A new found freedom

I sit here today and ponder the upcoming weekend, which will include participating in a baby shower for my husbands side of the family. I suddenly realize just how much has changed within myself. I no long desire holding onto the difficult times in my past. I have a new freedom and inner peace within my life. I find I simply want to spread my wings to fly.

Gastric bypass has given me a gift like I can't even explain. To those of you non-weight loss surgery (WLS) readers, I'm not sure you can even understand. Imagine your day being filled with pain. Physical, spiritual, and emotional pain. I would get out of bed, muddle through my work day, and sit on the couch until time for bed. Any additional activity or movement was painful....physically painful. At 400+ pounds, my joints ached almost constantly. The lack of activity made my body numb and I hated life. I would do everything in my power to avoid any activities that involved going places and/or being with people. I avoided my family and my friends. Life.....sucked. Did that paint a clear enough picture?

Today, I reflect back and begin to cry. What a miserable and sad existence I had. I took for granted everything I had going for me as I could only focus on all the negatives. The childhood molestation and rape I had suffered found a way into my daily thoughts. I felt a victim and was angry for the hand life had dealt me. That is the sick thought process that kept me in a life of obesity. I could not for one single moment think or believe, "I CAN".

I am eager for this weekend, eager to see family I rarely see, eager to share my new found freedom with the world. I find I have an inner strength I never knew was possible. I want the world to see the real me shine through. To see just exactly what my husband has always seen...a beautiful, intelligent, sexy, funny, and outgoing woman. I lost myself in the last decade...lost focus of what life is about. Or, maybe I've just recently learned what life is about. I'm learning new things every day. Learning to let go of the things that don't matter and grab hold of the things that do. Past grudges and feelings do nothing but pull me down. I am moving on and my new found freedom guides the way. I CAN be anything and EVERYTHING I want to be. Not only that...I know know I WILL reach my goals!

To blog or not to blog....that is the question.

Hello blogger land! It's been quite some time since this young lady has posted. I figured it was about time to either update or delete this lovely little blog. Obviously, you can tell my decision. So, hows about an update? So much has happened since I was last here. Looking back, my last update was about preparation for my upcoming weight loss surgery. My mind was all over the place at that point in time, but I clearly made it through.


I underwent Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass on June 28, 2010. I had zero complications from surgery and all in all had a pretty fast recovery. I went back to work two weeks after surgery and things have been non-stop ever since. The big question that might be on your mind....have I lost any weight? Of course I have! The real question is, how much have I lost? I started this journey at a whopping 424 lbs. So embarrassing to put that out in cyberspace, but it is what it is. Today, a mere 19 weeks after surgery, I am a much smaller yet still heavy 298 lbs. For those of you who hate math as much as I do, I'll save you the struggle. 424-298 is a total of 126 lbs. gone forever!

My life is quite different these days. In fact, I can comfortably sit here and say that I am not the same person I was the last time I blogged. I am healthier, happier, and know what I want from my life. This gift was the exact push start I needed to put me onto a path of bigger and better things. What has changed??? Well a better question would be, what hasn't changed. I spend between 3 and 5 days per week at the gym and do lots of other exercise on off days. I went from a total couch potato to someone who can barely sit still. I do water aerobics, I swim, I bike, I ride the elliptical, I walk...so many things that were near impossible at my starting size. My new life has not only made me a better person, but it has rubbed off on those I care about the most. My husband has lost weight and is more active. My sisters-in-law are both on the, "healthy lifestyle" bandwagon. Even my lovely mother has started an exercise program. It seems like this journey has not only inspired me, but everyone around me as well. It truely has been a blessing.

I have gone from a women's size 32 clothes to a 24, which is a whopping 5 sizes for those of you who don't know. I fit into seats I couldn't even dream of before. I was able to go to a baseball game for the first time in 4 years over the summer. Nothing holds me back! I eat healthy, I exercise, I feel amazing. And I know I will NEVER return to that hell of being over 400 lbs.

My journey has been well documented and I found a community of support like I never imagined I could. For anyone interested in what this journey has been like, please visit my channel on YouTube. All you have to do is search "Bamboo2you" and you will find links to my videos. The transformation from the start of my journey until present time is just remarkable. I don't even recognize myself. Actually, I don't recognize myself when I look back at my beginning pictures and videos as well as when I look in the mirror present time. I keep taking lots of photos and doing side by side comparisons so that I can really see the changes in my face and body. There are days where the lack of recognition is a mental trip, but most days I discover new things to love about myself.

I now have a neck, a jaw, collar bones, etc. I find something new to marvel at almost weekly. My feet have bones and tendons I didn't know existed...same with my wrists and hands. My beautiful wedding band set no longer fits my ring or middle fingers. I recently went to see how my ring size had changed to be shocked to discover I've gone from a size 10 1/4 to a 7 1/4! That is a FULL three sizes. Crazy!

So yes, life is different, but in all the right ways. I always knew that weight held me back, I just lost track of exaclty how much it held me back. I'm a better woman, wife, friend, daughter, sister, etc. The best part is that I know once I reach my final goal I am forever freed from this disease. I will be aware of what I eat and how I move for the rest of my life. The future is bright and I am happy.

Has it all be rosy and perfect? No, of course not. Life is not perfect so I must share the bad with the good. There are challenges I face on a daily basis. I now require a plethora of vitamins to keep me healthy. The regimen can be quite overwhelming some days, but I push through because it is what I must do. I require 64 oz of water every day, but unlike the average person, I can no longer gulp fluids. I must sip sip sip all day long as my stomach is now only the size of an egg and can't handle a large rush of water. Sugars are a huge no-no in life....forever. I can manage a little bit of them, but I must use extreme caution or I get what is called, 'Dumping Syndrome'. This is a very unpleasant side effect of gastric bypass, but an important one for learning. It causes nausea, dizziness, extreme fatigue, racing heart, diarrhea, vomitting. It is uncomfortable and I do all I can to avoid it. It only took one time of dumping for me to learn to avoid it at all costs. Another ugly thing that can and does happen from time to time, I call "stuck". If I don't chew food well enough or eat to big of a bite, the food has a hard time passing into my tiny stomach. It causes a "stuck" feeling in my chest, which is basically like somone stabbing my breast bone and every 15 seconds twisting the knife. The feeling passes when the food moves through, but if the food can't get through it forces me to vomit.

Now, luckily for me, these are RARE occurences. In fact, I've only dumped one time and only thrown up once from being stuck. It has taught me to be very careful when I eat and be aware of each bite that goes into my mouth. I avoid sugars, but will treat myself within reason. I know I can safely consume about 10 grams of sugar at one time so I am careful to stay way below that. Most times I only allow myself 5 grams. It is complicated and complex, but I don't regret it for a single second.

I think this is enough of an update for now. Hope all of you are doing well and I can't wait to get back into reading your blogs.

So what's been going on???

I figured it was about time to update my blog. Alot has happened since my last update, but I've gotten so into doing video blogging I sorta forget about my normal blog. Anyway, those of you who want to follow my vlogs, look me up on you tube. I am Bamboo2you.

