Thursday, October 1, 2009

Another day of moving forward and forgetting the past

I'm feeling a bit better today. The road seems less congested and I can actually see a light ahead. The longer the whole ordeal sits with me, I see it is MY issue more than his. Jerry and I have had some of the most profound, heart felt, and deep conversations in the last two days, which have opened my eyes not only to the fact that I've let this bother me more than I should have but also as to remind me why I fell in love with him to begin with.

Early this week I really wasn't sure WHY I wanted to get married, but after my last conversation with Jerry I see that my heart was in the right place. I really don't think I wanted to get married for the wrong reasons...I do love him and I do want to spend my life with him. It was never because of convenience or because I'm getting older and just felt the need to settle. I really truly love him. Listening to him talk and open up over the previous days reminds me that inside this man is someone who has deep feelings, and although it is hard for him to open and share them, he really does love me and it wasn't his intention to hurt me. Together I believe we CAN go a long way, but this new found communication must continue so that we can be open and honest into our future. I know I have problems...how could I not? My world was turned upside down a long time ago and I'm only now figuring out how to deal with all that. It's a process, but one that is not Jerry's fault. I must learn to tell the difference between my own hurts and the other hurts I might feel in this life.

All that being said, I am still uneasy about what has happened between Jerry and myself. Still feel like more can be said and done to right the wrong and Jerry agrees. He is trying really hard to remind me that he loves me. Even tells me he 100% wants to marry me because he wants to spend his life by my side. I had a dream last night I was on a beach walking hand in hand with him, though looking down at our hands...they weren't our hands...they were much older and worn from use during a long life. I never saw his face in the dream; I didn't need to. It was him and we had made it through together. Even though it was only a dream I woke with a good feeling and hope for the future.

1 comment:

otin said...

One thing that I forgot about yesterday was just the cold feet factor. Everyone goes through periods where they are unsure if they are making the right decision. Maybe that is all that it was, simple as that! Just do what is in your heart.

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