Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
My bridal bouquet
Same shot, focused on the flower instead of the berries
Add my ring in and you get this
My cats...Jerome is the black one and Basher is the tabby
Our puggle Dudley
So, what do you think? I think so far the pictures look pretty good. Can't wait to get better at it as well as have time to go out and take some pretty photos.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Yeah, seriously....you get such nice stuff all for getting married to the person you love. I am still shocked at how much you end up with when it is all said and done. Of course it doesn't come close to what you spend on the wedding but it is fun to recoup some of the expenses and get to splurge.
Jared and I spend a good bit of our first few vacation days trying to decide what we wanted to spend the cash on. Naturally we got alot of other stuff like dishes, pots and pans, gift cards, etc. But the cash is the real fun part cause you can use it for ANYTHING. There were several things we wanted to spend the money on in terms of our house but we decided to spend the money more on ourselves than anything else. We bought two BIG items and the money is pretty well gone. But I'm excited about both of them. The first purchase was a piece of furniture for our living room. ALL the furniture we own is stuff that has been given to us, stuff we found, or stuff family sold to us for basically nothing. Jared and I really wanted two of those big seat and a half recliners. We both really love the size of them and decided that would be a nice thing to spend some money on. Well, they aren't all that easy to find and for the most part are very expensive. Lucky for us we found this.
It's basically two seat and a half recliners connected by a console. I am in LOVE with it! So wonderful to sit in comfort and watch movies and TV. AND it didn't totally blow all of our money. We almost didn't get it into the house though! Actually, we ended up messing up a little bit of the leather on the console because it was such a tight squeeze through the front door, but who cares really. It's in and we love it.
The other thing we got, which I cannot wait to start using is a camera. We got a Canon XS digital SLR. I have always had an interest in photography but don't know anything about it. Jared and I figured what a good thing to buy to start capturing our lives from here on out. Thus far we haven't used it much but I am going to a Halloween party this weekend and can't wait to start to play with it. This is what it looks like.
Yup, so I'm excited. We were able to get an additional lens for the camera as well so I hope to start learning to take some beautiful pictures. One thing I like is that there are automatic functions of the camera so until I get better with all the settings I can use the auto features and should still get some really good quality shots. I thought this would be fun to have for my blog as well. I love seeing all the beautiful pictures on so many blogger pages so I'm thrilled to have the opportunity to shoot my own pretty shots. And FYI, the picture of the chairs is not from the camera, it's an iphone pic...thus the crappy quality.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Anyway, the wedding went off without a hitch. I still cannot believe how perfect the day turned out. During the planning it is so hard to tell if everything will come together in the end or not. I felt like I was flying by the seat of my pants until things started falling into order.
I met my lovely bridesmaids early in the morning for coffee and bagels. I was getting so nervous but the time with them helped put my soul at ease. We headed to the salon where one by one we got our hair beautiful...okay well not all of us. My sister-in-law has a short inverted bob cut (if you know who Kate from John and Kate plus 8 is then you know the hairstyle I speak of). Anyway, the stylist decided to curl the longer sections of hair and pulled the middle of the top up. She seriously looked like Ben Franklin...it was horrific! Luckily my stylist agreed to fix what this other woman had totally destroyed and she ended up looking fantastic.
From the salon I headed to pick up my lovely dress and then went to the church. We completed most of our pictures before the wedding so we had to be there quite early to get things moving. The girls one by one started getting dressed in the beautiful dresses they had chosen.
Then it was my turn. I FINALLY felt like a bride. My dress was so beautiful and for the first day of my entire life I actually FELT beautiful. I wish I could recapture that feeling and have it again and again and again. It was magical to feel like that. After dressing, my photographer set up what is still one of my favorite parts of the day. She placed my groom in the sanctuary of the church all alone with his back to the door. I walked in from behind him so he could have the first look at me. What a special moment it was! He turned around and had the biggest smile I ever remember seeing on his face. His eyes glowed with pure joy and he said, "wow". I will NEVER forget how I felt in that moment. Never forget how he smelled, how I wasn't aware of the photographers or anything else but him. I just loved having that time for him to take it all in and time for me to enjoy his excitement. We took a few minutes alone to talk and for him to look over my beautiful gown.