So, the update. Today is the fourth day of my pre-operative clear liquid diet. Things are going pretty well, but this has been one of the most difficult things to get through. Day number 1 was horrible. I felt like I was starving and honestly it seemed like I was having withdrawal symptoms from lack of food. I was clammy and my heart was racing. It was weird, but I survived. Day number two was equally as hard; however, I tried to stay busy and I think that helped. Yesterday was a much better day and so far today has been even better. I think it's safe to say my body is getting used to the liquids.

I am able to eat as much as I want of a very limited group of foods. I can have broth, decaff tea, sugar free jello, sugar free Popsicles, water, diluted G2 Gatorade, crystal light, etc. Basically, I've been living off of chicken broth, Popsicles, and jello. I drink a good bit of G2 and tea, but also a good bit of water. Nothing makes me feel full, but at least the hot broth does sort of feel like a meal.

Surgery is in one week. Monday the 28th of June will be a life changing day for me. I hope I am ready for the challenges that lie ahead. I think for the most part, I feel pretty secure about this decision, but the liquid diet has made my brain try to play tricks on me and tell me I'd rather not do it so I can go eat a cheeseburger haha.

No, in all honesty, I'm as prepared as I possibly could be. I've been to a nutrition class and have a whole book of do's and dont's for what to eat. I have to follow a very strict diet for the first two months after surgery and then it will be up to me to make the change to a healthy lifestyle. I had pre-op testing done last week, which went pretty well. It gave me a chance to see the hospital and meet some of the surgical staff, which was a plus. All my testing came back just fine and now here I am on the countdown to surgery.

It's amazing to me that it was only 6 short months ago that I found out I was going to be able to make this happen. I am so thankful to my father for helping me on this journey, he truly is saving my life. I 100% feel like I will be a different person in the end of this. I know I can do well by this and make the changes to improve myself. I am a bit worried how those around me will take all the changes, but I can't really focus on that. I have got to do this for me and get better for me. If they can't handle it, in the end I feel like it will be them losing out on something rather than myself.

I have to say my vlog has been a huge plus to this point. I have gotten more followers than I ever thought I would and it gives me confidence to know there is great support out there. It's amazing to hear other people are motivated and inspired by my videos and thus far that is giving me a huge reason to go head forward into this video project. I hope it continues because I'm having a good time with it.

Anyway, that's the main update. I am looking forward to getting this week over with and starting my new life. I believe June 28, 2010 will be my new birthday and give good reason to celebrate in the future. I hope I am right.

Back to the grind

Well Monday came around again. I'm sorta over Monday's and wish they would just never come around. :) If only life worked that way. Anyway, I had a good weekend for the most part. My husband did a dumb thing and I was pretty shook up over it, but I dealt with it and am moving on.

I was at my parents over the weekend. It was wonderful and I was a single woman for a day and a half. No husband and no dog. I had a chance to just be left alone and it was terrific. Played mini golf with the family and even got to spend a few hours in my aunt and uncles pool. The down side to the pool time is that I am a bright red lobster now. I was only out for 3 hours and am crispy!! Typically I wear sun screen, but for whatever reason I didn't and am now really paying for it.

In other news, I have started a vlog (video blog) on YouTube. I was somewhat hesitant and nervous to do this as I'm not sure how people who know me will take it or what they will have to say about it. Nevertheless I decided it was something I wanted to do. Of course it really all started when I got a new computer. I just bought a new laptop, which happened to come with a built in web cam. Now, I did not buy my computer specifically for the web cam and actually didn't even think about doing a vlog until I realized it had one.

I have watched TONS of videos on YouTube about gastric bypass. Many people put up videos showing the progression after surgery and I decided it would be a neat way for me to keep track of my feelings as well as a way to be able to easily look back at how I change physically after surgery. So I did it. To date I have three videos on my channel and hope to add them at least weekly if not more frequently. Anyway, that is the latest and greatest.

Happy Monday everyone!

So what's been going on?

I just thought I would update about all the changes that have happened over the last few months. I had grown very bored with my blog and decided to put it to rest for awhile, but now I'm feeling more inspired and interesting in talking. Life has been busy and crazy and it seems like everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.

I was never so glad to see winter go away as I was this year. As the temps warmed up, my mood seemed to soar. I decided to get my flowers planted early this year so I didn't get all the crappy colors to choose from. Last year my pots were filled with red and white. Now, don't get me wrong, those are pretty colors...but anyone who knows me could easily see PINK is what I really wanted.

It wasn't long after planting that I realized I had the desire to play in the dirt even more. Jared and I spent some time cleaning up our back yard. We had a huge pile of left over rock from our landscape project from last summer. We decided to make a rock path off our patio to our shed. Because of our big trees, we have mostly mud for a yard. The path has not only added to the nice look of the back yard, but has drastically cut down on the mud we once suffered. Even after making that huge path we had rocks left over. So we cleaned our our lilac bed and re-rocked it as well. Now the back yard looks somewhat "nice", which is a far cry from where it started when we bought the house.

Even after all this, I still wanted to do more. So...I planted my very first garden! I need to take some pictures to put up because I am just super proud of it. We have two tomato plants, one is celebrity and one is roma. Those plants just seemed to take off. We even have several romas well on the way to being on our dinner table. In addition to the tomatoes, Jared and I planted radishes and carrots. We aren't overly confident that either of them will work out. We do have a bunch of radishes growing, but I fear we planted them to close together . Time will tell how they end up.

Like I said earlier, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. My life wouldnt be my life without some drama. I've had two fairly dramatic things happen in the last two months. First, our basement floor drain started backing up and it was getting worse and worse. To the point a short shower would bring poo water onto the basement floor. Washing dishes or doing laundry caused the same trouble. We assumed we had tree roots in our sewer line and paid a popular company to come out and clean it out. He pulled out roots, but the back up did not clear. Eventually, it was determined the line was broken and would need to be dug out to repair. This popular company dicked us around for awhile and eventually told us the break was under the street. Naturally, we assumed it would be up to the city to fix this damage, but I am sad to report that according to the city ordinances...it was our problem! We asked for an esitmate of cost and waitied 3 weeks for them to get it to us. Finally the numbers came in...9,000 dollars! Jared and I had no clue what to do. We started to scrable and found a way to pay the bill only to find out that this company was only "guessing" at the bid. We were told they didn't think we would "seriously" be able to pay to repair it. The manager decided he wanted to redo the bid and and the price went even higher. Needless to say we dumped them and found someone else. 8500 bucks later, our sewer is now repaired and useable once again.

It was a big old slap in the face and a reminder that being a home owner is not ALWAYS all its cracked up to be. We also learned to NEVER call that popular company for service issues. I was very put off by the service from the start and things only got increasingly bad as the time passed.

Drama number two was just 3 weeks ago. While working, my big old fat knee knocked over my computer tower. It sits on a shelf under my desk. The damn thing came crashing down and in the blink of an eye, it died. I tried to recover it, but have been unable to fix it. A friend of a friend is supposed to be coming to have a look at it, but he keeps forgetting he has an appointment to meet me. I've been borrowing a computer from my mother, but know she wants it back ASAP. At this point I'm not sure when the guy will ever get here to look at my baby. After some thought and growing tired of waiting, I decided to just buy a new system. I would still like to restore my old one for a back up, but it was a good time to update to some faster and better features. I ended up with an HP laptop, which I connect to a big HD flatscreen monitor. So yeah, one more thing I have spent money one.

