 more weeks. Anyway, as there is no style...I want something new for after the wedding. I'm looking for suggestions and ideas from anyone and everyone. Here are a few things you have to keep in mind though. I would like to keep some of my length, not really ready to go back super short again. I have very thin hair and a big face. (I'm a big gal remember). I like funky and fun cuts and am not afraid to try things. I want something that won't make me look like an old woman but not a teen either. Was thinking of maybe an inverted bob. Any suggestions?

Moody Monday

2009-09-14T13:21:00.003-05:00

Man I think everything is just taking its toll on me. I am so dang moody today. I sure hope it passes by the end of the day. I have my wedding gown fitting tonight and right in this moment am in no mood to deal with it. Do you ever get like that? Just can't get excited about doing what needs done, even when it's important. I should be thrilled to go for my fitting and should be excited that it means we are moving ever closer to the final day. But I am just tired, crabby, sad, tearful, worried, anxious. Nothing that screams "excited or thrilled". I find myself praying alot these days. I just keep hoping the wedding will be beautiful and run smooth and I will have the time of my life. All the while I worry that it will be the biggest upset of all. I feel distant from everyone right now, even Jerry...who I should be growing ever closer to. I'm just in a funk I suppose. Maybe because it's Monday, maybe because of the stress, maybe because I'm just letting all this bother me when it shouldn't.

This weekend we had one of our groomsmen back out on us. He is out of work and has been for some time. 6 months in fact. He was out of work when Jerry asked him to be a part of our day, but never indicated he wouldn't be able to attend due to money. Here we are 5 weeks away. Jerry called him Saturday to check in on if he had gotten his tux measurements. He said he was getting them done today. Sunday we got a text message saying he was broke and wasn't going to do it. Whatever happened to good communication? Jerry and this man have been friends since childhood, grew up right down the street from one another. Yet, he cannot even pick up the phone to tell him this news. Very sad.

The biggest bummer is that I spent two full 10 hour days making our wedding programs, which now contain the name of someone who is no longer a part of this day. What a waste!!!

This is yet another setback in the journey and I've just grown so bitter. Why am I feeling angry about all this and why can't I just let it be? All these things are bothering me all the way through to my core. I can't overlook the comments and the actions of my friends and family. I want to just run away from all this and not deal with it. Thankfully, Jerry came up with a quick solution to our groomsmen issue and we have it resolved (aside from the program disaster). I'm fighting hard to pull myself out of all this and regain some sanity. I just hope I figure out how to get through this before it gets any worse.

9/11....Where were you?

2009-09-11T11:27:00.002-05:00

Well, I figured since today is 9/11 I should put behind me the petty MIL BS and take some time to reflect. Today I think about all those people who lost lives as well as those who lost parents, children, friends, etc. It was a most horrific thing and though I do not live near NYC, it hit me hard all the same. Where were you that day? 8 years have passed but I remember it like it was yesterday. I doubt there is a single person who doesn't remember where they were when they heard the news.

I was in my first semester of nursing school. My first semester away from home and meeting new people. I was 21 years old and having the time of my life. The summer previous to going away to school, my family took summer vacation out east. Among our stops, NYC. I can still remember how I felt the first time I came out out of the train station. I was overwhelmed and amazed. I am not a country girl, but have never been surrounded by big city life like that before. I learned quickly I would never survive on my own and was thankful it was merely a vacation. To this day, I remember the way the streets smelled, the sound of cars passing by you as you walked the streets. Never will forget how impressed I was with much of the architecture and the mere grandiosity of the city. It was a wonderful vacation but I have no desire to return to the city.

On the morning of 9/11 I got up early for my 8am class. Did my usual routine, shower, dress etc. As I opened my closet to choose a shirt, I came across a shirt I had picked up in NYC that summer. I held the shirt in my hand and started the the letters across the front...N-Y-C. My stomach did a little turn. I found it odd and started thinking more deeply. Something told me it was going to be important for me to wear that shirt. I had not worn it since before moving away so it was kind of unusual that I would choose it. I put it on, finished gathering my supplies and headed out the dorm door. As I was walking across campus that day, something was just nagging at me. I didn't know what it was at the time and brushed it aside.

