Monday, September 14, 2009

Moody Monday

Man I think everything is just taking its toll on me. I am so dang moody today. I sure hope it passes by the end of the day. I have my wedding gown fitting tonight and right in this moment am in no mood to deal with it. Do you ever get like that? Just can't get excited about doing what needs done, even when it's important. I should be thrilled to go for my fitting and should be excited that it means we are moving ever closer to the final day. But I am just tired, crabby, sad, tearful, worried, anxious. Nothing that screams "excited or thrilled". I find myself praying alot these days. I just keep hoping the wedding will be beautiful and run smooth and I will have the time of my life. All the while I worry that it will be the biggest upset of all. I feel distant from everyone right now, even Jerry...who I should be growing ever closer to. I'm just in a funk I suppose. Maybe because it's Monday, maybe because of the stress, maybe because I'm just letting all this bother me when it shouldn't.

This weekend we had one of our groomsmen back out on us. He is out of work and has been for some time. 6 months in fact. He was out of work when Jerry asked him to be a part of our day, but never indicated he wouldn't be able to attend due to money. Here we are 5 weeks away. Jerry called him Saturday to check in on if he had gotten his tux measurements. He said he was getting them done today. Sunday we got a text message saying he was broke and wasn't going to do it. Whatever happened to good communication? Jerry and this man have been friends since childhood, grew up right down the street from one another. Yet, he cannot even pick up the phone to tell him this news. Very sad.

The biggest bummer is that I spent two full 10 hour days making our wedding programs, which now contain the name of someone who is no longer a part of this day. What a waste!!!

This is yet another setback in the journey and I've just grown so bitter. Why am I feeling angry about all this and why can't I just let it be? All these things are bothering me all the way through to my core. I can't overlook the comments and the actions of my friends and family. I want to just run away from all this and not deal with it. Thankfully, Jerry came up with a quick solution to our groomsmen issue and we have it resolved (aside from the program disaster). I'm fighting hard to pull myself out of all this and regain some sanity. I just hope I figure out how to get through this before it gets any worse.


Goose said...

Your wedding will be spectacular! You already know it will be better than the one you were just at. And everyone will be around you making sure you are having the best day ever. I do think you are very stressed. Everything will be OK :-)

Bamboo said...

Thank you for saying so. I feel like everything about the wedding has been so negative I can't enjoy any of it. I can only hope the day will be everything I have wanted it to be and that the drama will all be over soon. I think my dad has a right to worry over me, I'm not feeling like myself today at all.

otin said...

You are having a wedding, not setting up a government in a new country. I know that you want it to be perfect, but they never are! Someone will flub, someone might fall down, someone will get too drunk at the reception, people will fight, some will not show up! Who the fuck cares as long as you and the man that you love are happy and want to get married! That is all that matters!!!!!!!!

Bamboo said...

Otin, you are right. I know this. I keep trying to remind myself of that fact. I just always feel like I'm one step behind everyone else. For the wedding it's like I'm competing to show that I can figure out how to put together this wedding on my own. Doesn't help anything that every decision we have made has been frowned upon. But yeah, I'm trying to "take a chill pill", really what would be even better is a vacation!!!

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