Anyway, those are alot of my updates. Crazy things always seem to follow me. Always have and always will. I'm spending my days trying to catch up on all the blogs I love to read. So...what's been going on out there in blogger land??

June has arrived....now I'm SCARED

So, most of my recent blogs have been related to my upcoming surgery. I am officially having roux-en-y gastric bypass on June 28th. I have preop testing on the 16th, which at this point is just over 2 weeks away. EEP! I am anxious for the 16th day to get here because it will be a day filled with alot of education for me. Jared and I will participate in a 2 hour nutrition class that day and will have the final meeting with the surgeon to discuss any final questions or details. Two days later, on the 18th, I'll begin a clear liquid diet. It will include all no calorie and low calorie clear liquids. I can drink/eat as much of them as I like, but it will only include broths, sugar free jello, sugar free popsicles, water, low calorie Gatorade diluted with water, etc. It will be all I can eat for the 10 days prior to surgery, which is undoubtedly going to suck some major sweaty balls. I've read and heard the first three days are pure hell and then your body becomes numb to the the lack of real food. I sure hope that is the case. I will make it through and I think my real motivation is knowing the surgery will not happen if I don't follow this diet strictly. I've been waiting for this time to come for what seems like forever; however, now that it is so close I realize just how scared I am.

It's time for me to focus and get ready for the ride. I still need to decide how I want to document this journey. It may take me awhile before I can really get settled into one method so for now the blog is going to be my way of keeping track. I am preparing myself to take some "preop" photo's, but I haven't decided how I want to use them or if I will post those on the blog just yet. I have plenty of recent pictures of me on here so anyone who reads this should have a good idea of what I currently look like. I hope to get some photo's up from the recent wedding as well.

I do plan on trying to do a weekly photo and a weekly blog note to talk about my progress. It may be more frequently than that at first or it could be less frequent, time will tell. I'm just going to do it as I see fit when the time rolls around. For now, I'll keep updating as the month moves on to keep track of my feelings and thoughts.

Goose got MARRIED!!

This weekend was amazing and fun and fabulous and all that. My bestest friend in the world, Goose, tied the knot on Sunday. She has been such a beautiful part of my life for the past 14 years so it was a real blessing to stand by her side while she gave her vows. The best part of the whole day was when it really sank in that she is now "officially" a family member. Goose married my first cousin so now she will forever be a part of my life, which is AMAZING!

The wedding was at a very lovely state park. Though the day was warm, it was sunny and beautiful, which make for a lovely setting for photos. There was a big lodge with a huge fireplace as a back drop to the ceremony. The bride made her way down this beautiful wooden staircase with her terrific father by her side. It was just so pretty. Everything went perfectly and she glowed like I have never seen before. I was so proud to be there with both of them.

We ate, drank, and danced the night away. I had the wonderful opportunity to meet her friends and family I have heard so much about over the past years. Now the bride and groom are off on what sounds like the most terrific honeymoon ever. I can't wait to hear all about how the time went for them.

Surgical Consultation....CHECK CHECK CHECK!

Friday the 16th of April was my first meeting with my surgeon. Jared went with me to meet him and we both left feeling calm and confident in this decision. The surgeon was very gentile in his exam and friendly with the discussion of surgery. Jared and I asked questions and everything was very smooth and easy. Today, my phone rings and in the blink of an eye it is official. I will be having Roux-en-Y gastric bypass on June 28th, 2010. A new day for me, one that I hope will become my new birthday. Life is going to change for me on that day, no other way to look at it really. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I want this to be a smooth and easy process; however, I know it will take work and time to get the proper result. I have 282 lbs of excess body weight that I would LOVE to see hit the road; though, I am realistic and know I'll never shed all of those extra pounds. Each day will likely bring something new, and will be a hurdle to overcome. I am READY. A new day is just around the corner and I feel so blessed to get the tool to make my life what I always wanted it to be.

A million thank you cards would never be enough to thank my father for the wonderful gift he is giving me. I hope I make him proud during this journey and when it's all said and done, I hope he feels like it was worth everything he gave. Bring on June!!

Primary Care MD Approval....CHECK

I have now officially begun the real process for the big S day. I had my primary care physician evaluation yesterday and it went terrific. Not only is he giving me his approval that I am healthy enough to undergo this surgery, he is giving clearance that I am psychologically prepared for it as well. I had a nice long chat with Dr. L. about the risks and benefits to the surgery and he admitted to me if he had the cash laying around, he would be there next to me in line for the surgery. I don't quite know why, but that is reassuring to me.

In the middle of our discussion, he asked what surgeon and hospital I have chosen for the procedure. When I told him my choice, a smirk came to his face and he noted he was happy to hear it as he feels they are, "the best". I am thankful to hear him say that. I have done my homework and I feel prepared for this. I know it will not be an easy journey, but it is one I must endure. I know I could die, but if I don't go through this, it is certain I will die anyway. Not only that, but I will have to suffer getting sicker and sicker until I do. I want to be free of this and know I am ready to do whatever must be done to get there.

The next big step for me is not far off. One week from today I will have the first meeting with my surgeon. As long as Dr. L sends his approval letter before my appointment, I will likely be able to schedule a date! If not, as soon as the surgeon gets his approvals, I will be ready to schedule. I am so freaking excited...like ready to jump out of my body excited. Each day brings me closer to that final goal.

Tick tock tick tock...bring on the next leg of the race!

Long time....

As it has been awhile since my last post I decided to update. Things are going well, but I am totally exhausted today. Yesterday I threw a bridal shower for my best friend...Goose. Go check her out!

It was complete with lavender colors everywhere in honor of her wedding. Each table was draped in lavender with candles and candies and funky little zigzagged shreds of darker purple paper. It was lovely and I think it suited her nicely. I am very excited about the upcoming wedding because as a fantastic turn of events, she fell in love with my first cousin. Now not only do I get to keep my friend forever, I get to keep her in my family forever too. How strange it is that she will soon be taking the last name I left behind in October.

Anyway, the shower was a huge success. I worked very hard to give her a beautiful and fun day. The only thing I forgot was...MY CAMERA!!! I was pretty mad at myself, but considering that was the only thing I forgot for the day I figure it is okay. There were plenty of other people with camera's so she should be able to get pictures to enjoy. So to Goose....sorry I forgot that one!

As I have known Goose for some 14 years now, I know her "likes" pretty well, which came in very handy for throwing her shower. As I know she isn't much of a "cake" kind of girl, I decided to make homemade pies in celebration of her day. With it I made her favorite treat, Oreo dirt cake! I must admit, I had never made nor tasted a dirt cake and now understand why she likes it so much. Instead of the traditional "flower pot" arrangement I put it in a trifle bowl so all the pretty layers would show.

We played games and enjoyed our sinful treats and had a wonderful time. I took the time to hand make earrings for each of the women who came to the party, which provided a huge hit. It was thrilling to do something so nice for my friend and I could tell...she had fun!

Now it's back to the daily grind. Only one good thing about this day. I am getting HD hooked up to my new TV. Tonight I plan to sit and stare in awe at the big screen sitting in my living room. I want to prop my feet up and enjoy some "veg-out" time. Happy Monday everyone!

Rant and Rave Wednesday

Check out Little Ms. B to see what she is ranting about on this beautiful Wednesday afternoon.