As I entered my class, I gathered with my new friends and talked about what we were going to be doing in class that day. Our teacher was a real hard ass. To this day, she is the rudest teacher I have ever encountered. She never smiled, never joked, never allowed anyone to relax and enjoy the learning process. As she entered our classroom she had a look on her face that I will NEVER forget. It was fear and sorrow all rolled up into one look. She looked tired and confused. I think everyone in the room knew something terrible was wrong. She was quiet a minute and finally announced that class was cancelled. She asked us as a class to go to our university center and find the big screen TV. Confusion hit all of us. She said something terrible was happening to our nation...and like a flash, she was gone. We all moved to the TV and not a single word was said. I sat with my classmates that day in total awe of the situation. We sat 2 hours without saying a word. Finally, as we started to separate and head home a friend saw my shirt. She could not believe her eyes! I, of course, finally understood the reason for my turned stomach earlier in the morning. I explained my story to my friends and we were all in shock. I spend the rest of the day in my dorm room with an entire wing of new friends sitting crammed around my 13 inch TV. It was a bonding moment for us. Some talked, some said nothing, some cried, some couldn't take the horror and left.

I will never forget that feeling when I saw that big TV and what had happened. Never forget what it was like to see that second plane hit that tower. Never forget those images, which played and re-played for so long. It was tragic and awful and no....WE WILL NEVER FORGET!

GOD BLESS AMERICA! And thank you to all those troops who continue the fight to keep us safe.

Thirsty Thursday

2009-09-10T07:38:00.005-05:00

I was just sitting here thinking about drinking. Well, really I'm quite thirsty this morning and for no real reason. As I sat a big glass of ice water by my side but I decided Thirsty Thursday was a good topic to discuss. I can tell you about all the kinds of drinks I enjoy, which includes adult and non-adult beverages.

Water is a big one for me. I drink ALOT of the stuff every day, which I guess is one good thing I've got going for me.

Another drink I love is tea in both the iced and hot forms. Iced in the summer, hot in the winter. It's a soothing beverage and in my opinion tastes quite different depending on drinking it hot or cold. Cold, I prefer it with splenda and maybe some lemon. Hot, gimme splenda and honey!

Soda...while I don't drink the stuff very often. You absolutely cannot go wrong with a nice cold Mountain Dew from time to time. Even better is a fountain Mt. Dew.

So now to the serious drinks. I am a beer and whiskey kind of gal. You cannot EVER go wrong with a nice cold beer on a hot summer day. Of course, you also can't go wrong with a nice cold beer on a cold winter day. Haha, basically beer is universal. You can drink it anytime, anywhere, and for no reason at all. My personal favorites happen to be of the dark variety.

But others I enjoy include...

My list could go on forever really. I'm not a fan of most ale beers but can handle them every now and then. Wheat beers are also up there on my list, they are pretty easy drinking and usually have a nice flavor.

Whiskey wise it all depends on how I'm drinking it. If I'm going to mix it, I will be happy to drink almost any variety no matter how cheap. If I'm going to shoot it or drink it on the rocks, I prefer a better quality, but still am not super picky. Of course this guy is my favorite....

What kind of drinks to you all enjoy? I'm always interested in trying things I've never had before, though I more often than not stick to what I like. I'm not a real regular drinker so might as well get the good stuff when I'm at it...right?

The Guest List

2009-09-09T08:32:00.005-05:00

The guest list has been an ongoing fight, nearly from day one. We are less than six weeks from the wedding and the fight is ever ongoing. I honestly believe it will continue to be a topic of conversation and argument until the wedding day, with my luck it will continue even after the wedding. I have always envisioned my wedding as a very small and private affair. Never considered having the big blow out party that so many people have these days. I never imagined a sit down meal, never imagined a DJ with dancing, never considered having a bar. Not that I don't have fun when I go to weddings with these features, it's just not something I ever really wanted. Jerry, on the other hand, wants a huge party. Lots of drinking, eating, and dancing. Obviously, we had to draw the line somewhere and we had to try and accommodate both of our wishes. We spent many nights laying in bed throwing out numbers and hashing out what was a fair compromise on both ends. I agreed to the dinner, DJ, and bar....he agreed to cut the amount of people invited. We finally had a reasonable number and started planning from this number. Everything you do when planning a wedding depends on the number of guests you have. Table decorations, invitations, cake, food, favors, etc. The list really goes on and on.

