Hard Times

I haven't posted in awhile. Seems like my life is quite the train wreck right now. I'm doing my best to sort through and figure some things out, but everything is right on the brink of total destruction. I had my bachelorette party last weekend. Wasn't the exciting drunken affair that a lot of people do. I was not much in a bar mood so my girlfriends came and we went to get pedicures and had dinner and chilled with drinks at my house. We talked and laughed and relaxed and it was just exactly what I needed and wanted.

Jerry on the other hand, had a wild and crazy bachelor party the same night. I told him I was okay with him doing whatever he wanted but it was pretty much the biggest mistake I've made in a while. He and the boys ended their drunken night at the strip club and turns out that completely broke my heart. I know Jerry has been in the past, before we dated, and I was okay with that. So much so that I figured I could handle him going again but no...I'm a mess. There have been several events in my life over the previous weeks, in which Jerry has treated me with very little respect. The accumulation of all these things completely destroyed my faith in him as my future husband.

I have been in tears for days, going back and forth between I want to go forward and I want to call off the wedding. From reading most of my posts, many of you can figure out that this wedding isn't really what I dreamed of. That aside, its more about looking at the marriage verses the wedding. I was destroyed over the recent events and last night Jerry and I sought counseling from someone we trust. Tough questions were asked and answered and no decision was made on how to proceed. We are going to keep talking through the end of the week, spend the weekend together, and try to get back to the roots of why we are together. Monday will come and we will return to our counselor to decide together if we are both 100% set to be wed.

Yesterday, I did a good bit of thinking. I tried to look introspectively at myself and how my past affects the situation I'm currently in. I have had a rough road to travel, from a very young age. I was molested when I was about 4 or 5 and molested and raped when I was a bit older. It was a violent cycle complete with physical abuse during the second round of assaults. I was scared, alone, and quiet. I never told a soul of the abuse until I was much older. In high school I revealed some of my past to close friends but never my family. It haunted me each and every day. As I got finished with college and started to take on the real world I had a complete meltdown. I was depressed and anxious and had difficulty with normal day to day life. I finally tried to take a bunch of pills and wanted to die but Jerry and Goose were there to help. They spent one miserable night in the ER with me. I had my stomach pumped and was made to take charcoal, which is the least fun I've ever experienced. The next two days I spent in the psychiatric ward of a local hospital. Rock bottom you might say. Even then, I did not reveal my past. To top all this off, my father wasn't much of a role model. He had an affair on my mother and left when I was in high school to live with another woman. Two years later, he came back...but didn't really come back. He is still married to my mother but doesn't really have a married relationship with her. They basically live in separate sections of their home and do their best to co-exist. What either of them gets out of the relationship, I've yet to figure out. All I know is his infidelity messed me up even more.

Two years ago last summer I decided to open the book. I told my family and my friends and got counseling. I can sit here today and say I am not the same person. I relived the pain of the abuse and worked my way through each horrible memory. I have grown...no not just grown as a woman, I grew up into a woman. Until this week I thought my treatment was complete...that I was okay and was comfortable with Jerry, now I see that I am not. I tried to feel normal and wanted to believe despite all my past, I could trust Jerry 100%. I told Jerry it was okay to go to the club...only to find out mentally I am still the scared little girl who gets hurt so easily. I am feeling pain I didn't realize was still inside. As I talk with my friends, family, and counselor I am learning this pain is more about me, than about him. I have to figure out how to let it go, figure out how to not be insecure about this.

It is a tough reality for me. An awakening of sorts. Why is it we can feel so normal, yet have so much hidden inside? Ultimately the decision to move forward with the marriage and wedding lays in my hands. It is a lot of pressure and I feel bad asking Jerry to go through more hard times with me as I realize I really need additional counseling and treatment for my inner demons. But then again Jerry isn't perfect either. I think we both have a lot we can learn, even from each other....if he would just open up his real feelings to me a bit more. Now yes, I realize...Jerry is a "man". But if we are going to make this thing called marriage last, its going to take devotion and work from both ends. Ugh, I'm just so distraught and sad, yet I really don't want to feel like that. I want to forgive and forget, but I just don't quite know how to let go of all the little hurts I feel. I do love him...that is one thing I know. He makes me happy most of the time....but it's the "most", which scares me. Where do I go from here.....?

My mother is the best!