Rave- I am finally getting started on the path of surgery. I have my first appointment set for mid April. I am so excited I find it hard to think about anything else.

Rave- I've continued my water aerobics and walking routine and continue to feel better and better.

Rant- My right knee is still giving me trouble since falling back in December. I really hope it's just a bad strain.

Rant- I have recently found an odd spot/growth on my neck. I can't tell what it is but as I've watched it over the last two weeks it is continuing to get bigger. I called to set up an appointment with my doctor to have it looked at. Really gonna be pissed if its something bad!

Rave- I am throwing a bridal shower for Goose in a week and a half. I have almost everything ready for the day and hope she really enjoys herself.

Rave- Jared is getting more and more hours at work, which means we are finally going to get our finances back on track. What a long winter it turned out to be.

That's it for me today. What's got you rantin and ravin?

Phase 2 begins

Over the weekend I went to my third and final weight loss surgery seminar. Another good one where I learned even more useful information. The seminar gave me some insight on some questions I needed to ask of the other program I am interested in. In addition, my father joined me to get more information about the seminar, which was outstanding. He became a part of this process and learned all the reasons why it is important for me to move forward with this plan. I don't think he had a good clue about the process or about why this is so important for people like me, but now he does. Did you know that only 5% of morbidly obese people can lose weight and maintain it 5 years or longer with diet and exercise alone? Sad to say, but the numbers are just not on our side when it comes to "the old fashioned way". A fact that MOST lay people don't know/believe/understand.

Today I decided to call the local program and ask the questions that had come up from the latest seminar. I got the answers I was needing and have now decided which program to pursue. There are two that are very good; however, one is considerably closer to where I live and significantly less expensive. For both of those reasons, I have decided to be evaluated by the local program. I set up my first pre-operative consultation with the surgeon. It will be mid April and I am so thrilled. I am ready to crawl out of my skin with joy. I know this will not be the "easy" road as so many people believe it to be. It will take change and dedication on my part to live my life better. I am ready and so excited to be given this opportunity for a redo start in a new life and a new situation. I am confident I can and will be successful with this and that in a short amount of time my life will be very different than how it is in this moment today.

Phase two has officially begun.

What a PACK RAT!

This weekend was quite lovely. I spent Saturday with my wonderful husband. We were out and about shopping and eating and enjoying our local custard stand that has re-opened for the season. We took a nice long walk with the dog and the whole day was just special and peaceful and just what I hoped it would be.

Sunday, I got a wild hair and decided to do some spring cleaning. Jared and I have been talking about what we "needed" to do with cleaning out of closets for some time now, but have just been to lazy to actually get to it. Well I got to it! As I'm cleaning out two of our closets I come across old junk that got thrown in when we moved over a year ago. Naturally, I see this is stuff we haven't used nor looked at in the last year so I decide it is time to throw it away. Meanwhile, Jared is busy digging out what I throw in the trash. He tells me, "it's perfectly good stuff". Riiiiight...it is, but we haven't used it since we moved and that tells me it's time for it to go! At first he tries to get me by saying, "I'll make a space for it in the basement". Then, I happily remind him of his idea to clean out the basement as part of our spring cleaning job. Why move it down there to have to turn around and go through it again.

Score one for TEAM WIFE! He had no come back and the items that I sent to the trash got to stay in the trash. Saaaaweet! I know if he had his way, our house would look like his parents. Small pathways to get through rooms full of shit...erm JUNK. So glad I am quick on my feet and didn't fall for his plan!

I met a new friend

This week at aerobics I started talking with one of the women in my class. She is very nice and the more we talked the more I realized how nice it was to have someone to talk to outside of my home life. I don't have very many friends and I think having someone to relate to at aerobics will help keep me in there and looking forward to going. She is 10 years older than me and has her plate full with three sons, so I'm not sure it's someone I would do an extraordinary amount with socially. You just never know though. I am not a person who likes to be super social all the time. I enjoy my own private and personal time, though seems I get too much of that these days and I'm really missing spending time with the close friends I do have.

Exercising has been good for me. I'm feeling better and better and am getting more motivated. Tonight is walking night so me and the pooch and hopefully the hubby are gonna go for a walk after work. Jared took Dudley for a walk last night while I was in class. I think the exercise is great for all of us and I really want to keep it up and make it a part of our lives. In the end I think it will be good for all of us to make this change and I hope Jared can see that. I know after surgery his lifestyle will need adjusted as mine does, so why not do it now?

Rant and Rave Wednesday

If you are interested in knowing more about it. Go check out Little Ms. B for the scoop.



Rave: I totally forgot to blog about this, but figured this was a good time to mention it. March 1st, which was Monday, marked the 7th year I have spent with Jared. It's a weird thing after you get married. I use to focus so heavily on the March 1st date and now I nearly went the entire day without realizing it was a special day. We didn't celebrate the day like we once would have, but we still mentioned it to one another and looked back at our time together. Many ups and downs, but we love each other and that is what counts.



Rave: I've been back to aerobics and am already feeling more energy from working out. I decided to try to incorporate walking into my off days so last night Jared and I took the pooch out for a walk. It was a bit cold, but I know the better weather will be just around the corner so for now I'll suck it up and wear a coat!



Rant: I love winter but I am now officially OVER IT!



Rave: We are supposed to get into the 50's over the weekend, which will feel wonderful. I'm ready to get out and enjoy some fresh air.



Rant: Week number 5 in a row of mandatory overtime. I'm sick of it and burned out. I hope we can catch a break soon!

Wow, for once I have more raves than rants!

I FIXED IT!

I am so super excited today. Yesterday Jared and I headed to our basement to do some re-arranging of stuff. Like I said in a previous post, we have new furniture for our living room coming at some point and we are converting our office/spare bedroom into only an office. This means our spare bed is going to the basement and we are going to use it in our lounge/hang out space as well as for a place to sleep when guests come, which is not as frequently as I would like. Anyway, we needed to rearrange stuff because we have alot....no wayyyyy to much stuff (shit/crap/junk) down there. In the process of starting to move things I came across the box where my old friend, Mr. Laptop was stored.

Now my laptop is not all that old. I've only had it for maybe 6 years. I'm sure by computer standard it's ancient; however, up until about a year and a half ago it worked like a dream. I decided to get a new computer to make doing my job easier as a desktop with a huge monitor was going to be a good investment for work. I love that big computer! Anyway, sometime shortly after getting the new computer my laptop became infected with one of those damn viruses. I didn't worry much about it at the time cause I had my new and faster baby. I tried to restore it but couldn't even get it to boot up so he went into a box and into storage.

Like I said, I came across said box yesterday and decided to give it another try. Pulled it out and it booted up, of course there were still issues and the virus was still wrecking havoc, but I decided to attempt a full re-format of it. IT WORKED! Now it is running smooth and stable like days of old. I can sit in my big comfy chair and watch TV and surf the web. It took most of the day yesterday to get the reformatting done and to re-load all the drivers and such. Kind of a PITA, but I suppose it was worth all of it. I am impressed with myself cause I'm not all that good with computer type stuff, some say I am better than I think, but I feel like I know near nothing I should.