As we started to make our guest list we quickly learned how large our families are. The list was nearly full on family alone. This suited me and Jerry agreed to add only a small handful of our friends to the list. We passed this information along to our parents, to keep them informed of our plans. My family took the news in stride but the future MIL did not. She and my FIL had a very large wedding and as they told us, "we have a large number of friends who we will be inviting". Jerry and I discussed this in private and both agreed to stick to our original plan. After all, it was our wedding and we should do what we wanted. Jerry called his folks and told them this news, of course they were not satisfied. Mainly the MIL was not happy with our decision. Remember when I told you Jerry had not "grown a set"...well this again comes into play. His mother is quite the manipulator and eventually had Jerry on her side working against me. I was growing tired of the fight and agreed to allow additional people to the list.

Weeks passed and the planning went on. As the costs started adding up, Jerry began to ask questions and wanted to know why everything was so pricey. I explained how the number of people we invite increased the total cost on nearly everything. He did not like this as we are paying for almost everything on our own. He began to see just how expensive the wedding was going to become. As such, he pulled me aside and said he was going to have his parents cut down their friends list. See, my family is extremely large, and my parents only added 4 friends. Jerry's parents had a larger list of friends than family. So after some discussion, we set the number for them to remove from the list.

Once again, he is on the phone with the MIL who, from two rooms away, I can hear screaming at him. She is insane with anger. She calls us anti-social, stubborn, spoiled...several different names. Now, I am 30 years old and Jerry is 29 so we are not children. I'm not even a young bride who is "trying" to be a pain or rebel. I simply want what I want and since Jerry and I are paying for it, we want it to be a special day for us. Anyway, the names are flying and she informs him that, "the wedding is not even fun anymore" and proceeds to hang up on him. We laugh it off and carry on with our plans. Days later, Jerry's father calls to "discuss" this change with him. It is obvious the MIL has had words with FIL and FIL gets roped into calling Jerry to push MIL's wants. Anyway, FIL tells Jerry that we WILL do what THEY want because THEY have to show the people of the small town where they live a good time. Jerry does not want to fight with FIL but does try and explain that is is OUR money paying for this and its not what WE want. I listen from the sidelines as the argument goes in circles. The FIL offers to pay for the extra costs and we say no. Jerry and I like having control over what our day will be and with that comes the responsibility of footing the bill. Conversation ends with nothing resolved.

I get angry and say ultimately it is our decision, we are the ones sending the invites so tell them to get us the address of all they want to invite and we will simply cut it down ourselves. Jerry understands this is not the adult way or the right way to handle the situation and agrees to force the issue with them to resolve the dispute. I sit on the sidelines while 2 more phone conversations take place. Both of these involve Jerry talking with the MIL and FIL together. The MIL even wants to come to our home, which is two hours from them, so we can talk about it in person. I am so red with rage at this point and Jerry realizes a personal visit would NOT be a good decision on his part. He avoids the topic and tries to keep arguing his case. Again, it becomes a circular conversation. Bamboo and I don't want this....why....because we don't....well that's not a reason...well we don't have to tell you more than this....yes you do. On and on it goes. Finally on at the end of the 4th call about this, nothing is resolved and the conversation is about to end. I completely lose my mind. I run, pick up the second phone and completely blow up at my future in-laws. I have been sitting back, biting my tongue since day one and now I am so angry I unleash weeks of frustration and anger in 30 minutes. I try and be nice initially and explain how it is not our wishes to have a big wedding. They don't hear it. I then explain how my wishes were to have no reception at all, they still don't hear it. Finally, I have to get rude and basically tell them, "we are paying for it, this is the way it is, I'm sorry if you don't like it but it's not your choice".