I just have to share with my blogger friends how awesome my mother is. This past Sunday was my bridal shower, which was a very awesome party. Everyone, including the MIL and myself were on good behavior and it was a very pleasant afternoon. I got showered with tons of gifts, which seems weird to me but I'm happy to accept them none-the-less. But there is one gift that means more than all the rest. My parents were not supposed to give me anything for the wedding, as they helped me and Jerry at the beginning of the year with part of our house down payment. Apparently my mother decided I needed a keepsake of this major event in my life and she put some major thought into what to get me. What she created was not only beautiful but very special. She bought me a Brighton brand bracelet. It has lots of beads/charms on it, which she individually chose. There are pink, green, and orange charms to represent the colors of our wedding. There are charms with lots of bling to represent my love of bling and shiny things. There is a charm with daisies on it for those are the flowers we are using and then there is one with hearts on it to represent mine and Jerry's love. It's just super beautiful and was so thoughtful. I already really cherish it, and am even wearing it while I sit in my PJ's! She is really a one of a kind woman and I am SUPER blessed to get to call her my Mom. So here is a shout out to the best woman I know. I love you Momma!!

Tell me more...

I think today is going to be a tell me more Thursday. I haven't shared alot about myself to this point but figured I might as well add in some more personal info. I am a nurse, though I don't feel like one as I have been out of direct patient care for nearly two years now. Two years has not been long enough for me to forget the reasons why I ran away from it. Nurses work hard. It's a physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually draining profession. Not that it is not rewarding, it is. Nothing beats having people tell you what a wonderful job you do and how much they appreciate your craft...and of course when you really do something that makes a difference to people, it can't help but touch your soul. I do miss those rewards. Miss the patient contact. I don't miss the politics in the job or the constant lack of support from co-workers. Nursing is a field where you MUST be independent and learn to adapt quickly. I had a very rough start to my career, which sadly wasn't that long ago. I graduated at the end of 2003, and passed nursing boards in early 2004.

I took my first job straight out of school, and started as a "graduate nurse" on a very busy telemetry floor. Telemetry is basically a cardiac unit. The heart has always intrigued and interested me and I loved learning how to monitor and treat heart problems. It was fast paced and scary. To this day, I am glad that I learn quick because I wouldn't have survived as long as I did otherwise. I worked this telemetry job for 7 months before becoming so exhausted and burned out that I had to step away. What caused this exhaustion you might ask? Typically, as a graduate nurse, you work side by side with an experienced RN. Their job is to slowly integrate you into the real world of nursing, starting off small and gradually building you up until you are comfortable and efficient at handling a full patient load. See, during the time you are a graduate nurse, nursing boards or the NCLEX, are ever looming in your mind. You work full time and study full time to prepare for the exam. Needless to say, it is a very stressful time in the life of a nurse.

I began this job in January of 2004 and I met my preceptor RN during a gathering of graduate nurses. At that time I felt like I was in good hands; however, my first day of work painted a VERY different picture. This RN showed me the floor, where things were located, how to work different equipment...things I had never used during my time in school. Then.....she gave me a FULL load of patients and left me alone to fend for myself. There is an old saying in nursing, which is, "Nurses eat their young". Yes, yes they do! I was scared and alone! I tried my best to organize and prioritize. I was passing meds, pushing IV drugs, hanging blood...the works; all before I was even legally allowed to do it. At the end of each shift my preceptor would pull my charts and sign off on all the work I had done, never bothering to check it for mistakes. I was a nervous wreck. Many of my friends from nursing school also worked at this same facility. They were all in different units of the hospital but at lunch I would sit and listen to each of them rave over how awesome their "training" was going. I felt lost and sad and scared and had no clue how to handle the situation.

This was me on a daily basis....

Yea, it sucked but I kept going. I learned how to fly when I barely had wings. It was tough, but I managed for awhile. Over time, things became more difficult for me. The stress was making me anxious and depressed and I was physically sick from it. Enough was enough and I finally spoke up. I went to my boss and asked for a transfer. Told her telemetry was not the right fit for me. I was moved to an orthopedic unit and fell into a similar pattern. Years later I realized it happened because I was a good nurse. I understood how to prioritize and get things done. I just let the fear of doing things wrong consume me and it was a big downfall. After that I moved around alot, my personal life was a wreck and my professional life suffered. I got to where I hated nursing and wanted nothing to do with it. This was a problem since that was where my education was. I lost job after job after job and to this day I cannot figure out why people kept hiring me. Just shows how much demand there is for nursing professionals.

Almost two years ago, I had a bit of luck fall my way. I was unemployed and broke sitting at home trying to figure out what to do with myself. I went through some counseling to clear up my personal life and was ready to move on professionally. An Internet search led me to the job I currently have. I am now a medical writer. It required a nursing degree but is anything but nursing. I work from the comfort of home on an online server. I review medical records and write narratives. It is repetitive but really work I enjoy. The records I read are very interesting and as they are all work comp related, there is some pretty tragic things within. Though I don't get the reward of feeling like I'm helping people, I love what I do and the other benefits really outweigh anything I ever experienced as a floor nurse.