The biggest part of this accomplishment is I did most of this half drunk or all drunk as Jared and I were drinking beers like they were bottles of water yesterday. Ohh water, I think I actually need some of that today haha! Anyway, maybe being drunk was just the cure for the computer. Regardless, my husband is going to be extremely happy with me when he wakes up today. He fell asleep long before I got this thing running again and up until now he has muchly missed having a second computer for himself. I work such long hours he rarely gets a chance to look at e-mails or surf the web.

Now he can do all of it and will have a good stable computer for school work. He is wanting to go back to school in the fall (I dunno if that will happen, but time will tell). Regardless, the little Mr. Laptop is ready to be used and abused again. Thank you to Mr. Re-format for saving my little baby!

Happy Friday!

I am so thankful today is Friday. I really am ready to be away from this desk (my ball and chain). Getting use to working on Fridays has been a bit of a challenge, but I'm super glad to still have a job. I've been picking up my production recently so I hope the boss can learn to be happy with my work. If not, at least I know I've done everything in my power to impress him.

I had a wonderful evening last night. Goose came over to check out the bridesmaid dress for her wedding. The color is a beautiful shade of purple and I'm quite happy to report the dress fits wonderfully. Needs a few alterations in the bust (or I need to grow bigger boobies) and possibly the hem, though I'm going to try to avoid that if possible. What is the deal with these dresses being so big in the bust? Every dress I've ever had is HUGE in the bust and I've had them so big that seamstresses practically have to re-make the dress to fit me. Just because I am plus sized does not mean I have GIGANTIC breasts. The sad thing is, I'm not even that small chested either, DD's are not small ,yet when I get these dresses I feel like a part of the IBTC (Itty Bitty Titty Committee) Nonetheless, I am excited we are inching ever closer to her big day. I have been planning her bridal shower for awhile now and am now getting down to time for finishing the final preparations. I hope she enjoys her special day.

I'm going to try and get to the pool again tonight. My hip is feeling a bit better, though still sore when I walk. I think getting in the pool and moving would do me some good. There is some open swim time tonight so I might try and get the hubby to go just for something to do for awhile. I have a few other errands to run and need to clean my house so we shall see how the evening plays out. I'm excited to be getting off at 2 today instead of the normal 4. That should help with getting it all done.

I am excited because the hubby and I bought a pot rack to hang in our kitchen above the stove. New pots and pans were one of our wonderful wedding gifts and now we have a rack to match. Jared hung it up last night, and I love it. We aren't super sure about the way it is hanging right now. It's from chains in two spots on the ceiling, but that makes it tip back and forth when you grab pots off it. We might need to change it to a 4 hook set up to keep it from swinging so much. I don't want anything to come crashing down on me or the stove!


So all in all I'm pretty darn happy today. The sun is out and I'm ready to get this day done! What is making you happy on this lovely Friday?

Get back to it

I decided it is past time to start preparing my body for this surgery. I know that every bit of exercise and work I do now, will get me a better result with surgery. The better shape my heart and lungs, the less the risk of complications during the procedure.

With that said, last night I went back to water aerobics. I decided it is time to take charge of this and not let anything get in the way of working out a few nights per week. It felt wonderful being back in the water. The pool was extremely warm and soothing to all my aches and pains. Over the last several days I had been experiencing increasing pain in my muscles and I'm not sure why. I sorta wondered if I was getting the flu but I have been feeling fine otherwise so it remains a mystery to me.

Anyway, I did my work out last night and had fun, but my left hip was causing me some intermittent pain. It had been slightly sore before I started; again, I'm not sure why. By the time we were finished and I tried to get out of the pool I could barely walk on land! I was gimping around like crazy. In addition to the hip problem I was having some right knee pain. Now, the knee pain I expected. Back in December I fell on some slick pavement and landed on my right knee. It has not been healthy since and everytime I sit down and stand up it is twingy with pain. I do worry I did something to it, but not enough to want to go through with x-rays and MRI's and all that. Like I said, it has been achy, but the aerobics exacerbated the symptoms. When I got out of the pool it took forever for me to get back to the locker room and took even longer to change clothes because of the pain. I got home and tried to rest it but it was a constant hurt. I took an anti-inflammatory and sleeping pill and crashed.

Today my knee is better, but my hip is still wicked sore. I think I must have strained a muscle. The medication seemed to help the symptoms through the night, but I can tell it is wearing off so I'm going to be taking more later today. Oh joy!

I'm gonna be glad to have some time to rest it before the next aerobics class next week. I do think I am going to swim laps on friday night though. I won't really have to use my hip to do that and I need to keep moving. I for sure feel more awake and energized today. I forgot how much better my body feels when I exercise regularly.

I have eye twitching seizures!

These last few weeks have proved to be increasingly stressful. We are swamped at work and have had 3 weeks straight with mandatory overtime. As most of you know, I HATE the overtime work. I shouldn't complain because it is nice extra money, which we could use right now; however, I never feel like the extra money I make is worth all the added stress and late nights.

I'm not sure if it is secondary to the stress of extra work or if my vision needs checked, but the last five days I have had near non-stop twitching of my left eye. I feel like my eye is constantly having a seizure, which makes me think of this great video I watched on the page of Dr. Grumpy some time ago. As a "medical" person, I found this to be totally hilarious so I wish to pass it on and show you. Perhaps I should go to the ER with my "eye twitching seizures" and see if I can get Xanax, Vicodin, or Valium.

Watch and enjoy!

I love my husband.

He gave me a wonderful treat to celebrate Valentine's day even though he sorta got it for us to, "share" as he puts it. It was one of those edible arrangements with chocolate covered strawberries and double dipped bananas. The banana hunks were dipped in milk chocolate and then again in white chocolate. YUMMY! Those arrangements beat the hell out of getting roses or other flowers or other candy for that matter.

So a big old thank you goes out to my wonderful hubby! You made the day special.

We had quite the busy weekend though. Saturday we ended up buying a bunch of furniture for our living room. After the wedding you all might recall that I mentioned we bought a new console recliner sofa. Well that console was part of a sectional sofa. Over the weekend we decided to buy the rest of the sectional for our living room and the best part is that we ended up getting a FREE LG plasma 50 inch TV with our purchase. Whooo hooo. We don't own an HD TV so this will be a nice upgrade for us. The store had a deal going where you got the TV with spending a certain amount in furniture. We weren't quite there with just the sectional, but by adding a TV stand to it we just barely made it so free TV is coming our way. Sad as it is I am more excited about the TV than the furniture. So yay for us!

Finally Friday

I figured it was time to update about how the second seminar went. I was shocked to see such a difference from the first one I went to. This surgeon seems like an arrogant ass and I will not be re-visiting him in the future. He made it quite clear that he only deals with the "surgery" side of things and takes no interest in anything related to after care. I don't really care how "great" he is at surgery, if he won't be there to help me through the rest then I am not interested. Thanks but no thanks.

In a way this makes it easier for me. I was thinking if I liked him I might have a tough decision on where to go for this procedure. Now that I'm assured I don't want to use him, my choice is narrowed down. The other thing that I found shocking at this seminar was the lack of education in the people who were attending. It was quite clear the majority of people sitting there had done no research on this surgery and had no clue about how the human body works.