Well, there is a catch to all of this. See, the in-laws are paying for part of the wedding. We decided a catered meal was going to be too expensive for us and we let them know we weren't going to do it. We decided to have small sandwich trays and finger foods instead. They would not have it and insisted on paying for catering. By doing this MIL thinks they are paying for the MAJORITY of the wedding costs. In reality they aren't even paying for a quarter of what it is costing us to have this wedding. So MIL tells me we will do what they want since they are paying for it. I explain to MIL how they are paying for a small part, which was their choice to do as we did not ask for it nor want it. She gets even hotter with anger to hear me say this. I explain how I would be happy to show them the bills for all the other costs of the wedding to prove this but she won't hear it. In the end, we have a shouting match and I win....or so I thought.

MIL, who asked you?

2009-09-08T08:45:00.005-05:00

My fiance' and I had a BBQ at our house over the weekend. We had our bridal party and families come as we needed to have our "guys" go for a round of tux fittings at the bridal shop. Most of our wedding party is made up of family members so basically we just had a big family BBQ with it. Of course, this meant my future MIL was here. I can't tell you how much FUN I had. Within an hour I was wishing I could stick forks in my eyeballs just to have an excuse to get the hell out of my own party! Anyway, this BBQ reminded me I need to move along on my blog with the MIL story.

So on I go....

As time passed after our engagement and after getting through my brothers wedding last year, I decided it was finally time to start getting serious about wedding plans. I though a good place to start was to look for my gown. Now, I am plus sized...no I'm a BIG woman. Have been my entire life. Tried diet after diet after diet, you know...alot of us have been there. Things may work for awhile but then I re-gain etc. Same old story everyone tells. Anyway, yes I am big. It does not take away from who I am. Jerry fell in love with me despite all this and I think all in all I'm a good and decent person, which obviously my size has nothing to do with. I only tell you this because it does influence the story somewhat.

As I began wedding gown shopping I found out extremely quickly, the wedding industry does NOT cater to plus sized women. It was very difficult to find shops that carried my size on the rack to try on. The first place I went I was treated very rudely, and at the time I didn't realize how rude they were. Let's just say, when I went back to the same place with a friend who was trying on dresses, I got to first hand see the difference. Anyway, it was a difficult journey. I was determined to find something at a "reasonable" price. Ha, I laugh at it now because that was not even an option for me. I did most of the searching alone as I was a bit embarrassed going in shop after shop to be told they could "order" something for me, but the "order" meant I had to purchase. Why on earth do I want to pay 1000 bucks for a dress I've never tried on? It just seemed so unfair. Luckily, I found a shop with dresses in my size. I went the first time alone and found several I liked. Of course, I had my mother come down and shop with me after that and then I settled on THE ONE! I did have to order it, which was fine since I knew I loved it on my body. For all of you who have been married, you know the excitement and joy of finding your wedding gown. It's a special time in your life and that gown is very important, more than I realized I suppose. So, I ordered the gown and took the designer book with the picture so I could show everyone what dress I had chosen.

Fairly soon after this even, my future MIL was visiting and asking about my gown hunt. I told her I had just found the one I loved and it was ordered. She asked to see a picture of it and this is what I showed her (yes this is my gown) only it is ivory trimmed in fuchsia pink. Anyway, as I showed her the picture and explained that the trim color was pink, the real MIL came out to crush my joy. The very first comment she made was related to my color choice. Now pink is what I consider my signature color. I have loved it my whole life! But, my MIL tells me I need to "call that bridal shop and have your order changed, you need to wear all white and get that color taken off of there." I say, what?! You have to be kidding, the entire reason I chose this dress was BECAUSE I wanted to wear pink! She explains, "wearing ivory and pink looks....well bad, a bride should wear white to look proper". I am crushed, and thinking she is nuts. I was not going to re-order my dress for anyone! After all it was MY dress. I say very little to her all the while thinking to myself, lady...I've been sleeping with your son for the last 6 years...there is no need for me to wear white!