Now that I am two years out of the physical nursing side I wonder about going back to it. I don't think I've really been away long enough to miss it, and my job has not gotten boring yet. I have promised myself that some day I will go back into it though and sometimes think about when that time will be. I just don't know.

WTF

Okay, why why why are people stupid? I sent out a card with my wedding invitations, which gives directions to the church and reception hall from the north, south, east, and west. WHY then when I get RSVP's, do I have people writing on the card..."I need directions please"! WTF, I already gave them to you along with the address of these places. How about you use your brain and read instead of asking me to waste MORE time to re-send you something I already sent you! My town isn't that big...just google it, you will find it. ORRRRRR, get out a damn atlas and look for yourself!

IDIOTS!

It's hump day!!!!????

Why on earth do we say that anyway? Wednesday is hump day. Yes, I realize it's mid week so we are over the first half and starting to come into the end but seriously...am I the only one who thinks of "hump" in a completely different way? Every week on Wednesday we have a staff meeting and inevitably someone will mention hump day. Immediately, the 13 year old perverted girl in my brain starts laughing. Then I sit for 20 minutes and ponder why we say this phrase.

So anyway, I don't have much to talk about today. I'm basically just going through the motions of the week. Seems like the week is going slow but then again it is hump day so I'm half way there. LOL! God I'm a goof. It is such a wonderful thing to have a 4 day work week though!

This weekend is my bridal shower. I'm very excited and anxious all at the same time. My bridesmaids, who I love beyond belief, are throwing the shower for me. I KNOW it will be a beautiful affair with people who I care about. The MIL will be present, which makes me a bit anxious. I always worry she will say or do something hurtful. I'm pretty sure if she even thinks about opening her mouth, one of my Matron's of honor will kill her right then and there. The thought of how much support I have from everyone else has made me stop and think about things. I really believe everyone is right, I'm being overly critical and worried over the MIL and her actions. I'm ready to cut loose and enjoy things and make this MY DAY from here on in. I should have kept this attitude from the start and never let anyone make me miserable. 4.5 weeks are left, I am making it my goal to make each of them good and happy and to re-gain the closeness with my future husband. We have grown distant because of the mess this has become, which makes no sense. WE are the reason for the wedding and it is our time to show exactly what we mean to one another. So sad, we let these things push us apart. I'm pretty ashamed to realize this now.

On a completely random note, I've been thinking alot about getting a new hair-do after the wedding. Last year at this time I had super short hair. I loved it short, it was easy to maintain and I was constantly getting compliments on it. Jerry missed my long locks though and asked if I would mind growing it out for our wedding day. Last October I started the process and it has been a LONG ordeal. Anyone who has gone through this remembers the stages you go through and how it never quite does what you want it to do...nor does it grow fast enough to please you. But, I've hung in there with it for almost a year now and it did grow. It is now down to my shoulders in layers but I've not had many layers put in because that would have totally defeated the idea of growing it out. As such, this leaves me with absolutely zero style. I HATE it! I am having the top have put up and lots of curls added for the wedding, which I hope I like...don't have the trial run for 3.5 more weeks. Anyway, as there is no style...I want something new for after the wedding. I'm looking for suggestions and ideas from anyone and everyone. Here are a few things you have to keep in mind though. I would like to keep some of my length, not really ready to go back super short again. I have very thin hair and a big face. (I'm a big gal remember). I like funky and fun cuts and am not afraid to try things. I want something that won't make me look like an old woman but not a teen either. Was thinking of maybe an inverted bob. Any suggestions?

Moody Monday

Man I think everything is just taking its toll on me. I am so dang moody today. I sure hope it passes by the end of the day. I have my wedding gown fitting tonight and right in this moment am in no mood to deal with it. Do you ever get like that? Just can't get excited about doing what needs done, even when it's important. I should be thrilled to go for my fitting and should be excited that it means we are moving ever closer to the final day. But I am just tired, crabby, sad, tearful, worried, anxious. Nothing that screams "excited or thrilled". I find myself praying alot these days. I just keep hoping the wedding will be beautiful and run smooth and I will have the time of my life. All the while I worry that it will be the biggest upset of all. I feel distant from everyone right now, even Jerry...who I should be growing ever closer to. I'm just in a funk I suppose. Maybe because it's Monday, maybe because of the stress, maybe because I'm just letting all this bother me when it shouldn't.