Now, I don't think you need a medical degree or anything like that, but I do think you need some basic knowledge on the anatomy of your body and understand how they are going to alter it. I heard some really astonishing questions but my top two favorites were as follows.

1) The surgeon gave a statistic indicating that in morbidly obese people who suffer with type 2 diabetes, 86% will be cured of their diabetes following weight loss surgery. (This by the way is simply amazing to me). After the doctor says this statement a guy in the audience asks, "so doc, what your telling me is this surgery will alter my genetic code! Like um, my mom and my dad have diabetes and I have diabetes, so if I have this surgery then I won't have it no mo".

WOW! I sat there and literally shook my head in disbelief. Seriously?? You think this will alter your DNA, which by the way does not determine if you have diabetes or not?? Wow, just wow!

#2) One of the types of weight loss surgery is called a sleeve gastrectomy, in which they remove a large portion of your stomach entirely. When the surgeon was discussing this surgical option a woman says to him, "oh so after this surgery you can't have no babies no mo".

Now, I am a nurse and I did have a long semester of OBGYN training while I was in school. It was not my favorite place to be and I was not overly good at it, but I am pretty sure I don't remember anything about babies being made in the STOMACH!!!

Needless to say, this was a very enlightening experience and I am thankful I am taking the time to explore all of these options. One more seminar to go and then time for decision making. I pretty well already know what I'm going to do, but I am taking my time and making sure.

On another note, happy Friday everyone! It's Mardi Gras time in St. Louis. The Grand Parade is this weekend and I'm thinking it would be wonderful to take the hubby down there for some beers and hurricanes. We haven't been in a few years, mainly because it is always freezing cold, but for some reason I want to go this year. I have a fond memory of my first Mardi Gras. It was almost 7 years ago and it was the weekend that Jared and I technically started our courtship. We went with a group of friends and saw the parade. We collected beads (no we did not show boobies) and had drinks. It was a blast! That night we continued to party and the rest as they say is history. I think it would be a fun thing for us to do and a good reminder of where we started all those years ago. Plus, since Valentines day is Sunday it could be a nice "couple" sort of thing for us to do. We shall see. I guess it depends on if I can convince the husband to get up early enough to make our way down to the busy streets of Soulard.

Anyway, have a wonderful weekend!

Rant and Rave Wednesday

I decided to participate in R&R this week. If you don't know about rant and rave time go check out Little Ms. B and see what she has going on.

Rant: I had another week of overtime to deal with. YUCK!

Rave: I managed to get all 6 hour done in two days, which gives me the rest of the week to enjoy nice short 8 hour work days.

Rave: Tonight is my second seminar about weight loss surgery. I am very excited to see if there is anything new to learn. After all the thinking and reading, my heart and mind tell me let's get to it already.

Rave: I got new fingernail polish last week have now officially tried both. I got two colors, one is a teal blue and the other a dark purple. I am in LOVE with this deep purple color. It's fantastic on fingers and toes.

Rant: I hate how polish never stays put on my fingers. I take great care in putting on a base coat, two coats of color, and two coats of clear being mindful to let them dry all the way in between each coat. It takes most of the day to accomplish the task, but it's not so bad when I have to sit and do nothing but work anyway. I know by tomorrow the tips of each nail will be chipped. Why does it have to be like that? Fake nails never chip off...gggrrr it is irritating.

Rant: I have been having an increasing problem with caffeine lately. Why is this happening? I can drink one cup of coffee or one glass of tea or one soda and wham I get all shaky and dizzy feeling. It sucks. I am not really much of a soda drinker, but from time to time I enjoy it. I think I might have to completely cut it out or switch to all non-caffeine varieties. Pisses me off!

That's about it for me. Whats got you rantin and ravin today?

Get it done!

This is bound to be a long day. I started work at 5:30am and am planning on sticking to it until 5:30pm. If I can manage to do it, I will have gotten all my overtime done in two days, which leaves the rest of the week for a "normal" routine. I really want to get into the pool at least one day this week so as long as I can last sitting behind this computer all day, I should be able to make it there on Thursday. Seems weird to wish to swim when I look out on all the white snow.

We got a bit of the white stuff overnight (3.5 inches and still falling). From the sound of it, we are going to be getting some bitterly cold temps later today. Wind chills are going to drop all day and they say we could reach double digit below zero temps by this afternoon. I'm glad I work inside! Watching Jared get ready for work today made me feel sorry for everyone who works out and about. He was layering and layering and layering clothes.

Watching him reminded me of snow days when I was growing up. I would spend most of my time out in the snow all bundled up like that. We would play outside all day making forts or snowmen and having snow ball fights. Then we would come in and have hot chocolate and get warm. I can remember waiting and waiting for my dad to get home. He would take us sledding or would help us build the best snow creatures in the history of the world. I can remember one year we made this dragon, he sculpted the head and we made the body out of snow balls. The body went through our entire back yard, which was pretty big. It was amazing! We have made so many different things over the years it's hard to remember all of them. The snow always makes me think of him. I guess it always turned him into a kid again and he still loves being out in it.

As much as I like spring, summer, and fall I just don't think I would ever want to live somewhere that doesn't get a good winter snow. It is sort of magical! Even at 30 years old, I am still in awe every time I watch it fall.

Monday....we meet again.

Monday yet again arrives at our door. I am well rested; had a wonderful weekend of relaxation with my husband. This is the first Monday in a long time where I woke up and feel good and happy. It is snowing today. Should be snowing most of the day and into tomorrow. I love looking out the window and seeing the white covered trees and grass. Right now I see big fluffy flakes; falling in silence to the cool ground below. Just something about it is comforting to me. I can't really explain it, but I like the way it feels.

I think it is good to feel like this, to sit back and really explore the way a single situation can make you happy, sad, relaxed, anxious. Last week my goal was to get back into exercise. To go back to the water aerobics class I used to enjoy. Being forced into overtime made it very difficult for me to hit my goal. In fact, I didn't make it at all. Again this week, my goal is to get back to the water. I love the water; it is a place that is comfortable and easy on my body. We have another week of ridiculous over time expected. The aerobics class is Monday and Wednesday and it looks like this is another week where I won't hit my goal. Wednesday night I have a seminar and with all this over time I'll be lucky to make it to that, which is very disappointing.

I feel like I need to start making some changes now and start preparing my body for whatever is ahead of me, which means I have to find a way to get around this work schedule. Find a way to fit in what needs to be done. If I can't do it now, how will I ever manage it? I wish things weren't quite so challenging. Wish it didn't hurt to move. Wish I could just work a normal schedule and have a break to sort all this out. I guess this is a new lesson in my life; push through this difficult stuff to find a new life and new me. I know I have to start somewhere and I suppose the hardest part is getting that big boulder moving. Once it starts to roll, it should pick up momentum and move on it's own. I need all the help I can get right now, but my job is taking it's toll on me. For now, I'll just keep watching the snow and try to figure out a way to fit everything in.

My brain is going to explode

So this week has been completely crazy. We had a ton of overtime forced on us so I've been working some very long hours. I'm thankful today is Friday and the end of my day is just around the corner. On top of work, I've been doing an amazing amount of hard core thinking about my life. A good friend, I'll call her J, called me on Monday night. J was my roommate in college. We are both now nurses, but she is a far better one that I turned out to be. Anyway, it just so happens that J works with surgical patients and sees alot of weight loss surgery post-ops. Lucky for me, this provides a very unique look into this whole process.