The photo's went off without a hitch. I can't wait to see them all. After we finished most of our photographs I had about an hour before the ceremony started. I retreated to the dressing room with my bridesmaids to wait for everyone to come and be seated. This is when my nerves REALLY kicked into high gear. The hour went quickly thank goodness and before I knew it I was being called to come meet up with my Dad. I got to the end of a long hallway where he was standing and I nearly started to cry. It hit me very fast that I was about to get married. My father grabbed my hand and told me I couldn't cry. He made me laugh and I composed myself. From where we stood behind two closed doors I couldn't tell much of what was going on. There was a small crack in the door so my Dad looked and told me what was going on. I was so thankful for that little crack. Eventually my father walked to me, grabbed my arm and we headed through the door. I knew it was time. I heard my music start, Canon in D. Such a beautiful song! We waited and then began the long walk to my future husband. I took time to look around at the friends and family looking back at me but then my eyes fixed on Jerry. I could tell he was nervous but his eyes were so alive and bright. I smiled at him and he smiled back. I never stopped looking at him.
The ceremony was very special. An old minister from Jerry's childhood was kind enough to fill in as our current pastor had to be out of town. He did such a wonderful job for us and I am really greatful for the personal touches he added. One of my matron's of honor put a slide show together of family pictures starting with baby pictures and ending with recent pictures of Jerry and I. It added such a special touch for the ceremony and I heard nothing but wonderful compliments from my family. I can't stress enough how beautiful everything was. It was exactly what I wanted my wedding day to be. It ended up being worth every ounce of stress I had gone through.
After the ceremony, Jerry and I finished family photo's and packed up to go to the reception. I had the best night ever. The food was terrific and the decorations amazing. We ate, drank, danced, laughed...had the best time. My friends and family are so special and amazing, they really made our wedding what it was.
Here are some photo's I stole from friends/family. When I get the professional prints I'm sure I'll post them too but for now here is a glimpse. Goose also posted some on her blog so check it out.
Me and the hubby and our first dance
My beautiful dress
My amazing and gorgeous husband
Dancing with Goose!
Our beautiful flowers
The cake, the cake cutting, and the end result of the cake madness
The amazing centerpieces done by our florist
The happy couple
And on a side note. I've decided since I've posted all these adorable pictures of us, I can no longer see using "fake" names. You all might as well know my real name as this blog is about my real life. Bamboo is the pet name that my now husband uses for me. My real name is Becki...not Becky or Beckie, but B-E-C-K-I. Unique, yes but that's why I love it. Jerry is not Jerry as I said from the start. Jerry is a name I call him from an inside joke, which started with an old neighbor. Jerry is Jared. Becki and Jared. There you have it!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
This is my last day of work for the week. As of 6pm tonight I will be on an 11 day off stretch of vacation. Do you know what that means? Yup, I'm getting married soon! Through all the ups and downs of this ordeal I can honestly say I am really really happy about this major event. We had some tough spots, and times where I wasn't sure if I would make it through. Looking back from this moment all I can say is it all happened for a reason. Perhaps this will allow Jerry and I to appreciate this day more than we would have otherwise. The final plans are in place and we are ever so slowly creeping forward to that moment every girl dreams of.
This Saturday, with my father by my side, I will walk down the isle and marry the man I love more than I can ever explain. He is not perfect, neither am I, yet I think we can really make this love last forever with a little bit of patience and work over the years to come.
Last night Jerry and I cuddled up in our big bed and talked about what was going to happen this weekend. I can hear the excitement in his voice and it makes me happy. I speak of how much I can't wait to see all these plans put together, to finally see the vision I've held in my head this last year come to life. Then I ask what he looks forward to the most? His response, "getting to see you". My heart swells with joy and love!
Everything feels so right in these last days. It may not end up being the exact wedding I've always wanted but I do think in the end it will still be a beautiful day, which will reflect my style and our love. I feel really blessed to have some wonderful people to share this with. Goose has been my best friend since we were in high school. What is that...14 years! Wow, yup now I feel old. Anyway, she along with two awesome sisters-in-law, and two nieces get to stand by me as I speak my vows to Jerry. There is nothing quite like the feeling of having 100% support from those special people in your life. Though the MIL and I do not really get along, I feel good knowing there will be people there who want to see us happy.
Once the ceremony is over there will be eating, drinking, dancing, laughing, etc. I hope it makes for one wonderful party. I look forward to the "fun" stuff at the reception. Dancing with my new husband for the first time. Watching friends and family enjoy the night. I do plan on posting pictures on my blog of the event and have given Goose approval to do the same, so over the next week check back and I'll try to get things up as quickly as possible.