This weekend we had one of our groomsmen back out on us. He is out of work and has been for some time. 6 months in fact. He was out of work when Jerry asked him to be a part of our day, but never indicated he wouldn't be able to attend due to money. Here we are 5 weeks away. Jerry called him Saturday to check in on if he had gotten his tux measurements. He said he was getting them done today. Sunday we got a text message saying he was broke and wasn't going to do it. Whatever happened to good communication? Jerry and this man have been friends since childhood, grew up right down the street from one another. Yet, he cannot even pick up the phone to tell him this news. Very sad.

The biggest bummer is that I spent two full 10 hour days making our wedding programs, which now contain the name of someone who is no longer a part of this day. What a waste!!!

This is yet another setback in the journey and I've just grown so bitter. Why am I feeling angry about all this and why can't I just let it be? All these things are bothering me all the way through to my core. I can't overlook the comments and the actions of my friends and family. I want to just run away from all this and not deal with it. Thankfully, Jerry came up with a quick solution to our groomsmen issue and we have it resolved (aside from the program disaster). I'm fighting hard to pull myself out of all this and regain some sanity. I just hope I figure out how to get through this before it gets any worse.

9/11....Where were you?

Well, I figured since today is 9/11 I should put behind me the petty MIL BS and take some time to reflect. Today I think about all those people who lost lives as well as those who lost parents, children, friends, etc. It was a most horrific thing and though I do not live near NYC, it hit me hard all the same. Where were you that day? 8 years have passed but I remember it like it was yesterday. I doubt there is a single person who doesn't remember where they were when they heard the news.

I was in my first semester of nursing school. My first semester away from home and meeting new people. I was 21 years old and having the time of my life. The summer previous to going away to school, my family took summer vacation out east. Among our stops, NYC. I can still remember how I felt the first time I came out out of the train station. I was overwhelmed and amazed. I am not a country girl, but have never been surrounded by big city life like that before. I learned quickly I would never survive on my own and was thankful it was merely a vacation. To this day, I remember the way the streets smelled, the sound of cars passing by you as you walked the streets. Never will forget how impressed I was with much of the architecture and the mere grandiosity of the city. It was a wonderful vacation but I have no desire to return to the city.

On the morning of 9/11 I got up early for my 8am class. Did my usual routine, shower, dress etc. As I opened my closet to choose a shirt, I came across a shirt I had picked up in NYC that summer. I held the shirt in my hand and started the the letters across the front...N-Y-C. My stomach did a little turn. I found it odd and started thinking more deeply. Something told me it was going to be important for me to wear that shirt. I had not worn it since before moving away so it was kind of unusual that I would choose it. I put it on, finished gathering my supplies and headed out the dorm door. As I was walking across campus that day, something was just nagging at me. I didn't know what it was at the time and brushed it aside.

As I entered my class, I gathered with my new friends and talked about what we were going to be doing in class that day. Our teacher was a real hard ass. To this day, she is the rudest teacher I have ever encountered. She never smiled, never joked, never allowed anyone to relax and enjoy the learning process. As she entered our classroom she had a look on her face that I will NEVER forget. It was fear and sorrow all rolled up into one look. She looked tired and confused. I think everyone in the room knew something terrible was wrong. She was quiet a minute and finally announced that class was cancelled. She asked us as a class to go to our university center and find the big screen TV. Confusion hit all of us. She said something terrible was happening to our nation...and like a flash, she was gone. We all moved to the TV and not a single word was said. I sat with my classmates that day in total awe of the situation. We sat 2 hours without saying a word. Finally, as we started to separate and head home a friend saw my shirt. She could not believe her eyes! I, of course, finally understood the reason for my turned stomach earlier in the morning. I explained my story to my friends and we were all in shock. I spend the rest of the day in my dorm room with an entire wing of new friends sitting crammed around my 13 inch TV. It was a bonding moment for us. Some talked, some said nothing, some cried, some couldn't take the horror and left.

I will never forget that feeling when I saw that big TV and what had happened. Never forget what it was like to see that second plane hit that tower. Never forget those images, which played and re-played for so long. It was tragic and awful and no....WE WILL NEVER FORGET!

GOD BLESS AMERICA! And thank you to all those troops who continue the fight to keep us safe.

Thirsty Thursday

I was just sitting here thinking about drinking. Well, really I'm quite thirsty this morning and for no real reason. As I sat a big glass of ice water by my side but I decided Thirsty Thursday was a good topic to discuss. I can tell you about all the kinds of drinks I enjoy, which includes adult and non-adult beverages.