Anyway, I stand in silence unsure of how to approach it. I start to close the book when she exclaims, "I sure hope you are planning on wearing a jacket or shawl as well, you are to big to wear a sleeveless dress". Again, my heart drops. How can this woman be saying this to me? After all, her son fell in love with me for who I am and not my size. I was crushed and angry and instead of telling her off, I simply close the book and walk away. Nothing more is said about the dress until....this weekend! As last week passed the MIL called to asked to see my gown. I already knew some of my bridesmaids wanted to see it as well. I decided I wanted to show my girls the dress as I knew they would be supportive and happy for me. Since the MIL was here, I showed her as well. At the bridal shop, where my gown is being held, I slip into my dress with butterflies in my stomach, remembering the harsh words this woman said to me so many months before. Will she be supportive this time, will she decided it is a beautiful gown, or will it be the same old story as before? As I walk out of the room, my mother and bridesmaids smile in the most heartfelt and loving way possible. Tears in my mother's eyes let me know how much she cares and how proud she is of me in that moment. I look at the MIL...and there is nothing. No emotion, no words...nothing. As I stand and look in the mirror while my girls laugh and take photo's by my side to remember the moment...MIL says no words at all. Finally she asks, "where is your veil"? I tell her I am wearing a tiara but no veil. She gives me a look, which tells me she believes this to be inappropriate as well. She immediately goes to the rack of veils trying to pick one out. My mother shakes her head and tells me she is happy I am not wearing a veil, it doesn't suit my style. So I ignore the MIL and return to the dressing room to redress. I fight with all my might to hold back the tears. Despite how much I do not want to care what this woman thinks...I cannot help but hurt and feel ugly in this moment. She has ruined this for me and has made me believe I will not be a beautiful bride. No woman should be made to feel like this for her wedding. What is wrong with her?

Fingernail polish...weird stuff

2009-09-04T10:49:00.003-05:00

So I was having a conversation with Goose yesterday about fingernail polish. And just have to...well I dunno if it's venting, but sorta rant about how it works/doesn't work.

-Why does the damn stuff take FOREVER to dry on your fingernails, but dries rather quickly on your toes?

-In the same token, why does it dry fast on acrylic fingernails but not on your real nails?

-Why in the heck does it chip off so quickly on your fingernails, but not on your toenails and why does it not chip off at all on acrylic nails?

I think about this stuff and realize the polish is the real reason of my problems! I can grow my regular nails out, can shape them and make them look beautiful. I can paint them and do my own art on them; HOWEVER, the polish never survives the first day I wear it. Even if I put a thousand layers of top coat on to "seal it in", the polish still ends up on the floor somewhere in chips and chunks. This means I just spent 2 hours pampering my nails and making them beautiful for them to look totally disgusting within a matter of hours. Where does that leave me....pissed off and frustrated. Maybe this is a plot by the nail industry to get us to spend tons of money because when I get frustrated enough I go get acrylics, which are not cheap, so that I can have my pretty polish and pretty art, which I can wear for two weeks without worry of how it looks. Just seems like there should be an easier way! In the meantime I'll keep going to the nail salon, pay my 15 bucks and carry on. Rant over.

:)

She drives me crazy.....

2009-09-03T08:37:00.004-05:00

OOOOHH OHHH. Sorry, couldn't help myself. Happy Thursday everyone! I love Thursdays...why you might ask, well because for me Thursday is Friday. HUH? To you it might not make sense; however, once I explain you will understand. I work a 4 day work week, 10 hour days, M-Th. So, at the end of Thursday, I can party like a rock star...or well just be glad work is done for the week. I do like to party some though, seems like it's been ages since my last round of fun though. My fiance', who I shall call Jerry (and no that is not his real name), and I have been very busy preparing for the up and coming wedding. On top of that mess, we bought our first home at the beginning of 2009 and have been overloaded with work to improve it. Needless to say, we have not had time to actually enjoy life or our friends, who I'm sure are going insane since we are always busy! SORRY GOOSE :( On the flip side, the wedding and home projects are nearing an end and all the hard work has made Jerry and I quite happy. Once the middle of October comes and goes we are on a project hiatus and ready to live it up with our neglected friends. YAY!