At this point my one major concern is the weather. Fall hit pretty quickly here, as you may remember from my previous post. This week we have had a good bit of rain and the temps are cool. I pray for the rain to stop but I'm sure the lower temps will be with us. The outdoor photo's might not be alot of fun, but since they are what I want most...I guess we will all just have to suck it up and get through it. At least there will be warmth to get back into once we are done.
So that's it...the last days are here! For those of you out there in blogger world who are or have been married. I'd love to hear any last words of advice you can pass along. Good, bad, ugly...I'm happy to hear them all!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Anyway, while on our way home we started talking about loving one another for eternity. Did you read that right ETERNITY! Number one, is this even possible? Number two, lets suppose it is possible. What happens when one of us dies? I mean, people lose spouses all the time and some younger than others. I always hear people encourage the person left in this world to carry on, move on, love another, remarry, etc and usually they say, "your dead spouse would 'want' you to move on and love again". How do you KNOW that's what the wishes of the dead would be? I mean, is this a conversation we should have with our loved ones? If I die please re-marry or if I die I would no longer love you if you did re-marry? How does that work really? Yes this is a totally random thought but Jerry was quite intrigued with it. In fact, its a conversation he says we "need" to have.
What are your thoughts on this? I mean say I died tomorrow, I wouldn't want him to feel like he has to spent the REST of his life mourning me and I would want him to move on and enjoy life without me. But what about a situation where we have been married for 40 years? I would be 70 years old. At that point I dunno. I suppose plenty of 70 year old people still have alot of life left, yet I can't imagine even wanting to be with anyone else when I just spent the last 40 years with the one I love. So any thoughts on this?
Monday, October 12, 2009
I'm interested to know if anyone else has this same love? Who thinks I'm completely insane? What TV do you watch? Reality TV....that's me!
Once I was finished, I drove home to show Jerry my new color (he loves me as a blond and I had brighter color added) and of course my hair was all styled with my pretty tiara and lots of curls for the wedding. I swear he fell in love all over again. I've spent the last year growing my hair out as that was his request for the wedding. He loves my hair longer so I figured that was the least I could do. I sorta missed having the longer hair too since I had spent the previous year or two with REALLY short hair. I walked in the door and he was playing pool and just stopped dead in his shot and his eyes glowed. I don't remember feeling that good about myself since college! A slow smile came to his face.. He walked toward me, scooped me into his arms and proclaimed how beautiful I looked. I felt amazing and didn't want that moment to end. I hope he will be doubly amazed at how I look on Saturday in my big beautiful dress. I can't wait to watch his eyes when he looks at me that day.
Another awesome and relaxing weekend was had. We had alot to get done this weekend, all those last minute wedding details, but we did them together and enjoyed this last weekend together before the rush of the big day. I really needed it and apparently so did he. I can't really tell you the last time we were both this relaxed and happy. I guess it is a good reminder as to why we are going through all the nonsense. Sadly the weekend ended and we are back at work; however, we are only 5 short days away from the big event! Even better is I am 3 short days away from 11 days of VACATION!
I think these last couple of weekends have helped me get very excited. I can't hardly sit still cause my mind races and wonders what will come of Saturday. I lay down and night and pray for it to be the best day of my life. I pray that everything I hope to get out of the day will be and hope that nothing stands in our way. I know it cannot be perfect. Something will more than likely go wrong and I am prepared for that. I just ask God for the grace to get through it and take it in stride. I am as ready as I can possibly be for this day and feeling very blessed to have someone to give my life and love to.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
I can't help but find them inspirational. Reading her blog reminded me just how much I take for granted every day. I think it is very easy to forget how fragile we are in this world and how one day can change our lives forever. This woman no longer looks like she once did, neither does her husband, yet their life is full and bright. I just find their spirit amazing.
Jerry's father was badly burned back in 1998. He was helping start Jerry's very old car at the time. Jerry's brother was helping as Jerry was out running around with friends. The car backfired and blew up in his face. He suffered burns on his face, neck, chest and arms. This was
a long before I knew any of them but his story has touched me as well. The scars are still there and though I don't notice them as much anymore from time to time I do and am reminded of the suffering it caused not only for him but for the entire family. Jerry has talked to me several times about this ordeal and how painful it was to watch someone so close to him suffer so deeply. He thought he was going to lose his dad in those first days, but he felt like at times watching him suffer was worse than if they had lost him. Looking back now, I know Jerry is thankful his Dad did what he needed to do to survive. It makes me think...and I really think you must be in touch with an inner spirituality to find strength to make it through these situations. My own spirituality is something I am still discovering and stories like these really make me step back and ponder for awhile.