Water is a big one for me. I drink ALOT of the stuff every day, which I guess is one good thing I've got going for me.



Another drink I love is tea in both the iced and hot forms. Iced in the summer, hot in the winter. It's a soothing beverage and in my opinion tastes quite different depending on drinking it hot or cold. Cold, I prefer it with splenda and maybe some lemon. Hot, gimme splenda and honey!


Soda...while I don't drink the stuff very often. You absolutely cannot go wrong with a nice cold Mountain Dew from time to time. Even better is a fountain Mt. Dew.

So now to the serious drinks. I am a beer and whiskey kind of gal. You cannot EVER go wrong with a nice cold beer on a hot summer day. Of course, you also can't go wrong with a nice cold beer on a cold winter day. Haha, basically beer is universal. You can drink it anytime, anywhere, and for no reason at all. My personal favorites happen to be of the dark variety.

But others I enjoy include...







My list could go on forever really. I'm not a fan of most ale beers but can handle them every now and then. Wheat beers are also up there on my list, they are pretty easy drinking and usually have a nice flavor.

Whiskey wise it all depends on how I'm drinking it. If I'm going to mix it, I will be happy to drink almost any variety no matter how cheap. If I'm going to shoot it or drink it on the rocks, I prefer a better quality, but still am not super picky. Of course this guy is my favorite....

What kind of drinks to you all enjoy? I'm always interested in trying things I've never had before, though I more often than not stick to what I like. I'm not a real regular drinker so might as well get the good stuff when I'm at it...right?

The Guest List

The guest list has been an ongoing fight, nearly from day one. We are less than six weeks from the wedding and the fight is ever ongoing. I honestly believe it will continue to be a topic of conversation and argument until the wedding day, with my luck it will continue even after the wedding. I have always envisioned my wedding as a very small and private affair. Never considered having the big blow out party that so many people have these days. I never imagined a sit down meal, never imagined a DJ with dancing, never considered having a bar. Not that I don't have fun when I go to weddings with these features, it's just not something I ever really wanted. Jerry, on the other hand, wants a huge party. Lots of drinking, eating, and dancing. Obviously, we had to draw the line somewhere and we had to try and accommodate both of our wishes. We spent many nights laying in bed throwing out numbers and hashing out what was a fair compromise on both ends. I agreed to the dinner, DJ, and bar....he agreed to cut the amount of people invited. We finally had a reasonable number and started planning from this number. Everything you do when planning a wedding depends on the number of guests you have. Table decorations, invitations, cake, food, favors, etc. The list really goes on and on.

As we started to make our guest list we quickly learned how large our families are. The list was nearly full on family alone. This suited me and Jerry agreed to add only a small handful of our friends to the list. We passed this information along to our parents, to keep them informed of our plans. My family took the news in stride but the future MIL did not. She and my FIL had a very large wedding and as they told us, "we have a large number of friends who we will be inviting". Jerry and I discussed this in private and both agreed to stick to our original plan. After all, it was our wedding and we should do what we wanted. Jerry called his folks and told them this news, of course they were not satisfied. Mainly the MIL was not happy with our decision. Remember when I told you Jerry had not "grown a set"...well this again comes into play. His mother is quite the manipulator and eventually had Jerry on her side working against me. I was growing tired of the fight and agreed to allow additional people to the list.

Weeks passed and the planning went on. As the costs started adding up, Jerry began to ask questions and wanted to know why everything was so pricey. I explained how the number of people we invite increased the total cost on nearly everything. He did not like this as we are paying for almost everything on our own. He began to see just how expensive the wedding was going to become. As such, he pulled me aside and said he was going to have his parents cut down their friends list. See, my family is extremely large, and my parents only added 4 friends. Jerry's parents had a larger list of friends than family. So after some discussion, we set the number for them to remove from the list.

Once again, he is on the phone with the MIL who, from two rooms away, I can hear screaming at him. She is insane with anger. She calls us anti-social, stubborn, spoiled...several different names. Now, I am 30 years old and Jerry is 29 so we are not children. I'm not even a young bride who is "trying" to be a pain or rebel. I simply want what I want and since Jerry and I are paying for it, we want it to be a special day for us. Anyway, the names are flying and she informs him that, "the wedding is not even fun anymore" and proceeds to hang up on him. We laugh it off and carry on with our plans. Days later, Jerry's father calls to "discuss" this change with him. It is obvious the MIL has had words with FIL and FIL gets roped into calling Jerry to push MIL's wants. Anyway, FIL tells Jerry that we WILL do what THEY want because THEY have to show the people of the small town where they live a good time. Jerry does not want to fight with FIL but does try and explain that is is OUR money paying for this and its not what WE want. I listen from the sidelines as the argument goes in circles. The FIL offers to pay for the extra costs and we say no. Jerry and I like having control over what our day will be and with that comes the responsibility of footing the bill. Conversation ends with nothing resolved.