So, she called to talk with me about surgery and what she sees from the nursing end and what recommendations she can make for this journey. I got a great deal of information from her, more than I realized. It has forced some long and hard thinking from my end, and I am grateful. I need to know all the good, bad, and ugly than can be with my choice for weight loss surgery.

After several days of really thinking about things, I've made the decision to continue to press forward with my plan. J supports this decision and has given me some good things to research and explore in regard to what surgeon and what hospital I choose. She is happy to be by my side on this but out of care urges me to be EXTREMELY well educated about everything prior to jumping off into the procedure. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I have been spending alot of free time doing research on local hospitals and reading about different surgeons. I feel like I have my choice narrowed down to a couple of places. One of them is through J's hospital. She told me if I went there I would be getting a great surgeon (one of the best); however, he has absolutely zero bedside manner. I am pretty hesitant to see a surgeon who will not make rounds on me the days following my procedure. The good thing about making the decision to use her hospital is that she can make arrangements to care for me during my stay. How fantastic would that be? Having a nurse you know personally and who is a damn good nurse to boot. I'm not sure anything could be bad about that and it would set my mind at ease knowing I would get top notch care in the days following the surgery.

I've come to realize this is a very tough and big decision. I have two more seminars scheduled, one is coming up next week and the other in March. I am trying to be very careful and take my time on this. Some days I wake up and think about it and am ready to go, other days I think about the struggles that could come and am not sure I want to go through with it. I think when the time is right my heart and mind will come together and decide yes or no. When that does happen I intend to put 100% of myself into whatever decision is made. For now, my education continues.

These are the best days

I had such a wonderful weekend. Why??? Because my 5 year old niece, who we call KK, came for a visit .

Isn't she cute! (This picture was taken at Christmas...Obviously)

Anyway, I had a blast with her. She is big into the Nintendo Wii so we played and played and played games on the Wii. She would be a happy clam to sit and watch TV and play video games for her entire life. All to similar to her Daddy (my brother). She is easily the smartest kid I have ever seen. At age 5 she can read and write and knows more math than I do. I sat with her eating at a local restaurant. She was playing with the kids menu and was reading it to me. I was in awe!

So, we played the Wii a good bit, but Jared and I started to teach her a new game she doesn't play at home....POOL! We have a small pool table in our basement and she thought it was about the best thing going. We even have it set up with black lights and glow balls, which is obviously the most amazing thing to a 5 year old.

Plus, we live 3 houses away from a local park so despite it only being 35 degrees on Sunday, we took her over to the park for some fresh air. Dudley dog loved getting out and running with her and we got to watch the geese try to walk on the thin ice on the pond. They would walk and you could hear the ice crack and plop, they would fall through. Very funny!

All I can say is I feel pretty darn special to have a 5 year old who wants to come spend time with me. I had just as much fun as she did and can't wait for her next visit!

So it begins...and I am excited!

Today is the first real step toward my ultimate goal. I am heading to my very first weight loss surgery seminar. I am finding myself to be both excited and nervous. I am anxious to learn more even though I've been doing a lot of reading on my own. I feel like this process is going to take forever. I am really just an impatient person when it comes to things like this. Once it is in my head, and I know I can make it happen; I cannot get it done soon enough. So, the journey begins today.

I've been thinking more about how I want to keep track of my progress during this time and know there are several ways that are options. I can continue to use my blog as a place to track myself, which I will more than likely do regardless; however, I am also trying to think of a way to visually watch the changes. Some people take weekly or monthly photo's, others might make short video's blogs of their journey. Any thoughts about this? I am thinking it would be wonderful to take weekly photos and make one big album I can keep. That way I could flip back anytime I wanted and would have something I could take with me to show friends and family down the road. My only concern is that each weekly picture won't look all that different. Perhaps monthly photo's would be better. I dunno. Any thoughts?

On a side note, I am very excited because my 5 year old niece is coming to stay with me this weekend. She is completely adorable and I can't wait to spend some good quality time with her. Sounds like she is bringing her Mommy too, which is fine; though I would have enjoyed having her all to myself. I will hopefully remember to take some photo's of our time together.

Just another Thursday

Today is my last 10 hour Thursday, which means tomorrow is my last Friday off without having to use vacation. Apparently my boss is not satisfied with my work as of late so my 4 day per week schedule is being revoked and I am being sent back to the standard 5 day/week like everyone else. At first I was a bit upset about this mainly because I don't like that they are unhappy with my work, but also because I LOVE having every Friday off. It became my own personal time to do what I wanted and needed to do so I will miss having it that way. I can see the reasoning though, I could be more productive in a day, and this is a way to get me re-focused. So, that is now my mission. Obviously I'm still not 100% in focus as I am writing this during my work shift. :) But seriously, I am allowed breaks during the day and instead of getting up and taking 15-20 minutes here or there I choose to use my break time spread out all day. My productivity will go up and they will be happy with me, or at least I hope they will.

I have a very stressful job. You never can seem to do enough to make them happy. I guess that is the big fault of a production-based position. They figure you could always do more than you do. Anyway, I am hopeful within a couple of weeks they will leave me alone.

I don't really mind having the 5 day work week either and I figure there is a reason this is coming back to me now. I still get my weekends to myself and this will give me time to get back into water aerobics, which I have missed. So, I am trying to look at the change as a positive thing. My husband was working long 10-14 hour days when I decided to switch to the 4 day per week schedule so that we would better match our work times. Now he is rarely getting 8 hours so the change back to 8 hour days for me will mean more time with him in the evenings. He sounds pretty happy about the change so maybe it will be for the best.

Now the question is; what to do for my last Friday off??

Get that big ball rolling

Today I have officially taken my first steps to the future. I have signed myself up to go to not one but two separate seminars about weight loss surgery. I am very excited to know that this could happen fairly quickly for me. I was told I can set up with a surgeon as soon as I wish following each of the seminars. I am pretty scared at this whole situation and know there are some major risks involved and find myself being reminded of this pretty frequently; however, life is not without risks. I figure each time I get in my little Jeep to go shopping or to visit family/friends I am at risk of something major happening. I figure we each face risk of dying or of suffering major injury from normal day to day activities. As such, I wonder why those "risks" people are so eager to point out should stop me from looking into this in a serious manner.

Did you know obesity and inactivity can causes cancers including colon, breast, kidney, and esophageal cancer? Here are some statistics I found at CNN. com;
49 percent of endometrial cancers are caused by excess body fat. That number is followed by 35 percent of esophageal cancer cases; 28 percent of pancreatic cancer cases; 24 percent of kidney cancer cases; 21 percent of gallbladder cancer cases; 17 percent of breast cancer cases; and 9 percent of colorectal cancer cases.

Is it just me or is that SCARY! Almost half of all endometrial cancer is caused by being obese! What is endometrial cancer? Most people would call it uterine cancer. According to Mayo Clinic; endometrial cancer, is one of the most common cancers in American women. It begins in the cells of the endometrium, the lining of your uterus — a hollow, pear-shaped pelvic organ where fetal development occurs. Endometrial cancer is sometimes called uterine cancer, but there are other cells in the uterus that can become cancerous — such as muscle or myometrial cells. These form much less common cancers called sarcomas.