After reading her story and thinking about Jerry's father's I feel very blessed with what I have. I wonder if I could survive an ordeal like theirs or if I would find it easier to let go. I suppose this is something you wouldn't find out until that moment but I like to think if I feed my spirit enough everyday, that I could get through anything. Any thoughts?
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
The obvious one...leaves. I love the colors, watching them change from green to yellow to red to brown. Such a beautiful sight. This is my first fall in my house. We have three very large trees. An oak and two sweet gums. Though I know I will HATE the raking we will be forced to do, I am completely in love with watching them change. The sweet gums are mostly green still but the tips fade to yellow and bright red at the very top. I am anxious to watch it progress down the tree as well as watch all the leaves fall to the ground.
The next thing I love is the good carmel apples you can find everywhere. We have a local custard place, which makes THE BEST carmel apples. They cover them in pecans...what could be bad about that?
Another of my favorite fall things is the Starbucks carmel apple spice drink. OMG, it's like this burst of comfort in your mouth. I am not a regular at Starbucks, but for fall...they tend to get more of my money. If you have not already tried this, I highly recommend you give in on a cool day.
Does anyone else notice how the air changes? You can almost smell the snow on it's way. Well maybe that doesn't work for people who don't get snow, but I always just get the sense that winter will be coming by soon. I love the snow, and the cooler temps. Not a huge fan of the super bitter days, but luckily we don't get a whole heck of alot of them where I live.
One final thing that might very well be my most favorite thing about the fall. BONFIRES! How can you go wrong with sitting around a cozy fire with family and friends, talking, laughing, eating, drinking. I look forward to it all year round and now that I am in my own home, I hope the fall doesn't get away before Jerry and I can have our own fire with friends and family.
- What is it with rain? I love the smell of it and always think it smells so clean. But, how does it smell so good when it's really just making all the day to day stuff outside wet? Makes me think the air should smell clean all the time so I can't help but wonder why it only smells good when rain falls.
- Why does time seem to go by very slowly but then when you stop and look back it seems like it flies? Like, I've been thinking the time has gone so slow since Jerry's birthday as mine is 2 month's after his. These 2 months have felt like forever but then I think...wait, my birthday is almost here and it seems like I just had one.
- Why can't places keep track of information? I booked a room for Goose's wedding at least 11 months ago and it turns out they don't have my booking. Thank God she looked at the list because I wouldn't have thought to double check it myself.
- What's up with slow drivers? Is there a point to driving BELOW the speed limit? It can't possibly be for safety, I mean...come on, if you are going slow I'm more likely to run into you than if you would just drive the same speed as the rest of the world! I don't zoom around people and drive super fast but AT LEAST keep up with the flow of traffic and save me from cursing you out for your ignorance. Also, to the old lady I was behind yesterday evening...since you can't see over the steering wheel and are drive a car bigger than the state of Texas, perhaps you should consider staying at home. If you must venture out, please TRY to understand there are other drivers on the road. I realize you cannot see me as you are 5 inches below the top of your dash but making a left turn and nearly smashing into my beautiful Jeep really pisses me off!
- Kids are funny. We live 3 houses down from a community park where kids play all year round. I sit and watch them walk by everyday after school and pretty much all evening. Some of them just mind what they are doing and go to the park and right back home. Other's are in big groups and just all in all up to no good. Jerry and I were sitting watching them over the weekend. This group of kids walks by and rips a handful of leaves off our tree. He sorta acted like it was the most tough thing he could have done. Jerry and I laughed. One of the kids sees us sitting inside watching them so he goes, "oh crap they saw you...RUN!!!". Off the group goes. I was cracking up! They made like we were going to run out our front door after them. I just sat pondering what makes kids tick and why they do such silly stuff.
Anyway, these are just a few random things running through my head today. Got anything on your mind?
Monday, October 5, 2009
Ms. B was given 5 words from another blogger and she did a post about the words she was given (which I've linked to above). She then offered to give 5 words to someone else. Goose thought it would be fun (which I've also linked to above), so now I'm going to post on the five words she gave me. If you want to join in, tell me in the comments and I'll send you your own five words!