I get angry and say ultimately it is our decision, we are the ones sending the invites so tell them to get us the address of all they want to invite and we will simply cut it down ourselves. Jerry understands this is not the adult way or the right way to handle the situation and agrees to force the issue with them to resolve the dispute. I sit on the sidelines while 2 more phone conversations take place. Both of these involve Jerry talking with the MIL and FIL together. The MIL even wants to come to our home, which is two hours from them, so we can talk about it in person. I am so red with rage at this point and Jerry realizes a personal visit would NOT be a good decision on his part. He avoids the topic and tries to keep arguing his case. Again, it becomes a circular conversation. Bamboo and I don't want this....why....because we don't....well that's not a reason...well we don't have to tell you more than this....yes you do. On and on it goes. Finally on at the end of the 4th call about this, nothing is resolved and the conversation is about to end. I completely lose my mind. I run, pick up the second phone and completely blow up at my future in-laws. I have been sitting back, biting my tongue since day one and now I am so angry I unleash weeks of frustration and anger in 30 minutes. I try and be nice initially and explain how it is not our wishes to have a big wedding. They don't hear it. I then explain how my wishes were to have no reception at all, they still don't hear it. Finally, I have to get rude and basically tell them, "we are paying for it, this is the way it is, I'm sorry if you don't like it but it's not your choice".

Well, there is a catch to all of this. See, the in-laws are paying for part of the wedding. We decided a catered meal was going to be too expensive for us and we let them know we weren't going to do it. We decided to have small sandwich trays and finger foods instead. They would not have it and insisted on paying for catering. By doing this MIL thinks they are paying for the MAJORITY of the wedding costs. In reality they aren't even paying for a quarter of what it is costing us to have this wedding. So MIL tells me we will do what they want since they are paying for it. I explain to MIL how they are paying for a small part, which was their choice to do as we did not ask for it nor want it. She gets even hotter with anger to hear me say this. I explain how I would be happy to show them the bills for all the other costs of the wedding to prove this but she won't hear it. In the end, we have a shouting match and I win....or so I thought.

MIL, who asked you?

My fiance' and I had a BBQ at our house over the weekend. We had our bridal party and families come as we needed to have our "guys" go for a round of tux fittings at the bridal shop. Most of our wedding party is made up of family members so basically we just had a big family BBQ with it. Of course, this meant my future MIL was here. I can't tell you how much FUN I had. Within an hour I was wishing I could stick forks in my eyeballs just to have an excuse to get the hell out of my own party! Anyway, this BBQ reminded me I need to move along on my blog with the MIL story.

So on I go....

As time passed after our engagement and after getting through my brothers wedding last year, I decided it was finally time to start getting serious about wedding plans. I though a good place to start was to look for my gown. Now, I am plus sized...no I'm a BIG woman. Have been my entire life. Tried diet after diet after diet, you know...alot of us have been there. Things may work for awhile but then I re-gain etc. Same old story everyone tells. Anyway, yes I am big. It does not take away from who I am. Jerry fell in love with me despite all this and I think all in all I'm a good and decent person, which obviously my size has nothing to do with. I only tell you this because it does influence the story somewhat.

As I began wedding gown shopping I found out extremely quickly, the wedding industry does NOT cater to plus sized women. It was very difficult to find shops that carried my size on the rack to try on. The first place I went I was treated very rudely, and at the time I didn't realize how rude they were. Let's just say, when I went back to the same place with a friend who was trying on dresses, I got to first hand see the difference. Anyway, it was a difficult journey. I was determined to find something at a "reasonable" price. Ha, I laugh at it now because that was not even an option for me. I did most of the searching alone as I was a bit embarrassed going in shop after shop to be told they could "order" something for me, but the "order" meant I had to purchase. Why on earth do I want to pay 1000 bucks for a dress I've never tried on? It just seemed so unfair. Luckily, I found a shop with dresses in my size. I went the first time alone and found several I liked. Of course, I had my mother come down and shop with me after that and then I settled on THE ONE! I did have to order it, which was fine since I knew I loved it on my body. For all of you who have been married, you know the excitement and joy of finding your wedding gown. It's a special time in your life and that gown is very important, more than I realized I suppose. So, I ordered the gown and took the designer book with the picture so I could show everyone what dress I had chosen.

