Thoughts for Thursday

I really don't have much to say today. I've been in a funk the last couple of weeks. I dunno if I'm in the let down phase after the wedding or what, but it seems like I'm just off. I've been really up and down. Super happy then super sad. I have had troubles in the past with depression and anxiety so I started to wonder if some of that was coming back but I realized it's not the same as before so I don't believe it is. I just think I've been very busy with work and taking the days as they come. The good ones are fun and make me excited and the bad ones suck and piss me off. That should be normal right?

I admit that I am a bit nervous about the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday. This is my first year spending the day with Jared's family and there is always that potential for drama. We have a schedule to keep so that we can visit both of our families. More frequently than not my MIL plays this game where she will try to stall us as long as possible. I hate the game and get very annoyed that my husband lets her win. We do have a game plan in place this year so I am trying to remain positive and hope for the very best; however, I can't help but feel a bit anxious that there will be issues. I like to think she understands that just as we work hard to spend time on both sides and show up on time, we have to keep a schedule to get to my families festivities on time. Yet I doubt that concept reaches her brain. Maybe that is why I am funky right now. I'm nervous about the holiday. I hope once it passes and is wonderful it will reassure me that we can have fun with both families and that both can understand how difficult it is to travel and make everyone happy.

Other than these things, I'm also thinking about Christmas. I'm not trying to whine about the negative things going on as I realize we have it better than a good number of people. Yet, I still worry about it as the wedding pinched our budget really tightly and we have flat our run out of money. It's a scary feeling for us since the last two years have been so easy. We have been able to do what we wanted, save money, buy a home, and feel secure. The wedding was way over what I ever wanted to pay and Jared just didn't understand how tight it would make us. Looking back now, I know he regrets using all of our money for the wedding, but what's done is done. I don't really regret it, I mean it was a beautiful and perfect day; however, I think we could have gotten the same feelings from a less expensive ordeal. What does that have to do with Christmas? Everything and nothing. We will still enjoy the holiday just in a different way. Last year we spent big because we could. It was easy and fun shopping. This year, we are going to be squeezing ever ounce of cash from our paychecks to get everyone something to enjoy. There just hasn't been enough time passed to allow us to rebuild our extra cash flow to where I want it to be. Though I know it will only take a few of months for us to be back in the comfort zone, right now it's a bummer.

This weekend, to try and boost my holiday spirit and forget about the other downers, I am going to decorate my house. It is early but like I said earlier in the week we are going to be gone over Thanksgiving and I want to be able to enjoy it as soon as we get home. This is our first Christmas in our home and I cannot wait to get the tree up and start enjoying the things we have been blessed with. The air will be filled with good old holiday music and the scent of pine from Christmas candles. Just that one thought makes me smile. It has become my mission to try and see the good in all things. Even when there is darkness, there is ALWAYS some light to see. I find this very difficult as I am a huge pessimist, but right now I doubt there is a better goal for me to strive for.

Anyway, these are the thoughts running through my brain on this rainy Thursday. Is there anything on your mind?