So, those who say surgery is risky...I show you these number and I show you the increased risk of co-morbidities including heart disease, diabetes, stroke, DEATH. I realize this is a big decision and the decision for surgery is not the choice that is appropriate or right for ALL obese people. That being said, I feel it is the right decision for me and my future. Anyway, so the big ball is now in motion. I am getting focused on the next steps in the coming months and learning more and more about obesity and surgery.

Looking ahead

Well, obviously from my last post one should be able to tell things in my life haven't been all that wonderful since getting married. I don't know what the reasoning but Jared and I have had a huge disconnect since our big day. A week ago I was pretty sure it wasn't going to last. I was pretty sure I didn't want to stick around to watch the rest of the deconstruction of our lives. We spent a few days avoiding one another and not talking, but finally the silence had to be broken. I forced the issues and we spent several long night talking through some things. I'm not saying we are "fixed" or "perfect", but at least we are both "trying" to stay on the right track. I suppose trying is really all anyone can ever do.

Last week was a bad week for me in so many ways. Going through the tough times with Jared, but also my own personal battles. I reached a point where I just suddenly realized I have to do something about being overweight. I know it's grown to this life threatening problem and see I have to make some hard decisions. I have previously tried to get gastric bypass surgery approved by my insurance company, but to no avail. It is quite simply an exclusion from my policy, which leaves me to either not get surgery, pay for it myself, or try to find a new employer with insurance to cover it. Basically, it means no good options. I like my work, so finding a new job is not an option. Self-paying for surgery would mean finding a way to pay for a $25,000 dollar procedure on top of day to day life. That was not going to happen either, which left me on the road of no surgery.

I've been on that road the last two years and doing nothing else to help myself out of this. I started swimming for awhile but fell off track and gave up. So, last week I started looking at other options. I again re-visited the option of self-pay for surgery, but to get a loan would mean a huge interest rate and monthly payments upward of 700 dollars. Unless I start selling some of my life away including my home, this was not an option. Next step...I looked at local "weight loss programs" through gyms or personal trainers. I found a 12 week program, which could be an option to get a good start under my feet. It was about 340 bucks, which was yet another thing I needed to save for a bit. This smaller amount is totally doable in another month or two. I started to have hope for change.

My parents have watched me as a heavy person nearly my whole life, from the time I was about 8 or 9 I started getting big. I know and can acknowledge the reason for this, which was mentioned on my blog before. You can read about it if you click here. I was molested, raped, verbally assaulted, and physically abused. It was a hard time in my life and I was young! I didn't know how to protect myself, couldn't tell anyone or ask anyone for help. Food became my comfort and I started to believe that if I could get "fat" the bastard wouldn't like me anymore and would leave me alone. Why should someone who is 8 years old have to think about something so horrible? Fast forward to this week. I still fight the daily battle with my weight and eating and being so consumed with it. I am lost and alone and scared. I know it is time to take control in some way.

I call my mother, who agreed with me and said the 12 week program sounded like a great start. Goose, the best friend anyone could have, agreed and has been by my side. As someone who has been my friend for the last 15 years, she has seen alot. I'm sure more than I realize. This damn weight has destroyed my life. Everyone close to me agrees, time to do something. Most tell me, "you don't need surgery, just need to stop eating and start exercising". Geez, brilliant! If only it were that simple. I would have had this gone years ago. But, now I have a plan to try again and take part in this 12 week program and get going with SOMETHING. This is in my head and I'm ready to start....UNTIL....

I get a call from my Dad. He mentions about my weight and about how my mom had discussed with him about my plan. He agreed that it is time to do something big to deal with this. They all know and understand how the weight is a direct result of my abuse as a child. Something I've carried with me since that time. He acknowledges that I am prepared to start this long journey and tells me how happy he is that I am making the decision to want to move on from this. He says my choice for the 12 week program is good but, he offers a gift I still cannot quite take in all the way. He offers to pay for gastric bypass surgery. I am overwhelmed and excited and hopeful and SCARED! This is my inheritance. A gift he wants me to have now as he feels like if I don't take it now; I won't get because I won't outlive him. We cry together talking about my weight and how much of a barrier it has become to life. I once was athletic and active and even though I was big then, it was not enough to stop me from doing what I enjoy. Now, I have very little from life I enjoy. Most things are uncomfortable physically and mentally.

We talked a long time on the phone about surgical options and about gathering more information to make a good decision about this. He tells me, "the time has come to get serious and move forward with visiting surgeons, going to seminars, and choosing the best option for your body and your life". Even no, days later, I am in awe of how this all played out.

At this point in time I wonder if anyone out there has any experiences good/bad/or otherwise related to weight loss surgery. I am in education mode and want to learn all I can about different procedures, surgeons, outcomes, recovery, etc. I need to learn learn learn so I don't let this opportunity get wasted. I am hopeful for a long and bright future where I am not confined and restricted and sad. Time to look ahead.

How do you go from one to the other?

Just wondering how you can go from this:




to this:

in three short months.

The dog days of winter

It has been a long while since I posted something so I figured I should get back into it. Our weather has turned bitter cold and we finally got some of that beautiful snow I had hoped to see. I look out the window and everything seems so peaceful and calm. Unlike the way I feel lately. I've been doing alot of thinking over the last couple of weeks and my mind is unsettled. I can't seem to focus on one thought and can't seem to sit still.

The holidays are over, which I am very glad of. Christmas was very lovely this year and I felt more relaxed than I have in the past 6 years. It was a good change. I spent new years house sitting for some family, which was fine, but I was ready to get back home by the time the weekend was done.

Now that I'm back here some part of me wishes I could run off and get away again. I guess that is how it always works. My husband and I are on a somewhat disconnected road right now. It scares me. With the cold and snow came him getting no work and being home. I feel like when he is here and I have to work, he could be taking care of the chores so I don't have to and so that they will be done for us to get to spend evenings together. He, on the other hand, feels like he should be able to do whatever he wants, which equals sit in front of the TV for 10 hour straight. I am all for lazy days every now and then, but doesn't it seem a bit unfair for him to sit in front of the TV for 10 hours while I work, then come to me and ask what I'm making for dinner? I figure dinner is the least he could do. But, I get up after my long day and stand in the kitchen and make dinner plus clean it all up. Not exactly what I wanted to do and of course by the time I get done with cooking and cleaning the day is pretty much over.

Maybe I'm just whiny and bitchy lately but I can't see how his mind tells him it is OK to act like this. I couldn't just sit and do nothing all day while he works and then ask him to make me dinner plus clean it up. Oh well. If all of this isn't bad enough, someone got a hold of my debt card number and made a counterfeit card, which they then took to a Best Buy store in a different state and made a $1000 purchase with. This is a big hassle for me because not only do I have to wait up to 15 days for my money to be restored, but I also have had to make several trips to the bank to fill out paperwork to get my money back.

On a more positive and happy note. My dog LOVES the snow. This has been his first year to really get out and play in it and boy oh boy is he into it. He runs around and kicks snow up everywhere. Makes me laugh and smile whenever I think about it. So, here are a few pictures of Dudley enjoying the white fluffy snow. These were taking over Christmas at my Mom's, but he has been at it again since getting new snow at home this week.