Fairly soon after this even, my future MIL was visiting and asking about my gown hunt. I told her I had just found the one I loved and it was ordered. She asked to see a picture of it and this is what I showed her (yes this is my gown) only it is ivory trimmed in fuchsia pink. Anyway, as I showed her the picture and explained that the trim color was pink, the real MIL came out to crush my joy. The very first comment she made was related to my color choice. Now pink is what I consider my signature color. I have loved it my whole life! But, my MIL tells me I need to "call that bridal shop and have your order changed, you need to wear all white and get that color taken off of there." I say, what?! You have to be kidding, the entire reason I chose this dress was BECAUSE I wanted to wear pink! She explains, "wearing ivory and pink looks....well bad, a bride should wear white to look proper". I am crushed, and thinking she is nuts. I was not going to re-order my dress for anyone! After all it was MY dress. I say very little to her all the while thinking to myself, lady...I've been sleeping with your son for the last 6 years...there is no need for me to wear white!

Anyway, I stand in silence unsure of how to approach it. I start to close the book when she exclaims, "I sure hope you are planning on wearing a jacket or shawl as well, you are to big to wear a sleeveless dress". Again, my heart drops. How can this woman be saying this to me? After all, her son fell in love with me for who I am and not my size. I was crushed and angry and instead of telling her off, I simply close the book and walk away. Nothing more is said about the dress until....this weekend! As last week passed the MIL called to asked to see my gown. I already knew some of my bridesmaids wanted to see it as well. I decided I wanted to show my girls the dress as I knew they would be supportive and happy for me. Since the MIL was here, I showed her as well. At the bridal shop, where my gown is being held, I slip into my dress with butterflies in my stomach, remembering the harsh words this woman said to me so many months before. Will she be supportive this time, will she decided it is a beautiful gown, or will it be the same old story as before? As I walk out of the room, my mother and bridesmaids smile in the most heartfelt and loving way possible. Tears in my mother's eyes let me know how much she cares and how proud she is of me in that moment. I look at the MIL...and there is nothing. No emotion, no words...nothing. As I stand and look in the mirror while my girls laugh and take photo's by my side to remember the moment...MIL says no words at all. Finally she asks, "where is your veil"? I tell her I am wearing a tiara but no veil. She gives me a look, which tells me she believes this to be inappropriate as well. She immediately goes to the rack of veils trying to pick one out. My mother shakes her head and tells me she is happy I am not wearing a veil, it doesn't suit my style. So I ignore the MIL and return to the dressing room to redress. I fight with all my might to hold back the tears. Despite how much I do not want to care what this woman thinks...I cannot help but hurt and feel ugly in this moment. She has ruined this for me and has made me believe I will not be a beautiful bride. No woman should be made to feel like this for her wedding. What is wrong with her?

Fingernail polish...weird stuff

So I was having a conversation with Goose yesterday about fingernail polish. And just have to...well I dunno if it's venting, but sorta rant about how it works/doesn't work.

-Why does the damn stuff take FOREVER to dry on your fingernails, but dries rather quickly on your toes?

-In the same token, why does it dry fast on acrylic fingernails but not on your real nails?

-Why in the heck does it chip off so quickly on your fingernails, but not on your toenails and why does it not chip off at all on acrylic nails?

I think about this stuff and realize the polish is the real reason of my problems! I can grow my regular nails out, can shape them and make them look beautiful. I can paint them and do my own art on them; HOWEVER, the polish never survives the first day I wear it. Even if I put a thousand layers of top coat on to "seal it in", the polish still ends up on the floor somewhere in chips and chunks. This means I just spent 2 hours pampering my nails and making them beautiful for them to look totally disgusting within a matter of hours. Where does that leave me....pissed off and frustrated. Maybe this is a plot by the nail industry to get us to spend tons of money because when I get frustrated enough I go get acrylics, which are not cheap, so that I can have my pretty polish and pretty art, which I can wear for two weeks without worry of how it looks. Just seems like there should be an easier way! In the meantime I'll keep going to the nail salon, pay my 15 bucks and carry on. Rant over.

:)

She drives me crazy.....

OOOOHH OHHH. Sorry, couldn't help myself. Happy Thursday everyone! I love Thursdays...why you might ask, well because for me Thursday is Friday. HUH? To you it might not make sense; however, once I explain you will understand. I work a 4 day work week, 10 hour days, M-Th. So, at the end of Thursday, I can party like a rock star...or well just be glad work is done for the week. I do like to party some though, seems like it's been ages since my last round of fun though. My fiance', who I shall call Jerry (and no that is not his real name), and I have been very busy preparing for the up and coming wedding. On top of that mess, we bought our first home at the beginning of 2009 and have been overloaded with work to improve it. Needless to say, we have not had time to actually enjoy life or our friends, who I'm sure are going insane since we are always busy! SORRY GOOSE :( On the flip side, the wedding and home projects are nearing an end and all the hard work has made Jerry and I quite happy. Once the middle of October comes and goes we are on a project hiatus and ready to live it up with our neglected friends. YAY!