Love- What can I say about love. It's complicated, fun, scary, up, down, simple....all at once. I am in love. My fiance' turned my whole life upside down from the moment we first met. I'm getting married to him in 11 days. The wedding might not be what I want, but I do love him. But I love beyond him. I love my family, though they can piss me off from time to time...in the end they are there for me no mater what messes I get myself into. I LOVE that. I love fall. This is my favorite time of year. The colors changing, the smells changing, the air getting cooler. Nothing about fall makes me sad. I love my pets. I have two cats and a dog. Since dog is one of my words I won't talk much about him here aside to say that I love him. My cats make me smile every day. My oldest, Jerome, is so loving and in tune with my feelings. If I have a bad day, he knows...and puts in the extra time to let me knows he cares. Sounds weird from a cat but he does. My younger cat, Bash, was not much a fan of me for a long time. He is Jerry's boy but recently he has done a flip. He is more loving with me and I love that!
Dogs- Like I said, I have a dog (Dudley). He is a puggle, which for those non-dog knowing people out there is a part pug part beagle mix. Completely adorable. He is about 30 lbs, short, a fawn brown color with black nose and mouth. He has a wrinkly forehead with a big curly tail and floppy ears. He is over a year old now but when we are out I always get stopped and asked about my "puppy". I guess you could say he has a little puppy face and doesn't quite seem like an adult. All in all, Dud has added more love to my life that I even knew how. I had wanted a dog when I was a kid but my parents wouldn't have it. Neither of them were big on pets, though we did eventually have a cat. Jerry and I adopted Dud last summer, he was a puppy and a total handful. Lucky for me, I work at home and was able to spend alot of time with him. He is not a perfectly trained dog but Goose, being a trainer, helped us with the process. I am pretty content with his behavior and he minds me pretty well, though he has times where he just wants to be a rebel...meh, don't we all! I'll never have a puppy again though. I think I'm a one woman dog, though I might feel different later in life once Dud is gone. I can't imagine doing the potty training all over again though. Yuck that sucks! Dogs seriously LOVE you, no matter what. They just want to be with you and cuddle with you and play with you and when you leave and come back they let you know just how much they missed you while you were gone. I have become so in love with the smell of dogs and the way Dudley wags his tail so hard when he is happy you can hear it thump on his sides. When I've been gone an come home he wags his butt back and forth when he sees me out of pure joy and excitement. NOTHING on earth compares to the love from a dog and I feel really blessed to have had the chance to give him a good home.
Cooking - I love to cook. Don't do it as much now as I once did but when I do it's something that really reminds me of where I came from. My mother is a great cook as was her mother as is my Dad's mother. I started learning to cook when I was young. It was just normal for me to spend my time helping my mom put meals on the table and help her multi-task. I look back and am no so extremely thankful for that time. She passed on so much knowledge about food, not as much about nutrition as I would have liked but I can cook some mean meals. Most of what I make involves no recipe, which drives Jerry and the future MIL nuts. Jerry can't really reproduce the things I make without me by his side and his mom can't stand that I make things he really loves but she doesn't know how to make. Guess that is one little place I get the upper hand. When Jerry and I are really busy we tend to eat out alot, which neither of us really enjoys. But it's very easy to do when you are pressed for time. Some of my favorite meals I make are chicken and dumplings, chicken Parmesan, fontina chicken...wow that's alot of chicken. But I also love to make enchiladas, taco, chili, steak, crab, soup....the list goes on and on. Yup, cooking is a part of who I am and I wouldn't trade that.
Laughter- My would could not go on without laughter. It feels so good to laugh so hard you cry, or so hard it makes it hard to breathe, or so hard your sides hurt. For me, a good laugh can take away so much bad. Jerry makes me laugh. He has a youthful spirit, which I hope he never loses and we have MANY inside jokes, which can set either of us off into a fit of laughter by only saying a few words. Seriously, where would we be without the feelings that come along with laughter? It is the best medicine! (okay that was cheesy...but yeah its good stuff)
Clothes- Well this is a tough topic for me. I love and HATE clothes. I love when I find stuff that fits comfortably, but hate the process I have to go through to find it. I am a plus sized woman at the upper end of the plus sized stores. I love that some stores carry trendy stuff to fit but come on, some things are just not meant for us big girls. Overall, I am a jean an t-shirt kind of gal. That is what I am most comfortable in, but over the last several years I've tried to branch out to wear more stylish shirts, which fit a bit different than a dumpy t. Since I work at home, most days you will find me in some baggy comfy shorts or pants, with a tank top, t-shirt, or hoodie depending on the time of year. Those are my favorite clothes. They are loose and relaxed. But when I go out at night or on weekends, most often I'll be in capri's or jeans with various different shirts. I love what I call boobie shirts. You know, the ones that accentuate your assets. ALL men like boobies, so might as well remind people that big girls have them too. Though, in terms of big women, I consider myself part of the IBTC (itty bitty titty committee) as I'm only a D to DD. Some of you are going D to DD that's BIG, but on my frame they don't seem very big at all. Alot of women my size are like F and G and whatever else big cup sizes they make. I guess that makes me sound like I don't like my boobies, but really...I love them. I think they are the perfect size for me. Big enough to be noticed but small enough to stay out of my way! I digress... Clothes are necessary but when I find those certain pieces that are cute and look right, they can be such a self-esteem boost. I just wish there were more stores that would offer plus sized options. There are so few really, at least for my size. I have three main stores I shop but would LOVE to be able to branch out. Guess that means I need to get back on the diet track and focus.
