Monday, January 18, 2010

Looking ahead

Well, obviously from my last post one should be able to tell things in my life haven't been all that wonderful since getting married. I don't know what the reasoning but Jared and I have had a huge disconnect since our big day. A week ago I was pretty sure it wasn't going to last. I was pretty sure I didn't want to stick around to watch the rest of the deconstruction of our lives. We spent a few days avoiding one another and not talking, but finally the silence had to be broken. I forced the issues and we spent several long night talking through some things. I'm not saying we are "fixed" or "perfect", but at least we are both "trying" to stay on the right track. I suppose trying is really all anyone can ever do.

Last week was a bad week for me in so many ways. Going through the tough times with Jared, but also my own personal battles. I reached a point where I just suddenly realized I have to do something about being overweight. I know it's grown to this life threatening problem and see I have to make some hard decisions. I have previously tried to get gastric bypass surgery approved by my insurance company, but to no avail. It is quite simply an exclusion from my policy, which leaves me to either not get surgery, pay for it myself, or try to find a new employer with insurance to cover it. Basically, it means no good options. I like my work, so finding a new job is not an option. Self-paying for surgery would mean finding a way to pay for a $25,000 dollar procedure on top of day to day life. That was not going to happen either, which left me on the road of no surgery.

I've been on that road the last two years and doing nothing else to help myself out of this. I started swimming for awhile but fell off track and gave up. So, last week I started looking at other options. I again re-visited the option of self-pay for surgery, but to get a loan would mean a huge interest rate and monthly payments upward of 700 dollars. Unless I start selling some of my life away including my home, this was not an option. Next step...I looked at local "weight loss programs" through gyms or personal trainers. I found a 12 week program, which could be an option to get a good start under my feet. It was about 340 bucks, which was yet another thing I needed to save for a bit. This smaller amount is totally doable in another month or two. I started to have hope for change.

My parents have watched me as a heavy person nearly my whole life, from the time I was about 8 or 9 I started getting big. I know and can acknowledge the reason for this, which was mentioned on my blog before. You can read about it if you click here. I was molested, raped, verbally assaulted, and physically abused. It was a hard time in my life and I was young! I didn't know how to protect myself, couldn't tell anyone or ask anyone for help. Food became my comfort and I started to believe that if I could get "fat" the bastard wouldn't like me anymore and would leave me alone. Why should someone who is 8 years old have to think about something so horrible? Fast forward to this week. I still fight the daily battle with my weight and eating and being so consumed with it. I am lost and alone and scared. I know it is time to take control in some way.

I call my mother, who agreed with me and said the 12 week program sounded like a great start. Goose, the best friend anyone could have, agreed and has been by my side. As someone who has been my friend for the last 15 years, she has seen alot. I'm sure more than I realize. This damn weight has destroyed my life. Everyone close to me agrees, time to do something. Most tell me, "you don't need surgery, just need to stop eating and start exercising". Geez, brilliant! If only it were that simple. I would have had this gone years ago. But, now I have a plan to try again and take part in this 12 week program and get going with SOMETHING. This is in my head and I'm ready to start....UNTIL....

I get a call from my Dad. He mentions about my weight and about how my mom had discussed with him about my plan. He agreed that it is time to do something big to deal with this. They all know and understand how the weight is a direct result of my abuse as a child. Something I've carried with me since that time. He acknowledges that I am prepared to start this long journey and tells me how happy he is that I am making the decision to want to move on from this. He says my choice for the 12 week program is good but, he offers a gift I still cannot quite take in all the way. He offers to pay for gastric bypass surgery. I am overwhelmed and excited and hopeful and SCARED! This is my inheritance. A gift he wants me to have now as he feels like if I don't take it now; I won't get because I won't outlive him. We cry together talking about my weight and how much of a barrier it has become to life. I once was athletic and active and even though I was big then, it was not enough to stop me from doing what I enjoy. Now, I have very little from life I enjoy. Most things are uncomfortable physically and mentally.

We talked a long time on the phone about surgical options and about gathering more information to make a good decision about this. He tells me, "the time has come to get serious and move forward with visiting surgeons, going to seminars, and choosing the best option for your body and your life". Even no, days later, I am in awe of how this all played out.

At this point in time I wonder if anyone out there has any experiences good/bad/or otherwise related to weight loss surgery. I am in education mode and want to learn all I can about different procedures, surgeons, outcomes, recovery, etc. I need to learn learn learn so I don't let this opportunity get wasted. I am hopeful for a long and bright future where I am not confined and restricted and sad. Time to look ahead.

2 comments:

Brian Miller said...

i have seen several people go through weight loss surgery. just expect to be laid up for a bit, it can be a rather long process. with it still comes the discipline of eating right and exercise.

our first year of marriage was our toughest. money problems definitely did not help. i think the turning point for us was realizing it was about th other person. keeping that focus, here we are 13 years later.

otin said...

Oh, I can say so much! I have been there with the weight. This is what I can tell you about weight loss. You have to dig deep into your heart and soul and TRY to change. Change your habits. There is no magic bullet. Even with the surgery you have to change your habits.

The thing that you must realize is that results are slow. You do not lose weight over night. I can tell you how to lose weight, but you have to just do it and give it a chance.

I have lost 70 lbs 3 different times in my life. It is hard. It takes a year to lose 70 lbs. It takes a new lifestyle. It all becomes a matter of how bad you want it!

As for the relationship, forget that you are married and try to get back to what you love about each other!

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