So what about all this MIL stuff you might wonder? Well I have been dating Jerry for 6 and a half years. I've been exposed to this woman since the very beginning of that time, in fact I spent Easter with his family only weeks after we had started dating. At that time, I was in college and a good bit younger so I don't know if I simply overlooked the way she is or I was just stupid and thought this crap was normal. I should have realized I was in for an awakening, the signs were all there! The stories of her are long and drawn out and must be told in chronological order to give you the full effect of her insanity. I will give you a glimpse into this but then may have to make separate posts to tell the tale. Much like Mango girl does with her island adventure story, which by the way I am completely in love with!

After getting engaged in April of 2008, the future MIL would call me nearly every day to "discuss" the wedding. Jerry and I knew from when we got engaged we wouldn't have the actual wedding until the fall of 2009. That was a year and a half away! No need to start the planning until closer to time. These calls went on for what seemed like forever, though looking back it was only a few months. (yes still longer than necessary) See, my younger brother was getting married in October of 2008. So for my family, all discussion was focused on his up and coming day. That was fine by me, and was a good excuse to get the MIL off my back. I put my wedding on the back burner and as the Maid of Honor in his wedding, I was plenty busy to keep my mind occupied. The day of his wedding, my future MIL was asked to video the wedding and reception. My Grandmother was not in good health, yet wanted to be a part of the wedding. The video was done so she could see him get married and turned out to be such a wonderful thing as she passed away in January of this year. Anyway, during his reception, the MIL comes to me and insists we take and utilize my brother and new sister's decorations for our reception. She explains, "it would be silly not to use them"; however, she never stopped to consider they DIDN'T BELONG TO US! On top of this, the decorations were not at all what I envisioned for my day. My brothers wedding was beautiful and very fall themed with reds and oranges and browns. Not my style at all! I explained to her, that I would not be doing the same theme as him and had a very different image in my mind of how our wedding and reception would look. She, would not hear it and completely ignored that I had explained I was not interesting in using them. She even asked the bride if she could have the decorations including the 50 cent table covers at the end of the night so that we could re-use them. Luckily, my mother was standing there and put a halt to it, explaining that the decorations were the property of the brides aunt and that they were not, "Bamboo's style". By the end of the night, my future MIL had not only annoyed and angered me, she had also managed to piss off the bride and groom as well as my mother. I should have realized then there would be more drama, fight, and headache to come. Why on earth didn't I pay attention!???

Now, I'm sure some of you wonder...where was Jerry in all this? Well, Jerry is a couple of years younger than me and has apparently not "grown a set" to this day. He is terrified of his mother and cares not to argue with her but rather to let her have her way. He figures this is easier and causes less headache. More to come on this topic in the future.

So there you have it, the beginning of a good drama. The characters are all there and sadly enough, this is my reality. As the wedding is still six weeks away, there is obviously more nightmare to come my way. I am interested to hear if anyone else out there has an MIL from hell and how you handle her. I'll be hoping for more comments and suggestions as I dive deeper into the story but I'm interested to hear what you think at this point?

Check back for the next part of the series!

Let the blogging begin...

Well hello blogger world! I am brand new to this cyber "vent" fest, though I must admit I have become a reader over the last weeks. My best friend Goose, who recently started her blog, "What's good for the Goose" has peaked my interest in joining into the blog community. Recently Goose and I have discussed that I have some interesting stories to share. Hopefully I can find a group of people to take this blogging journey with me and follow this blog. I am going to try and be a daily blog writer; however, my life is very busy and there will be days where the blog takes a back seat to other things. Just the way of the world I suppose. Alot of what is going on in my life right now involves my up and coming wedding. The wedding is in October, which I am only partially excited for. I love my fiance' very much but his mother has caused quite a bit of strife in our lives. Lets just say that she didn't get the memo that the mother-in-law (MIL) gets little to no say in the actually wedding event. As the old saying goes, "the mother of the groom wears beige and shuts the hell up". My future MIL is completely insane and her ideas are...well, some describe them as "nutso". What should have been the best time in my life, has turned into a nightmare that is hard to describe. I will get into greater details of her insanity later in my blog journey. For now, I just want to say hello to you all!