Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Hard Times

I haven't posted in awhile. Seems like my life is quite the train wreck right now. I'm doing my best to sort through and figure some things out, but everything is right on the brink of total destruction. I had my bachelorette party last weekend. Wasn't the exciting drunken affair that a lot of people do. I was not much in a bar mood so my girlfriends came and we went to get pedicures and had dinner and chilled with drinks at my house. We talked and laughed and relaxed and it was just exactly what I needed and wanted.

Jerry on the other hand, had a wild and crazy bachelor party the same night. I told him I was okay with him doing whatever he wanted but it was pretty much the biggest mistake I've made in a while. He and the boys ended their drunken night at the strip club and turns out that completely broke my heart. I know Jerry has been in the past, before we dated, and I was okay with that. So much so that I figured I could handle him going again but no...I'm a mess. There have been several events in my life over the previous weeks, in which Jerry has treated me with very little respect. The accumulation of all these things completely destroyed my faith in him as my future husband.

I have been in tears for days, going back and forth between I want to go forward and I want to call off the wedding. From reading most of my posts, many of you can figure out that this wedding isn't really what I dreamed of. That aside, its more about looking at the marriage verses the wedding. I was destroyed over the recent events and last night Jerry and I sought counseling from someone we trust. Tough questions were asked and answered and no decision was made on how to proceed. We are going to keep talking through the end of the week, spend the weekend together, and try to get back to the roots of why we are together. Monday will come and we will return to our counselor to decide together if we are both 100% set to be wed.

Yesterday, I did a good bit of thinking. I tried to look introspectively at myself and how my past affects the situation I'm currently in. I have had a rough road to travel, from a very young age. I was molested when I was about 4 or 5 and molested and raped when I was a bit older. It was a violent cycle complete with physical abuse during the second round of assaults. I was scared, alone, and quiet. I never told a soul of the abuse until I was much older. In high school I revealed some of my past to close friends but never my family. It haunted me each and every day. As I got finished with college and started to take on the real world I had a complete meltdown. I was depressed and anxious and had difficulty with normal day to day life. I finally tried to take a bunch of pills and wanted to die but Jerry and Goose were there to help. They spent one miserable night in the ER with me. I had my stomach pumped and was made to take charcoal, which is the least fun I've ever experienced. The next two days I spent in the psychiatric ward of a local hospital. Rock bottom you might say. Even then, I did not reveal my past. To top all this off, my father wasn't much of a role model. He had an affair on my mother and left when I was in high school to live with another woman. Two years later, he came back...but didn't really come back. He is still married to my mother but doesn't really have a married relationship with her. They basically live in separate sections of their home and do their best to co-exist. What either of them gets out of the relationship, I've yet to figure out. All I know is his infidelity messed me up even more.

Two years ago last summer I decided to open the book. I told my family and my friends and got counseling. I can sit here today and say I am not the same person. I relived the pain of the abuse and worked my way through each horrible memory. I have not just grown as a woman, I grew up into a woman. Until this week I thought my treatment was complete...that I was okay and was comfortable with Jerry, now I see that I am not. I tried to feel normal and wanted to believe despite all my past, I could trust Jerry 100%. I told Jerry it was okay to go to the club...only to find out mentally I am still the scared little girl who gets hurt so easily. I am feeling pain I didn't realize was still inside. As I talk with my friends, family, and counselor I am learning this pain is more about me, than about him. I have to figure out how to let it go, figure out how to not be insecure about this.

It is a tough reality for me. An awakening of sorts. Why is it we can feel so normal, yet have so much hidden inside? Ultimately the decision to move forward with the marriage and wedding lays in my hands. It is a lot of pressure and I feel bad asking Jerry to go through more hard times with me as I realize I really need additional counseling and treatment for my inner demons. But then again Jerry isn't perfect either. I think we both have a lot we can learn, even from each other....if he would just open up his real feelings to me a bit more. Now yes, I realize...Jerry is a "man". But if we are going to make this thing called marriage last, its going to take devotion and work from both ends. Ugh, I'm just so distraught and sad, yet I really don't want to feel like that. I want to forgive and forget, but I just don't quite know how to let go of all the little hurts I feel. I do love him...that is one thing I know. He makes me happy most of the time....but it's the "most", which scares me. Where do I go from here.....?


Goose said...

I've said a lot already. I'll be interested to read other peoples comments.

otin said...

I think that the abuse that you went through when you were young is not allowing you to have the trust in people that you need to have. Your abuser was a sick person. You must realize that you are a victim and that most people have more honorable motives. Just because a man goes to a strip club does not mean that he is a cheating lying rat. The real question is , Do you love this man? Would you like him to be in your life forever? Don't get married for the wrong reason. You should get married because you love someone, not because they make you feel comfortable, or you are getting older and feel that it is time to get married. I think that you need to wake up in the morning and say, "This is a great day, and I am a great fucking person"! My opinion is, and this is just my opinion: If you have to sell yourself on the idea of getting married, then you really are not ready to get married! I am not saying that you should stop dating Jerry, but maybe just postpone a wedding and try to realize that there are good people in this world and that you just ran into some bad ones at a bad age. I feel for you and will do anything that I can to help.

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