So what about all this MIL stuff you might wonder? Well I have been dating Jerry for 6 and a half years. I've been exposed to this woman since the very beginning of that time, in fact I spent Easter with his family only weeks after we had started dating. At that time, I was in college and a good bit younger so I don't know if I simply overlooked the way she is or I was just stupid and thought this crap was normal. I should have realized I was in for an awakening, the signs were all there! The stories of her are long and drawn out and must be told in chronological order to give you the full effect of her insanity. I will give you a glimpse into this but then may have to make separate posts to tell the tale. Much like Mango girl does with her island adventure story, which by the way I am completely in love with!

After getting engaged in April of 2008, the future MIL would call me nearly every day to "discuss" the wedding. Jerry and I knew from when we got engaged we wouldn't have the actual wedding until the fall of 2009. That was a year and a half away! No need to start the planning until closer to time. These calls went on for what seemed like forever, though looking back it was only a few months. (yes still longer than necessary) See, my younger brother was getting married in October of 2008. So for my family, all discussion was focused on his up and coming day. That was fine by me, and was a good excuse to get the MIL off my back. I put my wedding on the back burner and as the Maid of Honor in his wedding, I was plenty busy to keep my mind occupied. The day of his wedding, my future MIL was asked to video the wedding and reception. My Grandmother was not in good health, yet wanted to be a part of the wedding. The video was done so she could see him get married and turned out to be such a wonderful thing as she passed away in January of this year. Anyway, during his reception, the MIL comes to me and insists we take and utilize my brother and new sister's decorations for our reception. She explains, "it would be silly not to use them"; however, she never stopped to consider they DIDN'T BELONG TO US! On top of this, the decorations were not at all what I envisioned for my day. My brothers wedding was beautiful and very fall themed with reds and oranges and browns. Not my style at all! I explained to her, that I would not be doing the same theme as him and had a very different image in my mind of how our wedding and reception would look. She, would not hear it and completely ignored that I had explained I was not interesting in using them. She even asked the bride if she could have the decorations including the 50 cent table covers at the end of the night so that we could re-use them. Luckily, my mother was standing there and put a halt to it, explaining that the decorations were the property of the brides aunt and that they were not, "Bamboo's style". By the end of the night, my future MIL had not only annoyed and angered me, she had also managed to piss off the bride and groom as well as my mother. I should have realized then there would be more drama, fight, and headache to come. Why on earth didn't I pay attention!???

Now, I'm sure some of you wonder...where was Jerry in all this? Well, Jerry is a couple of years younger than me and has apparently not "grown a set" to this day. He is terrified of his mother and cares not to argue with her but rather to let her have her way. He figures this is easier and causes less headache. More to come on this topic in the future.

So there you have it, the beginning of a good drama. The characters are all there and sadly enough, this is my reality. As the wedding is still six weeks away, there is obviously more nightmare to come my way. I am interested to hear if anyone else out there has an MIL from hell and how you handle her. I'll be hoping for more comments and suggestions as I dive deeper into the story but I'm interested to hear what you think at this point?

Check back for the next part of the series!

Let the blogging begin...

2009-09-01T17:48:00.000-05:00

Well hello blogger world! I am brand new to this cyber "vent" fest, though I must admit I have become a reader over the last weeks. My best friend Goose, who recently started her blog, "What's good for the Goose" has peaked my interest in joining into the blog community. Recently Goose and I have discussed that I have some interesting stories to share. Hopefully I can find a group of people to take this blogging journey with me and follow this blog. I am going to try and be a daily blog writer; however, my life is very busy and there will be days where the blog takes a back seat to other things. Just the way of the world I suppose. Alot of what is going on in my life right now involves my up and coming wedding. The wedding is in October, which I am only partially excited for. I love my fiance' very much but his mother has caused quite a bit of strife in our lives. Lets just say that she didn't get the memo that the mother-in-law (MIL) gets little to no say in the actually wedding event. As the old saying goes, "the mother of the groom wears beige and shuts the hell up". My future MIL is completely insane and her ideas are...well, some describe them as "nutso". What should have been the best time in my life, has turned into a nightmare that is hard to describe. I will get into greater details of her insanity later in my blog journey. For now, I just want to say hello to you all!