Then, Saturday night...the MIL stuck her nose into our world. The whole ordeal with her is completely ridiculous and I've just had my fill of it all. She sidelined me a few weeks back asking to, and I quote, "place little favor bags on the tables for each place setting". I agreed to let this fly even though I was not excited about it from the start. I told her that I was not a fan of wedding favors, which is why Jerry and I decided to save that money and spend it elsewhere. Well, turns out these LITTLE bags are BIGGER than my table centerpieces. They basically look like a brown paper lunch sack...only they are black paper instead of brown. EXTREMELY tacky and HUGE! On top of this, the MIL tells us that she has purchased glass photo coasters for favor gifts. This was something she never asked us about. Jerry was livid and as you all can imagine, so was I. He says, "she won't be having any of this stuff on our tables. it is tacky and inappropriate and I'm not having it". Guess what happened next....
A) Jerry tells his mom to take the favors and shove them up her ass.
B) Jerry let her have them.
Well if you guessed B then you are right on the money with how this whole thing works out. He tells her he doesn't want them, but because this woman is such an awesome person, erm I mean total bitch...she yells at him. He says well fine you can just have them in a basket or box for people to pick up. How is this going to be ANY different? The point was to NOT have them so the extremely tacky bags were not scattered all over tables full of our very expensive flower arrangements, taking up space and looking ridiculous.
I'm completely pissed and fed up. Not only with her but him as well. Why is this man so afraid of his mother? They both need for him to take charge and define their roles. He is NOT a baby and should be treated with respect. Even if she does not agree on what he wants...it's HIS wedding and she should respect the decisions he makes. I just don't know where to go from here. We are talking about calling the whole thing off and just running off to get married somewhere. It's been an awful ride and extremely taxing on our relationship. I want my life to be like Saturday, where we can just be us. We didn't talk about the wedding, didn't worry about anything but what WE wanted to do for the day. There was so much peace and comfort in that freedom. I suppose at this point I have to suffer through the day and remind myself I'm doing it for him and because it's too much money to give away and get nothing back from. Yet, that seems wrong. Maybe I'm just not supposed to win on this...maybe I should just take a back seat and deal with how things play out. All I really know is that I do NOT like the MIL. She is a nothing but a bitch who I would love to tell off and dis-invite to this wedding.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Early this week I really wasn't sure WHY I wanted to get married, but after my last conversation with Jerry I see that my heart was in the right place. I really don't think I wanted to get married for the wrong reasons...I do love him and I do want to spend my life with him. It was never because of convenience or because I'm getting older and just felt the need to settle. I really truly love him. Listening to him talk and open up over the previous days reminds me that inside this man is someone who has deep feelings, and although it is hard for him to open and share them, he really does love me and it wasn't his intention to hurt me. Together I believe we CAN go a long way, but this new found communication must continue so that we can be open and honest into our future. I know I have problems...how could I not? My world was turned upside down a long time ago and I'm only now figuring out how to deal with all that. It's a process, but one that is not Jerry's fault. I must learn to tell the difference between my own hurts and the other hurts I might feel in this life.
All that being said, I am still uneasy about what has happened between Jerry and myself. Still feel like more can be said and done to right the wrong and Jerry agrees. He is trying really hard to remind me that he loves me. Even tells me he 100% wants to marry me because he wants to spend his life by my side. I had a dream last night I was on a beach walking hand in hand with him, though looking down at our hands...they weren't our hands...they were much older and worn from use during a long life. I never saw his face in the dream; I didn't need to. It was him and we had made it through together. Even though it was only a dream I woke with a good feeling and hope for the future.