Thinking about the past...and the future

So last year at this time I was sitting in my small overcrowded apartment dreaming of the day I would get to have my own home, my own space, my own everything. Little did I know that a few short weeks away that dream would come reality and I would get to start work on my very own place. Here I sit a year later thinking back to the long process it took to get to this day. We are not close to being "finished" with this house but it is wild to think about how far we have come in such a short time. Much work, dedication, and love has gone into creating this thing I call my home. I can still picture in my head what it was like that first day we walked in the door. The walls were white and bare, the floors new and shiny, the curtains and shades old and worn. Such contrasting features it had. This house sat empty on the market for nearly two years as the couple who once called it home aged and slowly faded out of this world. Jared and I, a young couple just getting started on our life journey together, stepped in to pick up where they left off. That old couple lived most of their lives right here, raised a family, cared for one another. I think alot about that and how we are living our lives. I feel like we take pride in this home and in a weird way, maybe that makes me feel like we are honoring those who lived here before us. Though we never got to meet them or know them, our neighbors speak highly of the old couple. I like to think they can look down at their old place and see it is still well cared for and loved.

So anyway, thinking about where I was this time last year gets me thinking about where I will be this time next year. What dreams do I have now that I didn't have then. What dreams do I still dream that have yet to be reached? Hard work got us to this home. We got focused and had a goal set and we made it. I have so many other things in my life I want to do, goals to meet. Some easy, some hard, and some I feel like I will never attain. Why is that? Why should some seem so easy and some not reachable at all?

I dream of creating a family for this home. We would outgrow these walls very quickly but that is a different bridge to cross. Right now I dream of the sound of a baby, the smell and feel of soft skin, the joy of being a mother. This dream...I am so unsure if I will reach. I know it is not in the cards for this year but when I look back at this time next year will it be time? I have a huge barrier standing before me. I know at the weight I am, pregnancy is not only likely not possible to achieve, but extremely risky to the health of myself and a child if it were to happen.

I dream of a day when I can be comfortable in my body. Dream not to be thin but to FEEL GOOD and know I'm healthy. I have been on this roller coaster of diets in the past and it's like everyone says, diets don't work. Lifestyle change is what I need, but how? Where do I start? What resources do I use? I am lost. I've got a great support system with friends and family who dream the same dream I do. They want to see me healthy and happy and free from this burden that has weighed me down my whole life. Yet, I can't seem to figure this out for myself. This is my demon. I sit and think I REALLY want to be different yet at night I sit in my chair instead of going to the gym. I feel like this is an insurmountable mountain to climb. Like I have tried to conquer this thing for nearly my whole life and all I accomplish is failure. So, since every single time I've tried it has ended in failure; then why try? Yet, it holds me back. I can't do the things I want to do, can't really be who I want to be. I cheat not only myself but everyone I know. I am not the wife, friend, daughter, sister I want to be. The people most important in my life deserve more out of me than what they get.

How do I stop feeling sorry for myself and actually get past it? I have looked into surgical options. I am an excellent candidate for bypass; however, I have insurance that refuses to pay for obesity related treatments. Not even treatment with a dietitian. How sad is that? So, as surgery is about 25,000 bucks, it is not an option for me to pay this out of pocket.

The Biggest Loser? Yes, I have thought long and hard about wanting to sign up for this show. I do feel like I could be a good choice for them. I have a deep dark history, a good story some might say. Is it enough for them to choose me as a contestant? It's like a one in a million shot. Even if I did apply and beat out other people and be chosen to participate, where does that leave my job? my husband? house? etc? It would be like going away knowing I am going to lose everything I've worked hard for. My husband could not pay the mortgage without my income; so how could I know this and drop everything to leave for months. What would I be coming home to? Plus, not everyone gets to be gone 3 months. What if I give up my job to go and get voted off the first week? Then I'm left with nothing and will have nothing to show for it!

What are other choices? Pay out of pocket for a nutritionist and personal trainer. These don't really work on my budget either. I am feeling helpless, hopeless, scared. I wish lightening would strike and empower me and show me the way to fix this. Even the thought of death is not enough to "scare" me to change. What a loser this makes me and how I hate myself for thinking that I am less scared to die than to try! "When there is a will there is a way." Really? I don't see it.

And the worst part of all this is that friends/family just don't "get it." They see it from one side. The side that says, just get off your fat lazy ass and go to the gym, stop eating, stop thinking...just do it. It just isn't that simple. I have a real problem here! I CAN'T just stop eating. I wish alcohol or drugs were the problem, I can live without those. But food, I HAVE to eat. So enough of my "pity party" they say. But they don't have to feel the things I do each day. Don't feel how much it hurts to go to the gym, to be hungry. Don't understand the internal pain and turmoil I feel with even thinking about letting go of this fat. How shedding pounds is forcing me to let go of a "protection" I have created for myself and how letting go of that is scary and difficult. Maybe I will never win against all these demons. Maybe it will just be like this for me until it kills me. Regardless of all this, I still dream the dream of health for the year ahead.

What are your dreams?